How To Get Clarity In A Relationship

How to get clarity in a relationship is not a complicated process.  But it takes emotional investment and work.  We’ll show you how to build the relationship you desire using basic principles used by personal development guru’s to help people set goals.

But first a story…

Jon Dykstra is an internet marketer that I follow.  I love his stories.  I bring this up because he recently (10/12/2020 newsletter) told the story of a Canadian mining company that was struggling.

In September 2018, RNC Minerals was about to give up.  

They owned a nickel mine in Australia (the Beta Hunt Mine) that wasn’t producing so they put it on the market to sell.  They had a buyer but at the last minute the buyer bailed.

Out of sheer desperation they decided to drill a little deeper before completely shutting down. 

That’s when it happened…

They (literally) struck gold.  Not nickel, gold.  Some believe they found the biggest gold nuggets ever mined.  One worth over $4 million.

And, it’s just the tip of the iceberg.

CEO Mark Selby said, “We’ve made … we think one of the best gold discoveries in Western Australia.”

It’s interesting that this ‘gold strike’ was found in an area about the size of the average living room.  And there is more area to cover.

Selby is confident there is more gold to be discovered.

You can read the original article here:

Reminds me of a lot of marriages.  There is gold in you relationship, but you will not find it if you stop digging.

You can’t quit, or get lazy, if you want to discover the real value of your marriage.  You have to dig.  And dig deep.

It starts with knowing what you want in your marriage.

I Don’t Know What I Want In My Marriage; What Can I Do?

Unfortunately, this is a common issue in many relationships.  Most people are more in tune with what they don’t want, than what they desire.

I often hear couples mention things they wish were different in their relationship, but seldom do are they able to pinpoint exactly what they really  want.

Ambiguous terms are used to express their desires.  Instead of clarity, they are vague.

• “I just want to be happy.”
• “I want my marriage to be better.”
• “I want my marriage work.”
• “I wish he would open up.”
• “I can’t seem to get her to treat me with respect.”

On the surface those comments appear clear.  Who doesn’t want to be happy?  We all want a better marriage, right?

 But what do those terms really mean?  What does ‘open up’ look like?  How do you define respect?  What is better?  Or even happy?

These questions are important if you want to be clear about what you want in your marriage.

Generalizations will not move you forward; they tend to frustrate more than help.

For example, if you desire your spouse to spend more time with you, you need to define what you mean.  Many husbands, for example, feel like they ‘spend time’ with their wife simply by being home with them.

I suspect that this is not what most wives mean by ‘spending time together.’ 

Clarity means you have a clear picture of what you desire from your relationship.

In his book, Eat That Frog, Brian Tracy writes: (Amazon Link)

The greater clarity you have regarding what you want and the steps you will have to take to achieve it, the easier it will be for you to overcome procrastination, eat your frog, and complete the task before you.  A major reason for procrastination and lack of motivation is vagueness, confusion, and fuzzy-mindedness about hat you are trying to do and in what order and for what reason.

I realize he writes this about personal goals, but the application works for marriage as well.

Creating a great marriage should be a personal goal.  You weren’t designed to live an average life or have a mediocre relationship with your spouse.  You were made for more than that.

Marriage should be a top priority in your life. 

What Should You Want In A Marriage?

While you are the only one who can determine the specifics about what you need, want, and desire in a relationship, there are a few things that should be in every marriage.

I refer to these as foundation stones. 

Quick story to illustrate this point…

When I was in High School my father and I built a feed mill.  For those ‘non-farmers’ this was a building where we made feed for local farmers.  We would grind up huge bails of hay and mix it with other ingredients to make feed for livestock.

The first thing we did when we built the mill was pour a concrete footing.  Every other part of the building was built on this foundation.

The building is only as strong as the foundation.

I hope it’s obvious how this applies to marriage.  If you build your relationship on a bad foundation, it will not last.  At best, you will have a mediocre relationship.  Who wants that?

Marriage should be the best relationship in your life.  So, how can we lay a good foundation to create this type marriage? 

If you build your relationship on a bad foundation, it will not last.  At best, you will have a mediocre relationship.  Who wants that? Click To Tweet

1) It has to be built on trust.

This is the number one building block of a healthy marriage.  We talk about trust often because without it there is no true relationship.  How can you relate to someone your don’t trust. 

Let’s clarify trust.  There are levels of trust.  The first, basic level is the type of trust you have because you believe someone will treat you with respect.  You know they will not harm you physically (or even emotionally).

That’s the lowest level of trust.

The type trust that creates a great marriage is deeper than that.  It’s a trust that rests in the fact (belief) that your partner will make decisions that keep you in mind.  They will not do things that only benefit themselves.   Rather they keep you in mind.

2) It must be built on shared values.

This is a factor many couples do not take into consideration.  What we value shapes and determines how we do life.  If our value system is not the same in marriage, it causes conflicts.  We end up rowing the boat in opposite directions.

To have a strong marriage, you need to make sure your values match your spouses. 

What we value shapes and determines how we do life.  If our value system is not the same in marriage, it causes conflicts. Click To Tweet

3) It must be built on respect.

When we have respect for our spouse, we value their opinions and insight.  Without it, we not only treat them bad, we fail to honor them as partners.

The partnership of marriage is reduced to a one-sided, selfish expression of ego desire.  The idea of ‘relationship’ implies we relate to one another.  There is no relating when one partner doesn’t respect the other.

Disrespect can ruin a marriage.  It’s like a building that is built on sand.  It will eventually erode and cause the building to fall.

If you are not sure if your marriage is built on the foundation of respect, check out this article.

There are other factors that make a marriage strong, but these three are essential if you want a strong marriage.

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<p><strong>Please include attribution to The Healthy Marriage with this graphic.</strong><br /><br /><a href="https://thehealthymarriage.org/how-to-get-clarity-in-a-relationship/"><img src="https://thehealthymarriage.org/wp-content/uploads/The-Foundation-of-a-Healthy-Marriage.png" alt="3 Things Your Relationship Must Have To Be Strong" width="600" border="0" title="How To Get Clarity In A Relationship 5"></a></p> The idea of ‘relationship’ implies we relate to one another.  There is no relating when one partner doesn’t respect the other. Click To Tweet

How to Figure Out What I Want In My Marriage

You need to know what you want and where you are going in your relationship. 

If you are dating or engaged, this is vital.  Even if you are already married, getting clear on the direction of your marriage is important.  If you haven’t had a conversation about long term goals and direction, set a time to discuss this with your partner.

As Stephen Covey once said, there is nothing as frustrating as climbing the ladder only to realize it’s leaning against the wrong tree. 

You can’t afford that in your relationship.  Make sure you are leaning your ladder in the right place.

Like any goal, you need to get clear about what you want from your relationship.

Let’s apply the same principles of goal setting to marriage.  By the way, if you want a deep dive into goal setting for your marriage, read this article.

There are two ways to do this:

#1 You Can Start With The End In Mind

This is another Stephen Covey concept.  Imagine your life at 90 years old.  You are sitting in a rocking chair on your front porch.  What do you want your marriage to be remembered for? 

What do you want to be able to tell your grandchildren (and great grandchildren) about your relationship with your spouse?   What do you want the highlights to be?

These questions help us clarify what is important to us. 

I suggest taking time to think about these questions and write down your answers.  You can use this as a starting point to create a plan of action to get there. 

This is called reverse engineering.  Find out where you want to be (and what you desire for the future), then work backwards until you figure out how to get there.

For example, if you want to leave a legacy of marriage happiness, ask yourself what happiness is to you.  Start working backwards to discover what makes you happy.  Then you can devise a plan of action to create happiness.

#2 You Can Start With What You Don’t Want

As I mentioned earlier, most couples only know what they don’t want.  That’s okay at this point (although you eventually have to get clear on what you DO want or you become stuck in a negative rut).

If you can clearly state what you don’t want in your marriage, it’s possible to drill down and flip the script to identify what you do want.

You simply restate it in a positive way.  That’s flipping the script. 

For example, let’s assume you don’t want a marriage that is divided by arguments and tension.  When we flip the script, we see the opposite of arguing is agreeing and getting along.  The opposite of tension is peace.

Now ask, ‘What does it take to come into agreement?’  Sometimes it means compromise.  Other times simply clarifying the issue and communicating with your spouse.

Whatever it takes to enter into agreement determines the steps you need to make to get there.

Same with creating peace in your home.  What does a peaceful home look like?  How does it feel?  How do peaceful couples sound when they talk to each other?

This is where you have to put some thought into it.  Don’t get lazy. Do the work because it pays off.

Figure out what you don’t want, then flip the script by asking the right questions.  Drill down.  That’s how to get to the real issue and determine how to get where you want to be.

Once you get a clear picture of what you want in your marriage, go here to learn how to get a plan of action to create that dream marriage.

Figure out what you don’t want, then flip the script by asking the right questions.  That’s how to get to the real issue and get where you want to be. Click To Tweet

Let’s answer one more question…

What Does God Want In A Marriage?

This is a big question.  Since 95% of marriages share some type of religious affiliation, most couples want to know what God desires, and how they can align with God’s will.

It’s beyond the scope of this article to list specifics about what God says about marriage.  What I prefer to do is give you a snapshot of the big picture.

Scripture says, ‘God is love.’  (Not love is God)  Everything He does flows out of His nature of goodness, perfection, and love. 

I mention this to set the framework for what I believe God desires for our relationships. 

Since God acts out of love, marriage should operate on the same principle.  Everything we do should be based on the motive of love, acceptance, and forgiveness.

God desires for our marriage to present a glimpse of heaven on earth.

Since God acts out of love, marriage should operate on the same principle.  Everything we do should be based on the motive of love, acceptance, and forgiveness. Click To Tweet

There are two ways to view this:

First, we could see this as an unachievable commandment.

After all, who is perfect enough to present heaven on earth?  We read this and feel pressure to be something beyond our ability to be. 

That’s not how I think we should hear this.

Second, we can see this as an invitation to participate with God (husband, wife, and God) to demonstrate His goodness to others in the way we treat each other.

This, in my opinion, is the way to hear ‘heaven on earth.’  We might not get it right all the time, but even in our acceptance and forgiveness toward each other we will demonstrate how God treats us.

Bottom line:  What does God want for your marriage?  He wants you to live in peace, joy, and fulfillment.  He desires for us to live in harmony and love with our spouse. 

As we do this, we honor our spouse and fulfill our purpose in marriage.

Final Thoughts

Knowing what you want in marriage is as important as knowing what you don’t want.  This is where many couples fall short.  They never clarify what they really want out of marriage. 

How to get clarity in a relationship is important for building a strong marriage.  As the old adage goes, ‘If you don’t know where you are going, any place will do.’

That is not what we want in marriage.  Clarity helps us clear the clutter and move forward to create the marriage we desire.

Summary

Here is a recap of the key topics covered in this article:

• I Don’t Know What I Want In My Marriage; What Can I Do?
• What Should You Want In A Marriage?
  • 1) It has to be built on trust.
  • 2) It must be built on shared values.
  • 3) It must be built on respect.
• How to Figure Out What I Want In My Marriage
  • #1 You Can Start With The End In Mind
  • #2 You Can Start With What You Don’t Want
• What Does God Want In A Marriage?

What’s Next?

 To get more help creating the marriage you desire and deserve, check out these resources:

The Healthy Marriage Quiz
If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.

The Healthy Marriage Toolkit
Books, Courses, Programs and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.

Five Simple Steps Marriage Course
Marriage doesn’t have to be complicated. In this 5 part mini series you’ll discover practical steps to redesign your marriage.

Healthy Marriage Courses
Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.

If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.

Magic Relationship Words by Susie and Otto Collins

The Devotion System This free video will show you why men pull away and what you can do to enhance your relationship.

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