No one likes to feel rejected. What do you do when your husband ignores you? These three steps will help you maintain sanity and actually help you reconnect.
Marriage is the one relationship where we should feel safe, accepted, loved, and respected. Yet sometimes life gets in the way and instead of feeling embraced and love, we feel ignored and rejected.
And this article we will talk about a simple three-step plan to assess your situation and reconnect in your relationship.
Step One: Find Out Why He Is Ignoring You
It is easy to jump to conclusions, but the first step is to find out the reason behind his attitude and behavior. You can’t afford to assume what he is thinking or feeling.
I’ve found there are five (5) basic reasons men ignore their wives. This is not a complete list, but these are the five most common reasons we run into when we deal with couples.
1) He Is A Narcissistic Jerk
If this is the case, it should not come as a surprise. Narcissists generally don’t hide their self-centeredness. So this is not something new.
If your spouse is ignoring you because he is a jerk, the best thing you can do is ignore his actions. He is seeking attention and manipulating the situation to control you.
2) He is Offended About Something
Unfortunately, most people do not have the skill set to confront their feelings and deal with disappointments in relationships. This causes them to retreat and withdraw from others.
One possible reason your spouse is ignoring you is he is offended about something and hasn’t found a way to communicate it with you.
3) He is Preoccupied With Other Things
Stress impacts every aspect of our lives. From health to relationships.
If your spouse is concerned about financial issues, conflict at work, or even the feeling of isolation, it can cause him to pull away. It’s ironic that (as men), when we feel alone, we tend to pull away even more.
4) He is Detached Because There is Someone Else
This is a difficult issue to discuss. Yet, sometimes men pull away because they have found someone else.
This doesn’t necessarily mean an affair (sexual affair). It could be that he has simply found someone else who is meeting his psychological and emotional needs.
5) You Are Being Overly Sensitive
One final thought to consider: It could be you are over reacting to what you THINK is going on in his life.
This usually happens because we project OUR feelings onto our spouse. We feel isolated, so we project those feelings onto our spouse and suppose they are rejecting us.
These are not the only reasons men pull away, but most of the men we talk to fall into one of these categories.
Step Two: Proper Assessment Is The Key
Understanding the real reasons our spouse pulls away is the key to navigating the issue and getting your relationship back on course.
Yet, this is the one area most couples struggle with when it comes to evaluating what is going on in their marriage.
In the video below, I talk about 4 keys you need to master in order to properly assess your situation.
Step Three: Apply These Practical Principles To Deal With a Husband Who Is Pulling Away
Now that you have properly assessed the situation (this must be done before you even know how to find a solution); here are a few practical steps that will move your relationship in the right direction.
Principle #1: Don’t Take It Personal…Unless It is
Before you dismiss this as a meaningless statement, hear me out.
We tend to be masters at misinterpreting situations. This is especially true in marriage. .
If you have assessed your situation correctly and you believe that your spouse is offended with you and that is why he is pulling away, face it, own it, and work to improve the situation.
In other words, it is personal.
If, however, there’s no obvious reason he would be withdrawing from you, don’t take it personal. I realize this is much easier said than done. But it’s important to keep this principle in play .When we take things personally, we escalate potential problems and create more conflict. By not taking it personal, we have the ability to step away from the situation and look at it objectively. Click To Tweet
When we take things personally, we escalate potential problems and create more conflict. By not taking it personal, we have the ability to step away from the situation and look at it objectively.
This ability is what sets effective leaders apart from the crowd. They have the ability to step outside the situation so they can properly assess it. They don’t take it personally.
Remember, it’s only personal if it is personal. If you’ve done something, own it and make it right. If not, step away from the situation so you can see it accurately.
Principle #2: Be Proactive. Not Reactive
Another quality of effective leaders and successful people is they are proactive instead of reactive.
What’s the difference?
This is not a technical definition of either term, but I want to use it to make the point.
We react when we let our feelings and emotions take control. We are proactive when we think things through and we respond in a healthy and positive way.
Let’s face it, most people fall into the category of reacting. Something happens, we react rather than respond.
The idea of responding is connected to the concept of responsibility. Being responsible means we are response-able.
I hope you can see the difference between responding in a responsible way that actually works to solve a problem, and reacting in a way that incites further emotions.
Emotions are not bad. We all have them. They serve as good indicators that something is off. Something is wrong.
But, if we allow them to direct our life, we become slaves to our feelings and emotions.
We are proactive when we refuse to get caught up in the frenzy of emotional drama and we focus on solutions and connecting.
Principle #3: Focus On Connecting
I’ve used this word in several statements above. Connecting.
All communication is about connecting. It’s much more than just transferring information from one party to the other. It’s about forging a connection that makes us feel intimate and known.
When we keep this step in mind, we build a moat around the castle of our marriage to protect us from things that would destroy us.
When we lose sight of the goal of connecting with our spouse, we devolve in our relationship. See you below.
Maybe I can explain this better using another term. Relating.
We often talk about our marriage and terms of relationship. We have a relationship with our spouse. We have a relationship with our children.Relationship is a noun. There's nothing active about it. Contrast that with the term relate. When we relate to one another, there's action involved. It's not passive. It's active. Click To Tweet
Yet relationship is a noun. There’s nothing active about it. Contrast that with the term relate and you can see the difference.
When we relate to one another, there’s action involved. It’s not passive. It’s active.
It’s the same with connecting. Marriage is about connecting on a deep level with our spouse.
I drive home this point because it’s fundamental to a healthy relationship. In fact, we could even say it’s one of the primary purposes of marriage. To know and be known in an intimate way.
A Lesson From Creation
When I look at the creation account, I see God creating man and woman for the purpose of connecting.
Got himself said it is not good for man to be alone. In spite of the fact that Adam lived in a perfect environment, God saw there was something even higher for him. So he created a woman. Because they are part of one another (and from one another), they are connected in an intimate way.
What a beautiful picture of what it means to live in connection with our spouse.
Principle #4: Don’t Devolve
Devolving is the opposite of evolving. Every relationship should grow and evolve. The more we get to know each other, the closer we should feel. Intimacy begets more intimacy.
When relationships move in the wrong direction, they devolve instead of evolve.
As individuals we devolve when all into the trap of criticism, arguing, blame, and accusations.
These behaviors are detrimental to the health of a marriage. They represent the opposite of authentic, loving connection.
Unfortunately, it’s easy to fall into this trap because we feel afraid, wounded, and rejected.
As the old adage goes: Hurt people, hurt people.
It’s true. When we feel rejected, it is a self defense mechanism to close up and reject others.
Yet, this is the very attitude that keeps you from experiencing the marriage you desire.
Principle #5: Always Think In Terms Of Bridges
I like word pictures that paint an image that helps me see my relationships in a new light.
One of the concepts and words I like is that of a bridge.
When it comes to communicating and connecting with their spouse, it’s important to think in terms of bridges instead of walls.
Moats in walls keep people out. Bridges allow us to cross over and connect.Moats in walls keep people out. Bridges allow us to cross over and connect. Click To Tweet
When we are hurt and wounded, it’s easy to begin to react. In terms of motes and walls. We put up fences and gates. These things are the very things that keep us separated. They keep us from experiencing the thing we long for the most- connection.
I find it when I think in terms of an image of a bridge, it helps me make decisions that create points of access for others to come to me and me to go to them. This is especially true in marriage.
Don’t allow a moment in time to ruin a lifetime!Joseph Nolan
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