How To Help A Friend In An Emotionally Abusive Marriage

It’s not easy watching someone you care about experience an abusive relationship. How do you help a friend in an emotionally abusive marriage? What’s is the best way you can offer support and direction? We explore the do’s and don’ts of dealing with people in explosive relationships.

If you have a friend or family member in an emotionally abusive marriage there is little you can do to stop all the hurt and pain. However, you can help prevent the relationship from getting worse by making sure that your friend understands what he/she is experiencing is not normal.

Remember, when someone commits to a relationship with another person they promise to love, honor and cherish them until death do them part. They promise to be there through thick and thin no matter how difficult the times may be. In an emotionally abusive relationship, this is not the case.

If you have a friend in an emotionally abusive marriage, he/she may be in denial of what is really going on in the relationship. This is for many reasons. First, he/she may be ashamed to admit they got themselves into a bad situation and are struggling with the pain of what has happened. Your friend may also feel that if they admit abuse is occurring (and it’s hurting them), their partner will get even angrier and out of control. Without a doubt, your friend’s partner will do everything in his/her power to prevent the truth from coming out.

Emotional abuse is the opposite of emotional security. You can help by being supportive and loving. Your friend needs you now more than ever before. He/she needs a safe and secure place where they will not be judged for what has happened or what they are experiencing.

There are a few ground rules you should know before you try to offer help.

Disclaimer: This material is presented for information purposes. If you know someone who is in an abusive situation, encourage them to seek professional help. We can’t say this enough. The information below is offered to help YOU help them. It may seem counter-intuitive, but always remember, you are not a professional, so lead them to someone who is.

1) Protect Yourself First

Ask any law enforcement agent and they will tell you domestic abuse situations can be dangerous. Proceed with caution. This goes double for you as a friend.

I look at it like this:

If you’ve flown on an airplane you are familiar with the instructions in case of emergency. If the oxygen masks drop down, first secure yours before you try to help someone else.

The same principle applies to helping friends in bad marriages.

Three potential problems might occur:

1. They may resent you even though you are trying to help.

I’ve seen this happen more than once. You insert yourself into the situation because you see how wounded they are, yet they resist your help and feel you are intruding into their life.

This usually happens because the abuser manipulates them and convinces them you are the enemy.

2. The spouse might take revenge.

As I mentioned, domestic issues can be dangerous. Unfortunately, if the abuse is severe, the spouse may seek revenge against you.

Abusers are usually narcissists. They have very little regard for anyone else. They often look for battles. It’s possible you will only set yourself up for a conflict you are not ready (or equipped) to handle.

3. You Could Get In Legal Trouble

If things go sideways, you could be liable for giving bad information.

We don’t like to think about the legal aspects of this, but it is something to consider. According to experts you can be sued for giving advice. I’m sure there are exceptions, but it is wise to know the laws and protect yourself. While the suit might not hold water, you could be out a lot of money proving your innocence.

In either case, proceed with caution.

You may be wondering, what CAN I do if a friend is struggling and suffering emotional abuse or neglect? The best advice you can give them is to seek help from a professional.

2) Encourage Them To Seek Professional Help

This should be your goal. Unless you are a trained counselor, you shouldn’t offer anything but support.

I realize this is a difficult decision. When you see someone you care about being abused and used by their spouse, it is tempting to get in the middle and let your opinion be known. It’s easy to accuse the abusive spouse and tell them everything you think of them. This is not always the best thing to do.

Sometimes it can backfire and make the situation even worse for the abused spouse.

What they need is help. The kind of psychological help that is best given by a trained therapist.

Let’s face it. There is a lot of emotional debris that comes with abuse. The first step is getting out of the situation. Next comes healing from the wounds incurred because of neglect, mistreatment, and harshness.

Your role as a concerned friend is to encourage them to get the help they really need.

3) Don’t Take It Lightly

According to M.P. Koss and R.M. Tolman, emotional abuse often proceeds physical abuse and is reported to have as much psychological damage to a person as physical abuse.

There are several types of abuse that occur in intimate romantic relationships. It is frequently the case that two or more types of abuse are present in the same relationship. Emotional abuse often precedes, occurs with, and/or follows physical or sexual abuse in relationships

While there are many forms of abuse, the end result is usually the same: broken, wounded, and hurting people who need help.

Neglect, rejection, and verbal abuse (emotional abuse) damages the victim's self-esteem. It should never be taken lightly. Share on X

Neglect, rejection, and verbal abuse (emotional abuse) damages the victim’s self-esteem. It should never be taken lightly.

4) Don’t Judge, Shame, or Reject Them

It’s understandable that you may be upset and have all kinds of questions for your friend about how they could’ve gotten into such a bad relationship. However, try not to judge them, shame them or reject them for their decision to stay with their partner.

The more you vent or put down their partner, the less likely they will want to open up and have an honest conversation with you.

5) Don’t Tell Them To Leave The Relationship

Your friend is already in pain and confused about what they should do. They may feel freer to speak with you if you ease up on the pressure and don’t put all the responsibility on them to change their partner or their circumstances.

If the relationship is physically abusive, you DO need to encourage them to leave. Even in an emotionally abusive situation, they may need to leave. Before you advise them to get out, remember your goal is supporting. Listen to them. Most of the time, people will come to their own conclusions about what to do. This is always best.

If you tell them to leave and they choose not to, it may interfere with your relationship. They may be hesitant to reach out to you next time because they feel embarrassed. Let them come to their own conclusions.

I’ll say it again: If there physical abuse or severe psychological abuse, you might need to step in and encourage them to leave.

The best advice you can give, however, is to seek professional help.

6) Don’t Offer Advice That You’ve Never Experienced Yourself

If you’ve never experienced emotional abuse in marriage, you are in no position to offer advice about what your friend should do. Suggesting that your friend should just leave the relationship will only humiliate him/her and cause more strain on the friendship.

There are a few key things you can say.

It’s easy to say things like:

• I would never put up with that!
• You should put him in his place.
• Why do you let him do that to you?
• Why don’t you stand up to him?

These statements usually only reinforce their decision to withdraw. Allow them space to talk. Don’t feel like you should always offer a solution.

7) Don’t Try To Fix Them

Your friend may be confusing normal relationship conflicts, some of which are unavoidable, for abuse. If they act out and are rude or disrespectful during a disagreement, they may think that you are rejecting them (if your reaction isn’t what they expected). This can make them feel even more isolated from you.

It’s not your job to interfere with the relationship, no matter how bad it gets. You may feel that if you step back and do nothing, you will be betraying your friend and your trust will be broken. However, it is not up to you to change anything about the relationship. Try not to fix it or get involved with trying to solve the problems for them.

8) Don’t Tell Them Not To Talk To Their Partner

Sometimes we want to help our friends by not allowing them to communicate with their partner, but this only creates more problems. Your friend may feel like they are being punished and rejected for something their partner has done. This can fuel resentment and anger which, in turn, may lead your friend to lash out at you the next time you communicate with him/her. 

If they’ve told you their partner is abusing them, it’s best to let them communicate with their partner as long as that communication doesn’t involve any violence.

9) Don’t Judge Them If They Choose To Stay In The Relationship

It’s important that you are supportive of your friend, even if he/she chooses to stay in the relationship.

Always keep a door open for them to come to you. You’ll close the door if you criticize a decision or hint that they should have done something different.

Some people stay in abusive relationships because they believe that they are the only ones who love their partner. They are afraid of what will happen if they leave.

Always keep a door open for them to come to you. You'll close the door if you criticize a decision or hint that they should have done something different. Share on X

If your friend continues to stay in the relationship, it’s best to listen and support them. Let them know you will always be there for them if they need you, no matter what decision they make. 

10) Don’t Assume You Know What’s Best For Them

A person in an emotionally abusive relationship may make bad choices that you don’t agree with, but they are the best judge of what’s right for them. When someone close to you has an issue and comes to you for advice, refocus the conversation on what they want: their own goals and how they think you can support them in achieving those goals. 

Don’t ever tell someone what to do, but instead propose information and options that will help the person come up with his/her own solutions.

Don't ever tell someone what to do, but instead propose information and options that will help the person come up with his/her own solutions. Share on X

Remember, a person experiencing emotional abuse is the victim. As victims, they often express a form of PTSD. Their decision-making is impaired because they see things through the eyes of rejection. Their feelings and thought process is skewed.

Signs You Might Be In An Abusive Relationship

Before we close this article, it might be helpful to see a list of warning signs about domestic violence, the cycle of abuse, and basic signs of abuse.

The New York Institute of Technology compiled a list of warning signs of relationship abuse. Their list includes 13 things to watch for:

• Checking cell phones, emails, or social networks without permission
• Extreme jealousy or insecurity
• Intense relationship
• Constant belittling or put-downs
• Explosive temper
• Isolation from family and friends
• Making false accusations
• Erratic mood swings
• Physically inflicting pain or hurt in any way
• Possessiveness
• Belief in personal superiority
• Telling someone what to do
• Repeatedly pressuring someone to have sex

If you see this happen with your friends, or they come to you seeking help, remember the 10 Tips we’ve mentioned and encourage them to seek professional help.

Final Thoughts on How to Help a Friend in an Emotionally Abusive Marriage

An abusive relationship is difficult and traumatic to live through. 

You want to help your friend, but you don’t know how. These 10 tips on how to help someone experiencing neglect, emotional abuse, and a failing relationship will guide you as you try to offer support and help to your friend.

You may not be able to save them from a bad relationship, but by listening and offering support, you’ll be a safe place for them when they seek help. You’ll be there for them so that they don’t feel alone in their pain.

Summary

• 1) Protect Yourself First
• 2) Encourage Them To Seek Professional Help
• 3) Don’t Take It Lightly
• 4) Don’t Judge, Shame, or Reject Them
• 5) Don’t Tell Them To Leave The Relationship
• 6) Don’t Offer Advice That You’ve Never Experienced Yourself
• 7) Don’t Try To Fix Them
• 8) Don’t Tell Them Not To Talk To Their Partner
• 9) Don’t Judge Them If They Choose To Stay In The Relationship
• 10) Don’t Assume You Know What’s Best For Them

What’s Next?

To get more help creating the marriage you desire and deserve, check out these resources:

The Healthy Marriage Quiz
If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.

The Healthy Marriage Toolkit
Books, Courses, Programs and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.

Five Simple Steps Marriage Course
Marriage doesn’t have to be complicated. In this 5 part mini series you’ll discover practical steps to redesign your marriage.

Healthy Marriage Courses
Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.

If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.