How to Fight Complacency in Relationships and Reconnect Your Marriage

Complacency in Relationships is more dangerous than many other issues because it is subtle, and often undiagnosed until it’s too late.

It undermines the relationship by taking advantage of things that are normal to expect in a healthy marriage.

Bob and Janet

Bob and Janet have been married for over 25 years. They have one child. For the most part, their marriage has been without major incident. No marital affairs. No separation. No major fights.

Yet, they’ve drifted apart. Bob works long hours to avoid going home. He picked up golf to get him out of the house. He never really liked golf, but it now gives him a reason to be away from Janet.

Janet went to work. She didn’t need to. They’ve been financially secure for years. She did it to fill her time. Her co-workers have become a focal point of her emotional energy.

What Is Complacency in a Relationship?

The technical definition of complacency is a feeling of smug or uncritical satisfaction with something.

Helpful. But not completely accurate when applied to marriage.

A few words connected to complacency gives us a better picture.

• Contentment
• Carelessness
• Slackness
• Laziness
• Dissatisfaction

Dictionary.com adds this: a feeling of security while unaware of some potential danger or defect.

Complacency happens when we become lazy and take for granted the value of our marriage.

This is what happened with Bob and Janet. They’ve never had a major fight. Sure, an argument here and there over the years, but never a ‘knock down drag out’ fight. They are both mild-mannered and pleasant.

They just drifted over the years. They became lazy. They didn’t value what they had in each other. So over time, they lost it.

Complacency Kills Relationships

Ever heard the statement, ‘Complacency Kills’? It does. And it’s a slow death. Like the frog in the kettle, you die before you know your even sick.

I like what Clark Gaither of The Good Men Project says:

To pursue excellence is to be perpetually dissatisfied with the status quo. Complacency is the end of life as you could have known it. Complacency is the lethal enemy of excellence.

There is a principle in life called, ‘The law of use.’ Others call it atrophy. It implies, if you fail to use something, you eventually lose it. Use it, or lose it. That’s what happened to Bob and Janet.

Your relationship is like a muscle. The more you use it (value, appreciate, treasure and engage) the stronger it becomes.

The opposite is also true. If you fail to use it, you will eventually discover it withers and dies.

Signs of Complacency in Relationships

One of the dangers of complacency is how subtle it grows. It doesn’t happen overnight. It grows. Begins small and then takes over your marriage.

Ever heard of kudzu? It’s a vine plant brought to the United States form Japan in the 1800’s. It used to fight soil erosion. The problem is it grew faster (and took over more) than expected.

I grew up in Alabama where the joke is ‘kudzu is taking over the world.’ It’s been called, ‘The vine that ate the South.’

Complacency is the kudzu of marital problems. Once planted, it grows rapidly and takes over the relationship.

Watch out for these signs in your marriage. We cover them in more detail here.

1. Bored and Restless
2. Not Attentive to Your Spouse
3. Not Active in the Relationship
4. Constant Criticism
5. Anger
6. Settling for Status Quo
7. Loss of concern about physical appearance
8. Lack of sexual desire

Note: While there are many reasons for a decline in sexual desire (medical, emotional, psychological, biological) it is something that needs to be discussed. Ignoring it as a possible symptom complacency is dangerous.

Having a conversation about sex could prevent a deeper issue in the future.

9. No desire to talk things through

When issues come up, it’s natural for healthy couples to want to talk it through. It’s a natural response to preserve intimacy. Loss of that desire could signal apathy about the relationship.

These signs help identify potential problems and measure your marriage in terms of complacency. It’s good to remember, the opposite of complacency is a genuine concern and care for your partner.

Complacency Examples

Let’s look at how dissatisfaction caused Bob and Janet to disconnect from their marriage.

A few examples will help:

After a few years of marriage, Bob stopped caring and noticing things that mattered to Janet.

When she got a new hairstyle, Bob never commented. When asked what he thought, he simply said, ‘I don’t care how you wear your hair!’

At first it hurt Janet. Then she rationalized it. ‘He loves me no matter how I look!’ was what she told herself.

Bob also stopped paying attention to other things.

For example, when the car needed an oil change, he replied, ’Why can’t you just take care it!’ For many couples, this is not an issue. But for them it was. Bob had always taken pride in taking care of things like that for Janet.

Maybe she was spoiled. That is what she told herself. So, she dismissed it.

Over time, Bob became more and more unconcerned. It wasn’t over things worth fighting about. It was the little things.

While Janet rationalized it, they grew apart. In the end, they rarely discussed anything of value. Their sex life was nominal. They seemed to live separate lives.

Complacency in Long Term Relationships

You normally don’t see signs of complacency in new relationships. There is still excitement, intrigue and anticipation about your partner.

As time passes and you learn more about your partner, the temptation is to take them for granted. The newness of the marriage wears off and we settle into ruts and routines.

This can be challenging for relationships. It shouldn’t be this way, but often is.

Every stage of a relationship has challenges. As a newly dating couple, the challenge is to let down your guard and be yourself. We tend to put our best foot forward and mold ourselves into the other person’s expectations. Especially if we respect them and are highly attracted to them.

This doesn’t happen all the time, but it is one of the major challenges as we get to know one another.

Once we are comfortable in a relationship, the challenge shifts. We relax because we feel accepted and loved. This is good, but it presents a challenge.

What Causes Complacency in Relationships

There are many factors that cause complacency in a marriage. I put them into two categories: Positive Qualities and Negative Causes.

What do I mean by Positive Qualities?

Not all causes are bad. In fact, some of the issues that cause complacency are things we desire in a relationship.

For example, we all want a relationship where we know we are accepted for who we are, and loved unconditionally. These are excellent qualities that all healthy relationships possess.

However, these qualities can also make us feel so secure we drop our guard and stop trying to make the marriage better. The qualities are not bad. It’s our lack of effort to keep the marriage fresh that becomes an issue.

What about Negative Causes?

These are often obvious. At least in hind-sight.

Below are four of the big negative cause-effect reasons for complacency in marriage.

1. Selfishness

You focus on self instead of your partner.

Selfishness can be detrimental to marriage because it can lead to one spouse feeling neglected or unimportant. If one spouse is always focused on their own needs and wants, it can create tension and conflict in the relationship.

Self-centeredness can also prevent couples from working together as a team and can make it difficult to compromise and negotiate. Ultimately, selfishness can damage the trust, communication, and intimacy that are necessary for a happy and healthy marriage.

Marriage is about serving your spouse. The minute we change our focus to ‘being served’ rather than serving, we start down the path of complacency.

2. Neglect

When we fail to do the things that make marriage fun and exciting, we run the risk of taking the relationship for granted.

Neglect can lead to feelings of loneliness, resentment, and insecurity.

When spouses neglect each other, it can create an emotional distance that is difficult to overcome. If neglect continues over time, it can damage the relationship beyond repair.

3. Criticism

Criticism shifts our focus to what is wrong with the relationship instead of what is right with it. It’s rooted in arrogance and pride. It flows out of a belief that you are better than the other person.

There are a few reasons why criticism can be detrimental for marriage.

First, it can create an environment of negativity and resentment.

Second, it can lead to a feeling of being constantly on the defensive, which can make it difficult to resolve conflict in a constructive way.

Third, criticism can undermine the feeling of trust and intimacy in a relationship.

Finally, criticism can be a form of emotional abuse, which can have long-term effects on both partners in a marriage.

4. Resentment and Anger

Unresolved conflicts cause us to close up emotionally. We become vacant mentally. We disconnect because of hurt, pain and disappointment.

If you don’t deal with the conflict in your marriage, it will fester and grow until it eventually destroys your relationship.

Unresolved conflict is like a cancer that slowly eats away at the bond between husband and wife. Over time, the resentment, anger, and hurt feelings will erode your love and respect for each other, until there is nothing left but a shell of a marriage.

Healthy marriages learn how to deal with conflict in a positive way.

How To Avoid Complacency in A Relationship

There are practical things we can do to guard against complacency in marriage. These are ‘less common’ activities and keys that will help you stay connected, or reconnect if you feel a shift in your relationship.

1. Do something new every week

Shake up your routine. To get out of the rut, you actually have to walk on new ground.

Makes me think about the old wagon trains that trekked across the country. Sometimes the ruts were so deep it would wear down the wagon wheels. To remedy the problem they had to blaze a new trail.

If you don’t like the trail you are on, choose another. But don’t complain about your path if you refuse to change course.

If you don’t like the trail you are on, choose another. But don’t complain about your path if you refuse to change course. Share on X

2. Use goals as a way to motivate your relationship

Goals are certainly not the end-all-be-all cure for problems, but having a direction (dream, desire) for your relationship is key to marriage success. Goals simply help you map out a plan to get there.

Take time to talk about what you want from your relationship. Note: Don’t use this as a time to criticize or gripe about your relationship; this is the time to create a master plan to change direction (or refocus on your original one).

If you are interested in using goals to boost help your marriage, I suggest reading ‘How To Use Goals To Make Your Marriage Better.’

Goals are certainly not the end-all-be-all cure for problems, but having a direction (dream, desire) for your relationship is key to marriage success. Share on X

3. Keep dating and laughing

Healthy marriages are ones that stay engaged by keeping fun alive in their marriage.

It’s amazing how connected we become when we are happy. Make sure to keep laughter in your relationship. Find ways to bring joy to each other.

4. Never Disconnect

The key to not growing cold and distant is never disconnect. Couples that routinely talk never lose their sense of connection.

We often think making marriage work is difficult. It’s not. It’s simple. Not easy, but simple. If you stay connected by doing the things that people in love do, you will always be connected.

That doesn’t mean you won’t have problems or issues you need to resolve. But it does mean you will have the tools you need to work through minor issues so they don’t become big issues.

The key to not growing cold and distant is never disconnect. Couples that routinely talk never lose their sense of connection. Share on X

Big issues happen over time. You don’t wake up with major marriage problems. They grow out of stuff you didn’t deal with as a couple. They morph into trouble because you failed to face them.

That’s not meant to be harsh. It’s just reality.

People don’t have affairs because they woke up one day and decided to cheat. No. They entertained a thought that became a desire that led to a decision.

If you don’t get anything else from this, remember that statement. Read it again. Nothing happens out of the blue. There are signs along the way. We just overlook them or don’t pay attention.

Staying connected helps you pay attention to all the signs.

People don’t have affairs because they woke up one day and decided to cheat. No. They entertained a thought that became a desire that led to a decision. Share on X

5. Let the Little Things be Big

We’ve talked about how little things become big in a marriage. Small problems grow if you ignore them.

You can also think of it this way: the little things make your marriage great – the small gestures, insignificant actions, and little behaviors – that make your marriage sweet can become big ways to keep your relationship from getting stuck.

It’s the little things in life that have big outcomes. Same with marriage.

It’s all about focus. What are you focused on? What do you see – really see- when you look at your relationship?

Do you see a spouse who irritates you? One who doesn’t measure to your standards?

Or do you see the person you want to spend your life with?

Those in the first scenario are usually the couples who stop doing the little things. They let big things get in the way of small gestures of love.

6. Be Thankful

I’ve often encouraged couples in marriage crisis to keep a gratitude journal. It doesn’t have to be fancy, and it doesn’t need to eloquent. But it does need to record the things you are grateful for.

Why gratitude helps you connect

It shifts our focus. Instead of mulling over the problems in our lives, we intentionally choose to think about good things.

We generally get what we continually focus on. This is why people who have problems and focus on them, keep running into more problems. We gravitate toward what we constantly think about.

This is not cosmic goofiness. It’s basic psychology. If you are constantly negative, you will only see more negative. Because you are programming your mind to que up trouble, problems and difficulties.

If you are constantly negative, you will only see more negative. Because you are programming your mind to que up trouble, problems and difficulties. Share on X

A gratitude journal helps you shift your focus. You begin to see more reasons to be thankful.

This works wonders for your relationship because you are programming your mind to see more good in your spouse and marriage. A snowball effect happens. The more grateful you are, the more you have reason to be grateful.

Quotes About Complacency in Relationships

I want to close this article with a few noteworthy quotes about complacency.

Complacency is a huge problem in relationships nowadays. Most people don’t see it because it disguises itself in the form of contentedness and comfortability.

Tyler Leslie

“Complacency in relationships will lead to boredom and dissatisfaction, which are the key threats to infidelity and dissolution.”

-Kelly Campbell, Associate Professor of Psychology California State University

If you don’t nurture and nourish your relationships, they will begin to wither!

– Mark Merrill

Don’t talk to your spouse. Talk in front of them, as though you were letting them listen to your inner monologue. Let them share your thoughts and feelings, whatever they are.

– Brad Browning

Complacency is the silent killer of a marriage. Complacency is insidious in its stealth as it slowly coils around a husband or wife and squeezes their desire for their mate to its final gasp

– BuildYourMarriage.com

Status Quo is hell. Pushing the boundaries of excellence is a stairway to heaven.

– Clark Gaither, The Good Men Project

Wrapping It Up

Complacency is a relationship killer. It’s subtle, yet dangerous. Recognizing it is the first step toward reconnecting with your spouse.

Summary

In this article, we discussed several key aspects of avoiding complacency in your relationship.

• What Is Complacency in a Relationship?
• Complacency Kills Relationships
• Signs of Complacency in Relationships
• Complacency Examples
• Complacency in Long Term Relationships
• What Causes Complacency in Relationships
  • What do I mean by Positive Qualities?
  • What about Negative Causes?
• How To Avoid Complacency in A Relationship
  • 1. Do something new every week
  • 2. Use goals as a way to motivate your relationship
  • 3. Keep dating and laughing
  • 4. Never Disconnect
  • 5. Let the Little Things be Big
  • 6. Be Thankful

What’s Next?

If you want to delve deeper into this topic, we recommend these resources:

1000 Questions for Couples Psychologist Arthur Aron caused two people who didn’t know each other fall in love by having them ask and answer 36 questions.

The Healthy Marriage Quiz
If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.

If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.

Magic Relationship Wordsby Susie and Otto Collins

The Devotion System This free video will show you why men pull away and what you can do to enhance your relationship.