How Long Does It Take To Get Over Infidelity: 8 Steps To Help You Work Through Grief

If you have been affected by infidelity, you are likely wondering how long does it take to get over infidelity? There is no set timeline to recover from the hurt and betrayal of an affair. Every person copes with infidelity differently, so there is no one definitive answer to this question.

If you’re struggling to move on after an affair, you’re not alone. There are certain things you can do to speed up the process.

This guide will help you understand what to expect and how to speed up the healing process.

It was 1999. I met with a young man who confided in me that he had an affair. When his wife found out, she retaliated by having an affair. This cycle continued for over a year. Each time causing more hurt and damaging their relationship even more.

They eventually divorced only to remarry three years later. The aftermath of this cycle of hurting one another not only hurt each other, but it devastated their children.

This scenario is unfortunately common among couples who have been hurt by infidelity. But it doesn’t have to be this way. By understanding the process of grief, and committing to a plan of action that is positive and healthy, you can move past an affair.

When someone is cheated on, it feels like their world has been turned upside down. It can be hard to get over the hurt and betrayal that comes with infidelity. How long it takes to get over infidelity varies from person to person. Some people may be able to move on relatively quickly, while others may struggle for years.

There is no one right answer when it comes to getting over infidelity. Some people need time to heal and process their feelings, while others may need to take action to rebuild their relationship. What matters most is that you take the time you need to heal and that you don’t rush the process.

Realize Time Is Relative

I’ve already mentioned it, but there is no set timeline for recovery. How long it takes to get over an affair depends on a number of factors.

Here are a few factors that come into play. We’ve covered them in one form or another in previous articles, but I will repeat them here.

1) The depth of the affair

This is what I mean: Was the affair a ‘one-off’ event, or is there a history of a long-term relationship? 

In one sense, it doesn’t matter. The pain of betrayal cuts deep. On another level, it can impact how quickly you can recover. 

I’ve found that long-term affairs require a deeper level of work than a one-night stand. If your spouse is in a relationship (or has been in a relationship) this could be a sign that there are deeper feelings they are dealing with.

Again, cheating is cheating. It doesn’t matter if it was a one-night stand or not. Trust is broken. It requires time to rebuild. 

However, the longer the relationship between your spouse and the other party, the more difficult it is to move past the pain.

2) Your Emotional Stability

Let’s face it, moving past an affair is not easy. It leaves scars. It can leave you feeling abandoned, betrayed, and unloved (as well as unlovely). 

The more vulnerable you feel, the harder (and longer) it is to get past the offense.

I’ve met couples who quickly forgave and moved on. This was usually because there was no long-term bond established in the affair. It was pure lust or physical.

These couples (the offended spouse) were incredibly strong and did not take it personally. At least, not in the sense of an attack on their own person. They realized it was their spouses ‘issue’ and not theirs.

I’m not suggesting it didn’t hurt; it did. But they were able to put it in a proper perspective that didn’t allow them to question their own well-being.

On the other hand, I’ve met couples who took years to get over an affair. In fact, many were never able to recover. The wound was too deep and they were not able to heal as long as they were in the marriage.

So, recovery depends a lot on how well you can adapt, and how strong you are emotionally.

Disclaimer: This in no way suggests being vulnerable, broken, or hurt is wrong. Betrayal is serious. I’m simply pointing out that to move past an affair requires the ability to not let it destroy your own sense of identity.

3) Your Willingness To Forgive and Move On

It goes without saying you must forgive if you want your marriage to work. It is impossible to maintain a healthy relationship while holding resentment and unforgiveness.

A healthy marriage is built on trust. Without it, there is no relationship. Rebuilding trust begins with working through the issues that triggered the affair and forgiving your spouse.

For more on forgiving your spouse, check out our series on forgiveness.

There are other factors that determine how quickly you get past an affair, but these are three that must be addressed.

Time is relative in the sense that it is dependent on how fast you can come to terms with what you want (do you want to save your marriage?), and how hard you are willing to work on the relationship. 

It also depends on the offended spouse. Are they willing to make the marriage work? There are things they must face as you both move past the affair.

Working Through The Stages of Grief

We hear a lot about the stages of grief, but what about the stages of recovery? Let’s use the grief stages to understand the process of recovery from infidelity.

One factor to keep in mind when reading this section; I am writing to the offended party. Not the spouse who had the affair. There are stages of recovery for them as well. But this article is written to help spouses who have been hurt by infidelity.

1. The Denial Stage

The denial stage of grief is when a person refuses to accept that a loved one has died or is no longer in the relationship. This often happens when a spouse is recovering from an affair. The person may deny that the affair ever happened, that their spouse was cheating, or that the relationship is over.

They may downplay the significance of the affair or try to rationalize it. They may also ignore the warning signs that their spouse was cheating.

This can be very harmful to the person recovering from the affair, as it can delay the healing process.

To move past the denial stage, you must first acknowledge the pain that you are feeling. You must also accept that your spouse has been unfaithful. This can be a difficult process, but it is necessary if you want to begin to heal.

You may also need to take steps to protect yourself from further harm. This may include seeking counseling or therapy, and/or removing yourself from situations that are harmful or triggering.

2. The Anger Stage

The anger stage of grief is often characterized by feelings of intense rage and resentment. In the context of a spouse recovering from an affair, this stage may be marked by a desire for revenge against the affair partner, as well as anger and frustration towards the spouse who engaged in the affair.

This stage can be difficult to navigate, and it is important to have support during this time.

Some spouses feel like they need to stay in the anger stage in order to punish their spouse, but it is important to remember that this is not healthy and can actually prolong the grieving process. Eventually, it is important to move on to the acceptance stage.

There are four things to avoid in this stage:

• Do not isolate yourself. Seek out support from friends and family.
• Do not dwell on the anger. It is important to express your feelings, but don’t let them consume you.
• Do not try to handle everything on your own. Ask for help when you need it.
• Don’t seek revenge by having an affair yourself.

 These things can be devasting to your relationship.

3. The Bargaining Stage

The bargaining stage of grief is when the individual tries to negotiate with the universe in order to reverse the situation. They may plead, bargain, or try to make deals with a higher power in order to fix what has been damaged. This is often seen in cases of severe loss, such as the death of a loved one.

In cases of adultery, the spouse may try to bargain with their partner in order to get them to come back, or they may plead with them to understand why they strayed.

They may also try to make deals with themselves in order to make the pain more manageable. This often occurs as a way to postpone accepting the reality of the situation.

Many victims of infidelity bargain with themselves by making deals such as; if I do this or that, then the affair won’t have mattered. Or I will never be able to trust again, but at least I have my spouse and family.

In the bargaining stage, you feel like you are in control and that you can fix things. It is a time when you are trying to make sense of the situation.

Yet, over time it becomes clear that the bargaining stage is just a way to try and cope with the pain. The reality is that the situation cannot be reversed and that there is no easy fix.

In the bargaining stage, a person tries to change his or her situation through self-help measures. This stage is common after a spouse cheats, but it is not always helpful. Some people find themselves stuck here because they believe that if they do enough good deeds, their spouse will come back to them.

However, this belief is unrealistic.

It is best to focus on getting better, rather than trying to make up for what went wrong.

4. The Depression Stage

The depression stage of grief is characterized by feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and despair. It can be very difficult for a spouse who has been betrayed to cope with these intense emotions.

This is the stage when the gravity of what happened hits home. It is important to seek professional help to deal with the grief and betrayal.

The spouse may also need to distance themselves from the offending partner to begin the process of healing. It is important to allow yourself time to grieve and not rush the healing process. While there is no set time frame for recovering from an affair, with time and patience, the spouse can begin to rebuild their life.

Also, the betrayed spouse may want to consider joining a support group for individuals who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair. This can be a helpful way to connect with others who understand what you are going through and can provide support.

5. The Acceptance Stage

The acceptance stage of grief is when the individual realizes that they are not going to get the outcome they wanted and they must come to terms with the situation. This can be difficult for a spouse recovering from an affair as they may feel like they are not good enough and that they need to make up for their wrongs.

The spouse must accept that the affair happened, that they are not responsible for it, and that they are not the only one who is hurting. They must also be willing to forgive their partner and work on rebuilding the relationship.

Additionally, the spouse must be willing to communicate openly and honestly with their partner about what they are feeling, what they need, and what they are afraid of. They should also be willing to listen to their partner without judgment and try to work together to rebuild the relationship.

This stage doesn’t mean you come to the conclusion that it was okay for your spouse to have an affair. Rather, it is the stage where you accept the facts so you can move forward.

A Roadmap For Healing: 8 Steps To Help You Work Through Grief

Once you move through the stages of grief, it’s time to get a plan to get your life back, as well as your marriage. I mention getting your life back first because you cannot rebuild your relationship if you are not healed.

When you find out your spouse has had an affair, it can feel like your world is crashing down. You may feel like you can’t go on, and that everything you believed in has been destroyed. But it is possible to heal after an affair. Here is a roadmap for healing after your spouse had an affair:

Here Are 8 Things You Can Do To Rebuild Your Life And Marriage

1. Be honest with yourself.

You owe it to yourself to acknowledge how you feel, what you think, and what you know. If you don’t, then you won’t be able to heal.

2. Don’t blame yourself.

Blaming yourself will keep you stuck in the guilt stage. Instead, take responsibility for your part in the affair.

3. Learn from this experience.

Use the information you gained from your situation to learn more about yourself. Don’t dismiss this as psychological babble. It’s important to grow from this experience.

4. Give yourself time to grieve.

The first step is to give yourself time to grieve. You have gone through a traumatic experience, and you need time to process all of the emotions that you are feeling. Don’t try to rush the process, and don’t try to bottle up your feelings. Allow yourself to cry, to feel angry, and to feel sad.

5. Talk to someone who understands.

It can be helpful to talk to someone who understands what you are going through. Find a friend or family member who will listen to you, and who won’t judge you. You may also want to consider talking to a therapist, who can help you work through your emotions.

6. Don’t try to do it alone.

It is important to have support during this time. Don’t try to do it alone. Lean on your friends and family, and allow them to help you.

4. Take care of yourself.

In addition to getting support from others, you need to take care of yourself. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, and exercising. These things will help you to cope with the stress of the situation.

7. Talk about the affair.

One of the most important things you can do is to talk about the affair. Talk to your spouse, and talk to your friends and family. This is a way to process the experience and to begin to rebuild your relationship.

8. Forgive.

Finally, you need to forgive. This may be the hardest thing to do, but it is essential for healing. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are forgetting what happened, or that you are condoning the affair. It means that you are releasing the anger and hurt that you are feeling and that you are moving on.

Let go. Your spouse cheated because he/she needed something from you. Now it is time to let go of him/her and focus on yourself.

Final Thoughts On How Long It Takes To Get Over An Affair

Affairs are difficult to get over, but with time, patience, and effort, it is possible to move on. It is important to understand that there is no specific time frame for getting over an affair, as everyone heals differently. Some people may take a few months, while others may take a few years.

But there are Some things that may help speed up the healing process.

In this article, we covered the stages of grief and applied them to move past an affair. We also looked at eight practical steps that will help you move forward and rebuild your life and relationship.

Summary

• Realize Time Is Relative
  • 1) The depth of the affair
  • 2) Your Emotional Stability
  • 3) Your Willingness To Forgive and Move On
• Working Through The Stages of Grief
  • 1. The Denial Stage
  • 2. The Anger Stage
  • 3. The Bargaining Stage
  • 4. The Depression Stage
  • 5. The Acceptance Stage
• A Roadmap For Healing: 8 Steps To Help You Work Through Grief
  • 1. Be honest with yourself.
  • 2. Don’t blame yourself.
  • 3. Learn from this experience.
  • 4. Give yourself time to grieve.
  • 5. Talk to someone who understands.
  • 6. Don’t try to do it alone.
  • 4. Take care of yourself.
  • 7. Talk about the affair.
  • 8. Forgive.

What’s Next?