How To Add Value In A Relationship: 5 Ways To Make Your Spouse Know They Are Special

This article will show you a few examples of how to add value in a relationship; things you can do to make your spouse feel secure and loved.

In his book, ‘No Limits,’ John Maxwell encourages us to think of ways we can add value to others. (Check Amazon Price Here)

He writes:

Spend 5 minutes every evening thinking about who you will see the next day and ask yourself, what can I say to them, give to them, or do for them that will make our time together be memorable, be unexpected and add value to them?

 Here is a video where he explains this concept:

While he writes to leaders and business professionals, this advice is an excellent way to increase intimacy, connection, and marriage satisfaction.

Why Adding Value To Your Marriage Should Be A Priority

Adding value to your marriage is critical. Why? Because it’s one of the most important keys to having a happy marriage.

Marriage takes work. It requires effort. You have to put forth energy and commitment. If you want to have a successful marriage, then you need to invest in your relationship.

You need to take care of each other. And there are many different ways to do that. But one of the best ways is through adding value to your partner.

When you add value to your spouse, they know they’re special. They feel chosen and preferred. They feel like their needs matter.

They feel appreciated. And when you appreciate someone, you don’t just tell them how great they are. You also show them. 

 Two things to understand about adding value to your spouse:

Expectations Shape Reality

People generally live up to the expectations they feel.

In other words, people most often try to live up to the expectations of people they like, know, and trust.

People Respond to Positive Belief 

People respond to positive beliefs about themselves.

Everyone wants to feel good about themselves. The person who succeeds in making others feel good about themselves usually has many friends and holds great influence.

How To Add Value To Your Spouse

Many people find it difficult to find ways to add value to their spouse. Not only is it hard to think of specific things to do, but it’s also difficult to figure out how to do them.

Here are 5 ‘big picture’ ways you can do to make sure your spouse feels valued and preferred.

#1: Add Value To Your Spouse With Your Words

I recently read a story about Thomas Edison that made me think of marriage.

Thomas Edisons Mother

When Thomas Edison was seven years old he was sent home from school with a note from his teacher.

He handed the note to his mother. When she opened the letter, tears began to roll down her face.

Edison asked her ‘What is the matter?’

She smiled and read the letter to young Thomas.

Your son is a genius. This school is too small for him and doesn’t have enough good teachers for training him. Please teach him yourself.

From that point on, Edison was taught at home by his mother.

Years later when she died, Thomas found the note his teacher had sent his mother.

He opened it and read:

Your son is addled [mentally ill]. We won’t let him come to school any more.

Edison cried for hours and later wrote in his journal:

Thomas Alva Edison was an addled child that, by a hero mother, became the genius of the century.

While the story is not 100% true, it is based partly on his experience as a young boy. His mother did not (as far as we know) receive the letter from his teacher, but he was accused of being ‘addled.’ When his mother confronted his teacher, she was not satisfied with their answers, so she decided to homeschool him.

Edison’s journal entry is also true.

He credited his mother for helping him become a genius.

 I hope you can connect the dots on how this relates to marriage.

Our words (especially to those closest to us) have a powerful effect. We can either break or make our spouse by the words we use to them, and about them. Click To Tweet

Our words (especially to those closest to us) have a powerful effect. We can either break or make our spouse by the words we use to them, and about them.

Perhaps the best place to start adding value to your marriage is in the words you use to describe your spouse.

#2: Add Value To Your Spouse With Your Actions

 Words, although powerful, must be backed up with actions that verify and validate them.

In an interview with Lewis Howes, Robert Cialdini tells an interesting story about an experiment that McDonald’s did in Columbia and Brazil.

You can watch the video clip here:

Here is the experiment:

One day Mcdonald’s decided to hand out balloons to all the kids that visited them that day. Half the people got the balloon at the end of their visit. The other half received it when they entered the store.

They discovered that people ordered 25% more food when they received the balloon as they arrived, compared to those who received it at the end of their visit.

The study validates the idea surrounding the law of reciprocity. You’ve probably heard it as sowing and reaping. Or ‘you get what you give.’ 

The interesting part of Cialdini’s story is the takeaway for business. (I’ll also apply this to relationships as well).

We generally approach business transactions this way: You give me your money, then I give you what you paid for. Makes sense, right?

What if we reversed the situation? What if the client received something first? What if we served them first before we asked anything from them?

The McDonald’s story makes a great case for giving first. Before we expect anything in return.

Why it works.

We are socialized from childhood into this rule. We are hardwired to repay (unless you are a complete jerk). When someone does something for us, we feel obligated to do something for them in return.

Sure, this can be abused and used as a manipulation tactic. But if it is not done sincerely, it will be short-lived.

Think about how you respond to someone when they do you a favor. You want to pay them back. Am I right? Sure. It’s in our DNA. We appreciate what they have done for us, and we want to let them know.

Cialdini puts it this way: “I’m not just thankful. I’m obligated. I’m both grateful and obligated” 

Think about it. When a culture practices this rule, there is an exchange of goodness (and goods) that takes place. One good deed leads to another good deed, and the cycle continues. We pile on goodness to those around us.

It makes society work better when we give first.

Let’s stretch this into the arena of relationships.

What if served our spouse first. Before anything else, we simply gave of ourselves? How would your marriage look? What changes would take place?

The thing you need to remember is: You aren’t really giving it away because it will come back to you.

As long as you live with the belief that you are losing if you give first, you will never serve your spouse (or others). – Robert Cialdini Click To Tweet

As long as you live with the belief that you are losing if you give first, you will never serve your spouse (or others). In fact, it puts YOU in a position of taking. Not the other way around.

#3: Add Value To Your Spouse With Your Thoughts

Thoughts a merely the expression of what we believe about life, ourselves, and others. We think good thoughts because we believe good things. We think negative thoughts because believe bad things.

While that may seem over-simplified, there is tremendous truth in those words. The concept holds up.

So, what you ultimately believe about your spouse (and your marriage) will be reflected in the thoughts you continually meditate on.

For example, the husband who BELIEVES his wife is angry, selfish, or cold emotionally and physically, will generally treat her that way.

 Amy Morin is a psychotherapist agrees. In an article for Forbes magazine, she states:

Your thoughts are a catalyst for self-perpetuating cycles. What you think directly influences how you feel and how you behave. So if you think you’re a failure, you’ll feel like a failure. Then, you’ll act like a failure, which reinforces your belief that you must be a failure.

Once you draw a conclusion about yourself, you’re likely to do two things; look for evidence that reinforces your belief and discount anything that runs contrary to your belief.

Not only does this impact our self-image, but it shapes how we do life. Especially life with our spouse.

The big takeaway is:

You can learn to change your thinking by practicing. Once you let go of negative or limiting beliefs about yourself and your marriage, you’ll be in a better position to achieve your relationship goals.

4: Add Value By Showing Respect and Preference

In her book, For Women Only, (Check Amazon)Shaunti Feldhahn tells about an experiment she witnessed during a weekend retreat for married couples.

Men were asked to stand on one side of the room, and women on the opposite.

The leader asked both groups to choose between feeling alone and unloved vs feeling inadequate and disrespected.

When she asked men, ‘What matters most to you?’ it surprised her that all but a handful of the men stepped forward when she said ‘respect.’

She was startled to discover that all but a few men indicated they would rather go through life feeling unloved than being disrespected.

She concluded:

While it may be totally foreign to most of us, the male need for respect and affirmation—especially from his woman—is so hardwired and so critical that most men would rather feel unloved than disrespected or inadequate.

While this study only addresses the male side of the equation, respect is a key component in all successful marriages.

With men, it seems apparent and overt.

Women tend to connect feeling loved with acceptance, appreciation, and being ‘chosen’ above all else.

By giving respect (honor, acceptance, preference) we establish the value of our spouse.

For more on this, check out our article on building respect in your marriage.

#5: Add Value By Making Your Relationship A Priority

It’s so easy to say we value our spouse, but our time often tells a different story.

Jesus made a very telling statement about the human heart. He said:

²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:21

In other words, your heart follows your treasure (what you value most).

That is backwards to most people. We tend to think our treasure is where our heart is. That may be true, but the point of origin doesn’t start with the heart; it begins with where we put our treasure.

Here is an example:

When we moved from Colorado to a lake community in middle Tennessee, we decided to buy a pontoon boat so we could enjoy the lake. And to lure our children and grandchildren to visit more.

Even though it was a used boat, we took pride in how it looked. The day I picked it up, we brought it home so we could clean it up. We pulled up the carpet, reworked the seats, pressure-washed it from bow to stern.

We invested several days to make sure it was in tip-top condition. We took pride in it.

Because we put so much energy (and money) into our boat, we valued it. Our value of it was based on what we spent in time, energy, and money.

Most people don’t think of it that way.

But the reality is, if something doesn’t cost you anything, we tend to DE-value it; not value it.

The more something cost (in time, energy, and money) the more attached we are to it.

If you invest in it, your value for it increases. This goes double for marriage relationships. Click To Tweet

It works the same with marriage.

If you invest in it, your value for it increases.

A Simple Fix For Most Marriage Issues

Most marriage issues do not need complicated solutions to fix problems. It can be as simple as investing in your relationship.

The process is simple:

Invest your time, energy, and resources in your spouse; when you do, your value for them increases. When your value increases (your heart connects), you do more things for them because you care for them. And the cycle increases.

The starting point is to make an investment in your spouse. That is how to make your marriage a priority.

r time, energy, and resources in your spouse; when you do, your value for them increases. When your value increases (your heart connects), you do more things for them because you care for them. And the cycle increases. Click To Tweet

Final Thought on How to Add Value in a Relationship

I’ve met a lot of people who have been married for a long time. When I ask them what they’ve learned from their marriages, they almost uniformly tell me they wish they had made them a priority earlier.

When a marriage is a priority, the couple is mutually invested in the health and well-being of their relationship.

We have to make sure that we are constantly adding value to our spouse, so that they know we care about them and their needs. This isn’t always easy or convenient, but it’s always worth it.

The best way to make your marriage a priority is to constantly be engaged in adding value to your spouse.

We covered five ways to make sure we are always adding value to our spouse. Commit to implementing these things in your relationship and you will see a difference.

 Summary

• Why Adding Value To Your Marriage Should Be A Priority
  • Expectations Shape Reality
  • People Respond to Positive Belief 
• How To Add Value To Your Spouse
  • #1: Add Value To Your Spouse With Your Words
  • Thomas Edisons Mother
  • #2: Add Value To Your Spouse With Your Actions
  • #3: Add Value To Your Spouse With Your Thoughts
  • 4: Add Value By Showing Respect and Preference
  • #5: Add Value By Making Your Relationship A Priority

What’s Next?

Where To Find Help