This is part of the marriage forgiveness series. In this article we discuss 7 reasons forgiving your spouse may be the best thing you can do for your relationship.
For example, they were discussing a job opportunity that would require them to move about 4 hours away. It was a great financial opportunity for Elliot.
Nan (the mother in law) had strong opinions about the move. It was obvious she was against it. And she let her voice be heard. Constantly.
Elliot wanted the job, but his mom kept pressuring him to stay. She used threats (I’ll just sell all our land if you move instead of leaving it you), manipulation (she turned on the tears to make Elliot feel bad), and control (she tried to drive a wedge between Elliot and Beth).
Beth’s resentment quickly became unforgiveness. Toward Elliot, but mostly his mom.
While they never had a ‘great’ relationship, it turned bad when Nan amped up her tactics to force them to stay.
The worst part was Beth’s marriage struggled. She didn’t understand why Elliot didn’t put his foot down and demand his mom stay out of their business.
Her unforgiveness began to take a toll on her health, spiritual life, and especially her relationship with Elliot.
That’s when she went to a counselor in their area. After explaining the scenario, the counselor recommended Beth forgive.
At first, she was appalled. Why was she suddenly the ‘bad guy.’
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7 Reasons You Should Forgive Your Spouse (And Everyone Else In Your Life)
Quick note: Some of the reasons apply more to those outside our marriage (in-laws, friends, family) while others are directed toward our spouse.
The Healthy Marriage
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#1 You Break the Chains
When you forgive others (your spouse), you break the chain that ties you forever to that person.
There is a beautiful Hebrew word often translated to forgive or forgiveness. It paints a picture of cutting a cord.
We’ve all been hurt. But what we do with it sets the trajectory of our future.
Hold it and we force ourselves into a life of bondage. The cord remains tied to the event (or even person). We remain connected to that pain.’
Image dragging around a 20lb ball and chain for the rest of your life. It’s exhausting. And it interferes with EVERYTHING you want to do in life.
Release it and we free ourselves.
Beth learned that forgiveness didn’t mean she had to approve of her mother-in-law’s behavior (or even tolerate it). But it did mean she had to let it go and refuse to let her behavior continue to disrupt her life.
#2 You Empower Yourself
Forgiving your spouse (or others who have wounded you) gives you back control of your life.
Beth had lost control of her life; all she thought about was how Nan had intruded into their lives, and she felt about it.
In essence, Nan was controlling Beth even though Beth was fighting against it. Her constant fixation on the situation was proof that she had lost her power of self-control.
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Unforgiveness only empowers others to control you.
Think about it. When you constantly think about how they have hurt you, and taken advantage of you only indicates they continue to have power over you.
When you forgive them, you release yourself from that control.
Forgiving is as much about YOU being free than you freeing the other person.
As long as you displace responsibility by blaming someone or something for who and what you are, you eliminate your power to be anything other than partial and incomplete.
No one person can be what God alone is meant to be.
In other words, no one can ‘make’ you happy but you.
When we accept responsibility for our every thought and action, we empower ourselves by performing this highest act of consciousness, but that means we no longer have anyone to blame.
Beth was not only forfeiting her self control, she was expecting Elliot to make her happy. She thought if he would just put his mother in her place everything would be back to normal.
In an unconscious way, she was basing her happiness on Elliot’s behavior. Any time we put that expectation on someone else, we are operating under the belief that others are the ones who control our emotional state.
We can’t control other people and make them into what we want them to be, yet that’s how many of us have spent our lives.
By forgiving Elliot and his mom, Beth was able to take responsibility for her own happiness and regain control of her life.
#4 It Positions You To Receive
There is an ancient wise saying that states:
You can’t receive something if you already hold something in your hand
Another way to put it is you can’t pour from an empty container.
You can’t be filled with love if all you have is unforgiveness.
Beth’s marriage suffered because she allowed the actions of her mother-in-law to fill her marriage tank.
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The Marriage Fuel Tank
Marriage is like a fuel tank. We can only use what we put into it. If we put premium fuel in on a regular basis, we will always have energy for our relationship.
If, however, we fail to put fuel in the tank, or we allow ‘bad’ fuel to fill the tank, we will not have the resources needed for a great marriage.
This is what Beth did. She didn’t realize it, but she was allowing bad fuel to replace the premium fuel in her marriage tank. And it caused the marriage to run lose power.
When she realized this, she made a decision to fill her marriage with the right fuel. It started with removing the bad fuel that was crowding out the good.
Acceptance, love, and forgiveness are as necessarily interrelated as each side of a triangle is to the whole shape.
Unforgiveness and resentment cause us to lose perspective. It clouds our opinion and blurs our vision.
Hiking at Red Rock Canyon & Ute Valley
A couple of our favorite places to hike in Colorado is Red Rock Canyon and Ute Valley. Both were near where we lived so we frequently went there to spend the afternoon.
Both are beautiful places as you can see from the video below.
Suppose something with me:
Michelle and I are hiking one beautiful afternoon. As we make our way up to a lookout peak, I get a stone in my shoe.
It grinds into my heel. Every step is excruciating. I continue, but step by step my foot hurts.
I comment to Michelle, “This trail is terrible. It hurts my feet. I don’t like this particular trail. I wish we had chosen a different path.”
Is my feeling justified?
Of course not. At least not for the reason I’m considering.
The problem is not the path. It’s the stone in my shoe.
Beth had done the same thing with her marriage. She complained that it was going south. They were constantly having trouble. It was wounding her to stay in the relationship.
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But…
It’s not the path that was bad. It was the stone in your soul.
Quick Disclaimer: I do believe Elliot was to blame for a lot of the problem. He should have chosen his wife over his mother. There were many things he could have done differently. But the problem at this point was the stone lodged in Beth’s soul.
Back to My Hike
Suppose I stopped long enough to get the rock out of my shoe.
Now the pain is gone. I can enjoy the hike. I have a completely different perspective on the path we’ve chosen.
The problem is most often not the path you are own, but the stone in your own soul.
Take care of that and your perspective changes.
#6 Unforgiveness Poisons You
Someone has said:
‘Unforgiveness is equal to drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
It’s true. For a number of reasons:
Most people that intentionally hurt us don’t care if we are upset.
They often move on, but we are left with the residue of the emotions.
It gets INSIDE of us and destroys life from the inside out.
When we choose to forgive, we stop drinking the poison.
We stop allowing their behavior to ruin our life.
It’s not always easy, but it is possible.
Beth realized her life was poisoned because she allowed her mother-in-law’s actions to distort the rest of her life.
It affected, not only her marriage, but her job, friendships (she constantly complained to her friends), and other family (her negative attitude pushed people away).
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During her counseling sessions, she realized she needed to stop the insanity. She was only hurting herself.
Ever hear the story of the little boy who visited the grand canyon.?
As he stood on the edge he screamed out with a loud, angry voice, “I think you are ugly!”
After a second, the echo came back and he heard, ‘I think you are ugly.”
He immediately began to cry and ran to his father. As his dad tried to comfort him the little boy said, ‘The person in the canyon said mean things to me.’
His father told him, ‘Son, that was your own voice. The echo in the canyon will only repeat back to you what you say to it.”
Life is a lot like that
When we reflect peace and joy from an inner level of being, it’s mirrored back to us.
When we judge, condemn, hate, lust, and so on, our environment shows us these qualities. The world is a mirror, for its principal function is to provide us the opportunity to learn.
As Beth talked with her counselor, she began to realize that in many ways she was getting back what she was showing to her mother-in-law.
Her attitude became combative, so her mother-in-law became more possessive.
A vicious cycle was created.
Forgiving didn’t change things overnight, but it did help Beth to change the ‘echo she was hearing’ from life.
The more negative she became, the more negative things seemed to appear.
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When she changed that internal story, things slowly began to change in her life.
Forgiveness is not the ‘cure-all’ for every problem. But it is a vital step. The more we harbor resentment, anger, and hurt, the more life echoes back to us the same.
The most important thing that happened to Beth was, she realized forgiveness wasn’t about letting her mother-in-law off the hook for her behavior. It was about setting herself free from the bondage.
Final Thoughts on Forgiving Your Spouse
Forgiving your spouse is not always easy.
Yet, forgiveness is a necessary part of life.
While some people struggle with ‘how to forgive’ most wrestle with ‘why’ they should forgive.
It’s easy to use unforgiveness as a tool to retaliate against those who hurt us. This seldom gives us satisfaction or produces the results we desire.
It often only pollutes other relationships in our life.
Summary
We’ve covered 7 reasons you should forgive your spouse (and others).
The Healthy Marriage Quiz If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.
If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.
Joseph is the Editor and Creator of The Healthy Marriage site. A graduate of Samford University in Birmingham, AL with a major in Counseling and Biblical Studies. He is a certified facilitator with Prepare & Enrich.
