No More Resentment: Learn How To Fix Communication Problems In A Marriage

Having trouble communicating with your spouse? Learn how to identify and fix communication problems in your marriage with this helpful guide!

Communication is key to having a successful marriage and it is important to fix communication problems as soon as they arise. Without good communication, couples are less likely to understand each other and more likely to become frustrated with one another. 

Yet, often communication errors occur. There are a number of reasons this can happen. The more important factor is, if these issues aren’t addressed quickly, it can lead to misunderstanding and resentment.

This is the second part of our series on communication problems in marriage. Click here to read part one first.

Communication is like a bridge that connects two people. Without it, tthey can’t understand each other or have a successful relationship. If the bridge is broken or damaged, it can be hard to understand each other and make the relationship work.

In the same way, if communication between a married couple isn’t working well, it can be hard for them to understand each other and stay close. It’s important to fix these communication problems quickly so that the relationship stays strong and healthy.

How to Fix Communication Problems in Marriage

Repairing strained marital communication is a process. The goal should always be to rebuild trust, respect, empathy and understanding. It requires deliberate focus, humility and open-mindedness.

The journey begins with understanding that relationships are always dynamic; they evolve and change over time. To become proactive in maintaining a healthy and vibrant marriage, it’s important to take responsibility for your part and reflect on what you contribute to the dynamic.

Acknowledge any negative patterns of poor communication that have been present in your marriage and commit to changing yourself first before expecting any changes from the other person. With this attitude of self-reflection in mind, work together as a team to identify areas that may need improvement, new communication skills, or tools to bring forth a more healthy relationshipmore emotional intimacy.

At the same time don’t forget to nourish what exists between you—express love, appreciation, gratitude through both words and deeds — so that when challenges arise the spirit of connection remains strong.

Also remember that success lies in weaving understanding into our conversations rather than blindly trying force solutions upon each other. Listening empathically first is often the best place to start if a resolution is ever to be reached.

These 6 keys will help you unlock better communication in your relationship.

1) Practice Communication

Practice means practice. If you want to excel at anything, it takes practice. Marriage is no different.

Too often we think things should be natural when they are not. Let’s be honest, some things need to be learned.

We think because we are in love, it should be automatic. Love makes it easier, but it doesn’t make it effortless.

Think about it. Everything in our culture teaches us to keep our nose stuck to our cell phones. We are distracted by social media, trends, text messages…all things virtual. And that’s the problem. 

The virtual world we are comfortable with is not the real world. How many Instagram pictures to you actually believe depict the real person? Very few. 

To illustrate, Michelle and I know a young woman (we’ve worked with her regarding her marriage) who has hundreds of photo’s on social media revealiing a wonderful life with her family (happy ever after type stuff). Yet, in reality, she is crying out for help because her marriage is a disaster. But you would never know by judging from social media.

Here’s my point:

Everything around us tells us to be fake, plastic, and put on a good show. It teaches us to live in a virtual world. Because of that, we are trained for that world. Which isn’t real.

When it comes to real life we have to be intentional with our focus. We have to choose to live in the present real world, instead of the virtual world of social media.

This imples it takes effort. And with effort comes practice. Focused, intentional practice.

Unfortunately, most couples (or people in general) don’t do this. They keep their thumbs on their cell phones at all times – texting, scrolling, engaging in the make-believe world they create in cyber space. 

This is why it takes focus. And intent. And practice. Practice because it is not easy or normal by today’s standards.

Ask yourself, how much time do you spend on social media?

Do you ever ignore someone because you are ‘doing something important online?’

Do those around you have to work to get your attention?

If so, you need to disconnect from the virtual, and reconnect with the meaningful.

I’ll admit. This takes practice. For all the reasons mentioned above. But, in order to fix bad communication issues, change must take place.

Use Questions To Stimulate Conversation

One of the best ways to create conversation – especially the kind that is meaningful and helpful – is to ask questions. 

There is a principle underlying this fact. People are mostly interested in themselves. Yes. This can turn into a selfish, ego-centered trait. However, we can use this to our advantage.

Think about it. Everyone wants to feel like they matter. They want to know their opinion is important. To feel heard, understood, and valued. What better way to demonstrate this than asking them questions.

When you ask someone a question, they will usually answer it. And when they do, they are revealing something about themselves. This is the key to understanding each other better.

Questions can help you get to the root of any communication issue in your marriage. They can help you understand each other’s feelings and perspectives on a particular topic or situation.

Why and “”how”” are words so important that they cannot be too often used.

– Napoleon Bonaparte

After working with hundreds of couples (and individuals), I’ve found this is one of the most important skills you can develop. 

Suggested: How A Series Of Questions Can Help You Fall In Love Again

Write Letters To Build Intimacy

I’m a letter writer. I love to put my words on paper. I realize not everyone is like me. But writing is a skill that can be cultivated. 

Writing letters to your spouse increases the value of your communication and your connection will grow deeper. Not only is it a thoughtful way to show that you care, but a heartfelt letter can make lasting memories – even decades down the line.

My wife and I have a notebook where we keep all the cards and letters we’ve given each other through the years – going back to when we dated. This is one of my most valued treasures. I believe its one of the reasons our relationship continues to flourish; we put our love on paper for each other to read.

Writing is an opportunity for you to express yourself without filters. You don’t have to worry about glances or tone; what matters is that you write from the heart and let your words do the rest.

Letters also add physical evidence of your love – something tangible for your partner to keep as remembrance.

Writing letters adds intimacy which ensures more strength in a relationship! 

If you want to fix broken communication in your relationship, start by writing putting your love down on paper (or in a card). Just remember, this is not the place to vent or tell your partner what’s wrong; it is a time to reconnect by letting them know how much you love them.

Start by telling them exactly why you fell in love with them in the first place. I can’t think of a better letter to write.

Use A Mnemonic Device

I can feel the wheels turning in your head. What is a mnemonic device? (pronouncednew-ma-nik)

It is a tool used to help remember information. Teachers often use them to get a lesson across. It can be a phrase, acronym, or rhyme that helps you recall facts or data. Mnemonic devices are especially useful for memorizing complex information like formulas, dates, and lists.

Quick example might help. For the music lovers:

The phrase “Every Good Boy Does Fine” is an acronym used to identify the notes on the lines of a treble clef in music theory: E-G-B-D-F. The acronyum is a mnemonic device to help them remember.

So, how do we use this in marriage communication?

One way is to employ a ‘talking stick.’ No. This is not a stick that talks for you. Nor is it a weapon. 

The talking stick was first used by the indigenous people of North America during tribal Pow-Wow’s. Sometimes it is refered to as the ‘speakers stick’ because the person holding was the one allowed to speak. In other words, if you had the stick, it was your turn to talk.

Some counselors employ this same concept when working with couples. Any device will work (it doesn’t have to be a stick), as long as both parties realize the person holding the device was the person allowed to speak.

Here is a variation that is often used when dealing with conflict:

1. One person takes the talking stick and expresses their concerns, frustrations, and fears. This should address the issue, not the other person. Talk about the problem. Do not name-call.
2. A timer is set and the person has X minutes to express themselves.
3. When they are finished (or the timer goes off), the other person is given the stick.
4. They have the same amount of time to express their thoughts and concerns. Same rules apply.
5. After this, the first person takes the stick again. This time they tell the other person what they admire, appreciate, and love about them. 
6. When the timer goes off, the other person takes the stick and does the same – they tell their partner what they love and admire about them.

Couples can cycle through this process a number of times until they feel they have been heard and are connecting with each other.

This is just one form of using a mnemonic device. The point is to use something to help you communicate effectively and connect in an authentic way.

2) Set Talk Times

Talk dates are an important part of growing together. It’s so important, we should schedule times when the entire focus is spent communicating.

Lack of communication results from not talking about the issues that really matter. It’s most often NOT that we talk too much, or we don’t talk enough. Rather, it’s because we do not connect when we talk.

The goal of healthy communication is not merely to transfer knowledge; it is connect. This means listening, hearing, and sharing the experience with our partner. This is the essence of empathy.

Couples who make connecting and communicating a priority are the ones who score highest on marriage satisfaction studies (Kirchler, 1989, Rogge & Bradbury, 1999).

This is one reason planning and prioritizing talk times is so important.

This doesn’t have to be elaborate. You don’t need to book a trip out of town, or stay at a luxuary hotel to connect. In fact, this can often distract you from real connection. It just needs to be something you treat as a priority.

Michelle and I use our dinner time to talk. No TV. No social media. We may have soft music in the background for ambience, but our focus is on sharing a good meal and connecting. 

We talk about our day. Dreams. Goals. Things we are learning. 

We bring each other into our world. This is the key. The goal. It is the real essence of communication.

I’ll say it again. Real communication is about connecting. Without connection, all you are doing is transfering information. We get enough of that at work. Talk times are about entering our spouses world WITH them.

3) Create a ‘Container’

A container is a box you put things in. Sometimes we need to put things on the shelf so we can deal wtih them later.

When something bothers us, we tend to keep it in the forefront of our mind. It garners our constant attention. These things need to be dealt with, but sometimes it is better to put them on the shelf so we can address them at a more convenient time.

Those things that bother us can take up too much of our headspace. We need to clear them out and make way for fresh ideas. The best way to do this is by shelving them away for now, taking care of the important stuff and then tackling the issues when we have more time.

Many call this ‘compartmentalizing.’ It is a way to create a container for our thoughts and feelings. We can put them away until we are ready to deal with them.

This is an important part of effective communication. It allows us to be present in the moment, without being distracted by things that need to be dealt with later.

It also helps us focus on what is important right now, instead of getting bogged down in the details.

It’s important to recognize when we are spending too much energy on something and instead direct it toward something more constructive. Being able to set priorities and allocate resources is essential in order to truly innovate.

When a problem comes up that makes us pause, we need the courage to step away from it and leave it on the shelf until later. This will help you stay focused on the present moment and not get bogged down in details that can wait.

4) Get Educated

We’ve all heard a thousand times: Knowledge is power. The more we understand, the better equipped we are to take proper action. This is why it is vital to continue to grow as a couple.

Many couples spend more time planning for the wedding than they do their marriage. We invest money, time, energy in making sure the wedding comes off without a glitch and the honeymoon is amazing.

The question is, how much time, energy, and resources are we investing in our marriage?

Think of your marriage as an investment. If you want money from your investment portfolio, you have to buy stocks, bonds, or shares. Right? You can’t expect to get anything out if you are not investing in. That’s the way your 401K and the stock market works. It’s the way life works.

You can only withdraw if you’ve made a deposit.

The same goes for marriage. If you want a great marriage, invest in it. Invest in your spouse. 

I’m not merely talking about buying them things. One of the best investments you can give your marriage is continual growth as a husband or wife. Get educated on how to be the person you want to be and should be.

There are many programs available to help you grow as a partner (and as a couple). We have many listed in our Marriage Toolkit. 

If you want a good place to start, I recommend Brad Brownings course called, Mend The Marriage. It’s not just about fixing a broken relationship (although it works for that), it is about making your marriage what it can be.

5) Validate Your Feelings…Then Let Go

Let’s face it. Sometimes we get hurt by our spouses actions. Whether intentional or not, we can be wounded by something they say or do. 

We have several options when this happens:

1. We can hold on to that offense, nurture it, and let it grow.
2. We can forgive and let it go.

I don’t need to tell you the first alternative only leads to deeper hurt. 

Letting go is the way to go.

But letting go doesn’t mean you ignore your pain. It simply means you acknowledge what happened, how it made you feel, and then you choose to forgive and let the matter go.

This may require you to discuss your feelings with your spouse. That’s a good thing. But in the end, letting go is the way to healing and recovery.

6) Learn To Accept Your Partners Bid For Attention

John Gottman describes a bid for attention as a request for connection. It can be anything from a simple question to an invitation to do something together.

When your partner makes a bid for attention, it’s important to recognize it and respond in in a way that allows you to engage and enter their world. This is how we build connection and intimacy in our marriage.

The key is to learn how to recongize and respond to your parthers bid.

This isn’t about having to agree to do everything they suggest. It’s about knowing what they need and being willing to meet that need.

It’s about understanding that connection is the foundation of a strong marriage and being willing to invest in it.

This is a great way to show your partner that you value them and their ideas. It’s also a great way to build trust in your marriage.

 These six keys will help you find solutions for your communication problems.

5 Things To Avoid When Trying To Communicate Better

Now that we have these six tools in our arsenal to make our relationship work better, let’s look at five roadblocks that can interfer with your connection.

Social Media Distractions

Social media can be a major distraction in marriage. It can mean less time spent together, fewer conversations shared and more of your mind filled with things outside of your relationship.

It becomes an addiction that can lead to resentment and hurt feelings between you and your partner.

When the distractions take away from time spent together it undermines trust, negatively impacting the bond between husband and wife.

If you let social media divide your attention, it will only spread further apart what should instead draw you closer.

Holding Unrealistic Expectations

No matter how much two people love each other, expecting too much of one another often leads to disappointment and frustration that can quickly derail a relationship.

It’s wise to stay realistic in a marriage— by setting realistic yet still inspiring goals with your partner, reconciling differences and knowing each other’s needs and limitations.

Being Out Of Tune With Their Love Language

Understanding each other’s love language helps build a strong bond much faster. Knowing how someone likes to express affection, feel secure and accepted, and be affirmed in their relationships can go a long way.

It helps you create moments of genuine connection and intimacy that let each person know they are truly seen and appreciated.

When we are out of tune with each others love language , it can lead to miscommunication and hurt feelings.

To learn more about how love languages help you communicate and connect better, read Gary Chapmans ‘The 5 Love Languages.’ (Buy On Amazon)

Keeping Score Cards

Some couples treat their marriage like a win-or-lose game. They want to ‘win’ the argument, not resolve the issue. They often do this by keeping score.

If their partner does something they don’t like, they either retaliate by doing something to them, or (more often) they keep a tally of all the wrongs so they can use it later.

This approach is never good for any kind of relationship, because it shuts down open communication and leads to a cycle of mistrust.

Rather than holding onto anger or hurt throughout the entire relationship, both parties should be encouraged to speak honestly about their feelings in order to keep the peace between them.

The key to fixing communication problems in a marriage is to be honest, realistic and understanding of each other’s love language. By avoiding distractions, setting realistic expectations and not keeping score cards, couples can work together to build a strong bond that will last for years.

With these tools, couples can create moments of genuine connection and intimacy that will help them stay connected for a lifetime.

Where To Find Help