Red Flags: Recognizing the First Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

Recognize the first signs of an unhealthy relationship before it’s too late. Learn what to look out for and how to take action.

Relationships are complex and each one can be unique in its own way. However, there are certain signs that may indicate an unhealthy relationship. Recognizing these signs early on is crucial for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Understanding the first signs of an unhealthy relationship can help you make necessary changes before it’s too late. In this article, we will explore the early warning signs that signify a relationship might be heading in the wrong direction.

By understanding these indicators, you will be better equipped to assess your own relationship and take the steps necessary to ensure a happy and healthy partnership.

Let’s dive in.

8 Signs Of An Unhealthy Relationship

Sometimes relationships can turn sour, even when they start out seemingly healthy.

Disclaimer: In this article we do not deal with abusive relationships (emotional abuse or physical violence). That is a separate issue that we have addressed. Our focus in this article is to identify unhealthy behavior that indicates your relationship is heading in the wrong direction.

Here are 8 signs you might notice that your relationship may be becoming unhealthy:

Red Flag #1. Mountains Out Of Mole Hills

This is a statement my mom would make when my sister and I would argue over little things.

In case you are wondering, a mole hill is a small mound of dirt made when a mole burrows near the surface of the ground.

We know what a mountain is. The dictionary definition reads: an elevated portion of the earths crust with steep sides and show significant exposed bedrock.

Wow.

Think about that.

Turning a mole hill (small mound of dirt) into a mountain (large, elevated hill with steep sides) happens when we allow the little things in marriage become big issues.

This happens when you constantly fighting over small things that escalate quickly and are never fully resolved.

Red Flag #2. Compromise Fatigue

Compromise is a part of any relationship. We compromise at work to get projects done.

We compromise with friends in order to share.

And we compromise in marriage and family to keep things happy and allow everyone to get along.

Compromise is just part of the way life works.

When we refuse to compromise at all, we end living a selfish life that is one sided.

Compromise becomes an issue when one partner feels they are doing all the giving without ever receiving. This is lopsided and results in compromise fatigue.

It is the result of feeling like you have to constantly make compromises and sacrifice your own needs to keep the relationship going.

Compromise is like oil in the engine of a relationship. Without it, the engine will cease to function and the relationship will break down. However, compromise fatigue occurs when one person feels like they are constantly giving in and never getting their needs met in the relationship.

This causes friction and wear and tear on the engine, resulting in a breakdown. To prevent this, both parties must communicate effectively and understand the importance of compromise in maintaining a healthy relationship. Remember, compromise is the oil that keeps the engine running smoothly.

Couples often find themselves arguing about trivial matters, such as leaving the toilet seat up or not putting away the dishes.

These small issues may seem insignificant, but they can have a significant impact on a marriage.

Studies have shown that couples who argue frequently are more likely to have feelings of dissatisfaction and a higher likelihood of divorce. It’s important to take these small conflicts seriously and address them before they escalate.

Communication is key, so make sure to listen to your partner’s concerns and express your own in a calm and respectful manner. By working together to resolve these disputes, you can strengthen your marriage and build a more loving and supportive relationship.

Red Flag #3. Not Feeling Valued

One of things that makes us feel bonded in a relationship is being valued and respected.

When we feel valued, we want to be around and with the person who values us.

The oppposite is also true. When someone doesn’t value us, we don’t like to be around them. This is basic human wiring.

We are attracked to the things that make us feel good about ourselves.

Strain happens in your relationship when you feel like you can’t be yourself with your partner because you don’t feel valued and appreciated by them.

Remember the illustration (above) of oil in the engine? Oil keeps things running smooth.

I hope your asking yourself ‘how do I get oil in the engine of my marriage?’ What is the oil?

Respect, Appreciation and Value is the oil that keeps the engine running.

Without these things, every relationship grinds to a stop.

Anytime I see couples who don’t invest in each other, or demonstrate a lack of respect, I know they are putting a strain on their relationship that will eventually bring them to a point of breakdown.

Red Flag #4. Control and Manipulation

Research has shown that controling and manipulative behavior can lead to low marital satisfaction, emotional distress, and spousal aggression.

A healthy marriage is when both partners work to make sure the other partner feels secure, happy, and satisfied in the relationship.

We illustrate this concept in the story of people with no elbows.

When one person attempts to control or manipulate the other, it creates a power imbalance that is unhealthy for both parties.

Attempts to control can take many forms, such as monitoring phone or social media use, demanding to know where someone is at all times, or restricting their access to friends and family. Manipulation can be subtler, such as using guilt or emotional blackmail to get what one wants, or withholding affection until certain demands are met.

In either case, the result is the same – a toxic relationship that is doomed to fail. It’s important to recognize early warning signs of controlling or destructive behavior and address them head-on.

Ultimately, a healthy marriage is built on mutual respect and trust, and anything else will only lead to heartache and pain.

Red Flag #5. Constant Power Struggles

This goes along with the previous point.

Power struggles happen when you feellike you’re in a struggle and your partner is always trying to one-up you or have the upper hand.

This can have serious consequences and create lasting damage. Here are five ways that power struggles harm marriages:

1. Communication Breakdown

Power struggles can cause a breakdown in communication as both partners become focused on winning the argument rather than listening to each other.

2. Distrust

When power struggles become common in a relationship, partners can begin to doubt each other’s intentions and trust can be eroded.

3. Resentment

Over time, power struggles can lead to feelings of resentment towards each other, making it difficult to move forward as a team.

4. Increased Conflict

When power struggles become a regular occurrence, it can lead to an increase in conflict overall, making it harder to resolve issues and find common ground.

By avoiding power struggles and instead focusing on open communication and mutual respect, couples can build stronger, healthier relationships that can survive the challenges of life.

Red Flag #6. Lack Of Intimacy

Physical intimacy is a vital part of bonding and connecting with your spouse.

In its purest form, intimacy is feeling close, connected, and bonded to our spouse. In one sense, intimacy is like glue. It’s the substance that makes us feel attached to one another.

When this is missing, it’s a sign the relationship is not healthy.

When couples stop holding hands, kissing, or cuddling, it could indicate something has happened that has broken the bond between you.

I realize each couple has their own ‘dance.’ They relate to each other in their own unique way.

Plus, each individual has their own love language.

This means needs are expressed and met in different ways.

That said, intimacy is the WAY we express those needs and meet those needs with our spouse.

Intimacy is not one of the love languages. It is HOW love languages should be expressed.

In other words, every couple should experience and express intimacy.

Without it, your relationship becomes a roommate situation, instead of marriage.

Suggested: 7 Tips To Solve Intimacy Issues

Red Flag #7. Criticism and Complaints

Criticism and complaining are like termites in a marriage. They eat away at the foundation, weakening it until it crumbles. And just like termites, these destructive behaviors are often hidden from plain sight.

At first, it might seem harmless to nitpick at your partner or vent your frustrations. But over time, these small criticisms and complaints can build up and erode the trust and respect in your relationship. Your partner may start to feel constantly judged and criticized, or they may withdraw and become defensive.

The problem with criticism and complaining is that they focus on what’s wrong instead of what’s right. They magnify the negative and overshadow the positive. And when that’s all you see, it’s easy to lose sight of why you fell in love in the first place.

It’s important to remember that every relationship has its ups and downs. No one is perfect and no marriage is without its flaws. But if you want to build a strong and healthy marriage, you need to focus on the good and work through the bad together.

Instead of criticizing or complaining, try to communicate your needs and concerns in a constructive way. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements, and focus on the behavior or situation rather than attacking your partner’s character. And always be willing to listen and compromise.

Remember, a strong marriage is built on a foundation of trust, respect, and love. So don’t let the termites of criticism and complaining eat away at your relationship. Take action now to strengthen your foundation and build a marriage that will stand the test of time.

Red Flag #8. Broken Trust

This is the biggest indicator of a marriage moving in the wrong direction.

If marriage is like a house, in order to build it so it will withstand future storms, it has to be built on a strong foundation.

If you polled the majority of couples, they would say the foundation is love. In fact, many marriage therapist agree.

While love is certainly important, we believe trust is the proper foundation.

In fact, you can’t love fully unless you trust explicitly. The level of love your experience in your marriage is in proportion to the amount of trust you’ve created in the relationship.

Think about it. Can you fully give yourself to someone if you do not trust them? Of course not.

You can care about them. Care for them. But love is created by trust.

What do we mean by trust?

We’ve discussed this many times before, but trust is not merely your belief about marriage fidelity.

In other words, I’m not talking about trusting your spouse will be faithful. That is one level of trust.

But the type of trust that creates a strong foundation is the belief your spouse will always act in your best interest. They will never do anything (intentionally) to hurt your or cause you to suffer to make them better.

One way to put it is emotional safety. You feel secure and emotionally safe in your relationship.

When you feel this way, you can love freely and fully.

When this trust is broken, it severes the bond and emotional connection you feel with your spouse.

This is why it is one of the major indicators of a healthy marriage.

It’s one of the first things we assess when we work with couples. Because it is the leading indicator of where the marriaeg is heading.

Suggested: 5 Things To Do When Trust Is Broken

It’s Time To Evalute Your Relationship

We’ve used a couple of analogies in this article to discuss the unhealthy signs of a bad relationship.

We talked about how little things (if they are not dealt with) become termites to erode the foundation of your relationship.

We saw how respect, appreciation, and valuing your spouse is the oil that keeps it running smooth.

Now it’s time to evaluate your marriage. Are any of these indicators present in your marriage?

Remember, one indicator may not be a problem. But if your relationship is characterized by more than one of these warning signs, it’s time to be proactive and get help.

Below, we list several resources to help you identify and correct the issues that are damaging your relationship and move you toward healthy behaviors.

Where To Find Help