Financial Stress Is Killing My Marriage. What Can I Do?

Financial stress can have a negative impact on your marriage. When tension builds over money issues, many couples become angry, bitter, and frustrated. What can you do when you feel like financial stress is killing my marriage?

In this article, we offer three things to consider.

The first part explains why financial worries cause problems. The second section offers practical solutions to get your relationship back on track and your money in order.

The final section offers five big benefits of tackling your money problems.

Why Financial Worries Causes Problems

A recent study shows that the number one marriage stressor with young couples is money.

1) Financial sStress is Different than Other Marriage Problems

Financial stress is not like other marriage problems. Money is often a source of disagreement between spouses because it touches on issues that evoke strong emotions: security, freedom, and power.

Money problems are not just about not having enough money. It’s about having too much debt, paying a high interest rate, or not being able to meet your expenses. Unfortunately, this affects marriage negatively.

One of the things that makes financial stress frustrating is it can be avoided. It’s a problem that is self-inflicted. Whether one partner is the reason, or both. Because it CAN be avoided, but isn’t, it heightens the conflict and exasperation.

Many marriage issues come as part of the reality of life.

• We have differing opinions, so we disagree.
• We have desires that conflict with our spouse, so we have to negotiate.
• We see the world a little differently because of our past experiences and childhood, so we have to learn to empathize with each other.

These are normal ‘problems’ couples face. They are unavoidable by the fact that they arise because we are different. It doesn’t mean one partner is good and the other bad. It simply indicates we are different.

Money issues, however, arise because of negligence. A spouse doesn’t plan for retirement, keep a budget, use credit wisely, or invest wisely. So the money runs out before the bills are paid.

Or the credit card balances go unpaid and debt gets deeper. This interferes with future plans, which mount up stress.

It’s usually not about not getting enough money. It’s about getting enough money to pay the bills.

This is why money problems are often unique and different from basic communication issues in marriage. The stress runs high because the pain goes deep.

2) Financial Stress Strains Future Plans

Every couple has dreams and plans for the future. Retirement dreams. Plans for buying a new home. These are just two of the big dreams most couples desire.

Yet, financial stress is putting undue pressure on households and making it harder for couples to reach those goals. Money is the leading source of stress in their marriage.

For example:

In older adults, financial stress impacts health and feelings of loneliness.

1 in 3 (34%) millennials say their financial stress has affected their ability to save for the future. The financial issues of millennials are having an impact on their ability to plan for their retirement. 34% are behind on saving for the future. (CNBS News)

1 in 2 (55%) millennials and Gen Zers say they will not be able to buy a house because of their financial situation. And 1 in 5 millennials say their financial stress has affected their ability to have basic savings for the future. (MPA Magazine)

3) Money Problems Disrupts the Feeling of Security and Safety

There are many components of a great marriage. Most couples think love is the only factor. Sure, love is a crucial part, but other factors are equally important.

One factor that is often overlooked (until something forces it into view) is security.

I read this quote some time back (apologies to the author):

Love is an effect that comes from attachment and security…That’s why it’s extremely important to have a sense of security and safety in a relationship. (unknown)

Feeling secure in your marriage is directly linked to your sense of financial security and safety in the relationship. That’s why feeling secure in your marriage is closely tied to feeling financially secure and safe in the relationship.

If you can’t pay your bills, you can’t feel safe and secure in your marriage. That impacts your overall relationship.

In other words, financial security is closely connected to the overall sense of safety, security, and love you feel in your marriage. When this is a challenge, your relationship may be in danger of collapsing from within.

It weakens your bond with your partner and causes serious strain in the relationship:

• Love feels conditional
• Arguments are more frequent
• You withdraw from your partner
• You stop confiding in them
• Trust issues emerge more often
• Physical intimacy is less;
• Time together is strained
• Shared experienced become fewer

This has a negative impact and disrupts the general sense of security and well-being in your relationship.

4) Financial Worries Often Breed Distrust and Secrets

One thing I’ve noticed in couples who have serious financial problems. There is a twin problem that always accompanies those money issues. That twin is ‘secrecy.’ This is one of the signs of an unhealthy relationship.

In most (I can’t think of an exception) cases, money problems are further exploited by deceit, secrets, and distrust. Without question, the lack of transparency exacerbates and complicates the problem by forcing spouses to figure things out on their own.

Many couples just give up trying because they fear the truth may shatter the relationship beyond repair.

In other words, the couple cannot function well together because they are scared to tell the truth about their financial situations. So they avoid the issue and hope the problem will resolve itself on its own without confrontation or disclosure. 

Dishonesty, silence, and secrecy will erode the fabric of your marriage.When financial problems grow, these qualities tend to increase, which leads to greater relationship problems.

5) Money Trouble Makes Us Feel Unprepared and Unsuccessful

Imagine going on a month-long trip across the United States. Think about all the details and plans that have to be made. Which direction will you drive? Where will you stay each night? How much money will I need for food, hotel, and fuel (just to name a few)?

If you set off on that journey without consideration of any of that it would leave you feeling unprepared. It would be scary to just start driving not knowing if you had enough money, fuel, or resources to finish the trip.

That’s stressful.

When money problems come up in marriage (especially the ones that derail your future plans) it is just as stressful. You don’t feel prepared for the future. There are too many unanswered questions. Too many decisions that have to be made, but you aren’t prepared to make them.

That too, is stressful.

Yet this is the condition of many couples. They are insecure about their future because of financial burdens, so they feel unsuccessful and unprepared for the future.

Understanding your partner’s money personality can help you navigate the murky waters of financial problems.

Practical Solutions to Get Your Relationship Back On Track Without Arguing Over Money

Here are 5 things you can do to better control your money and get your finances in order.

1. Create a budget

This is the simplest, yet most lucrative thing you can do to manage your money. Unfortunately, most couples do not use a monthly budget. According to Credit Donkey, only 32% of households operate on a budget.

No wonder families are struggling. It is estimated that less than 11% of families put money into savings. This means no rainy day fund, emergency resources, or extra money left over.

Lending Club reports 3 out of 5 couples live paycheck to paycheck in 2022. This is up 5% since 2021. Here is their breakdown:

• Households earning less than $100,000 a year – 45% live week to week
• Households earning over $100,00 a year – 62% live week to week

Living on a budget doesn’t solve all financial problems. But it is the foundation to build your game plan on. Without a budget, you will not know the key factors that determine your financial success or failure.

1. How much money comes in each month?
2. How much do we spend each month?
3. Where is that money going?

Those three ingredients comprise the basis of a healthy financial plan. Plus, it keeps you from arguing over money when a budget is set.

We have more information on how to manage finances along with worksheets here.

2. Automate savings

When something is automated, it takes the effort out of it.

For example,

Two things you can automate that will take pressure off your life.

1) Automate paying bills.

This ensures you pay them on time. This keeps your credit score high.

2) Automate saving money.

When you establish your budget, make sure you include saving money. Then automate it. If you work for an employer, have them set aside money each pay period. Or consider having your bank do it. Some banks offer this service.

The key is to make it automatic so you don’t have to decide each time. It’s easy to let it slide for one week. Which turns into two weeks. Then three. Pretty soon, you’ve lost the habit.

Automation works because it keeps you from having to make the decision each week.

3. Cut back on unnecessary spending

This is where hard decisions have to be made. If you are serious about eliminating financial conflict in your marriage, it is something that has to be done.

2020 was a tough year for us financially. My insurance company was hit hard that year. So we had to make some difficult decisions. We looked at our finances and cut out things that didn’t help us reach our goals. For us, this meant things like:

Subscriptions. This included looking hard at things like Netflix, Amazon Prime, etc.

Dining out. This was a big one we cut.

Coupon shopping. My wife is not a ‘coupon girl’ but we learned to save money by buying deals.

Vacation. Prior to 2020, we were able to take a vacation every quarter. We put the brakes on most travel until we could recover from our set-back.

Eliminate Starbucks. It doesn’t have to be Starbucks. I mention this specifically because I love coffee. It is whatever your guilty pleasure is. While I was never a coffee shop fanatic, I did go to local shops to write on occasion. I changed my habit to avoid unnecessary spending.

There are many other things I could list but I think you get the point.

Most of the time financial stress doesn't come from a lack of income; it comes from poor spending habits. Get a grip of this, and you will minimize conflict in your relationship. Click To Tweet

Most of the time financial stress doesn’t come from a lack of income; it comes from poor spending habits. Get a grip of this, and you will minimize conflict in your relationship.

You may also want to read: 10 Low Budget Bonding Activities For Couples

4. Pay off debt

I’m certainly no expert on HOW to eliminate debt (other than getting brutal with it and attacking it like a monster).

There are many paths that are valid.

Debt Snowball

In the debt snowball method, smallest debts are paid off first before moving on to bigger ones. In other words, conquer the little problems before moving to the bigger ones.

Debt Consolidation

This is where you consolidate all debt into one loan. It’s controversial, but many use it to their advantage. The key is to stop frivolous spending and throw everything at the debt.

Debt Avalanche Method

As part of the debt avalanche method, you make minimum payments on all your outstanding debts and then use any remaining funds to pay off the highest-interest bill.

For more information on these methods, read this article from Investopedia.

My advice: Pick one and stick with it. Just get it done.

5. Make investments

Not only should you put money into savings, you should invest money so it will grow.

I realize this step only happens once you get your financial house in order and are moving in the right direction. Pay bills first, then move on to higher principles.

There are many ways you can invest. Once you are to a point where it makes sense, talk to a CPA, or financial advisor about how you can make your money work for you.

The key is to create a plan to make money work. Money isn't just for spending. Successful people use their money to increase and grow more. Click To Tweet

Your current plan may not be ideal, but it’s a good starting point to begin growing your money for future needs like retirement or college funds for your kids.

The key is to create a plan to make money work. Money isn’t just for spending. Successful people use their money to increase and grow more.

 You may also want to read: 9 Ways To Finally Beat Money Issues

5 Ways Controlling Your Money Makes You Feel Free

The benefits of getting control of your finances are rewarding. Here are 5 ways controlling your money makes you feel free.

1. Financial freedom

Having control of your finances will give you the freedom to make decisions without worrying about money.

You’ll no longer be a slave to money because you’ll have a plan and know where you are headed financially with every dollar you spend.

No more living month to month wondering what will happen next month because you already know what is coming and how you are going to spend it each month!

No more stressing about if you will have enough to cover your bills! This alone will change your life! It is such a good feeling knowing you are in control of your finances!

2. Increased security

Knowing that you have enough money to cover bills and expenses will help you feel secure and safe.

I’ve always found it interesting that when we feel financially secure, it bleeds into other areas of life.

For example, feeling financially secure makes us feel better about our marriage, physical health, and self-esteem!

My theory is stress erodes confidence in these areas. So financial strain leaves us feeling depressed, unsuccessful, and fearful. Not quite the combination for a positive self image.

Getting control of your money is an often overlooked tool for feeling better about yourself and your marriage.

3. Stress relief

This goes along with the previous point. Not having to worry about financial stressors can help reduce anxiety and improve mental health.

Think about it: when you have to focus on how to pay the bills, it can wreak havoc on your mental health and make you sick. The constant stress about money can wear on us physically as well!

Have you ever noticed how some people appear angry all the time? Maybe they have personal reasons to be upset, but often they are reacting to the stress of worry.

A University of Florida study found that debt and financial problems decreased marriage satisfaction.

Taking on credit card debt was linked to lower marriage satisfaction. Meanwhile, paying off debt was linked to increased satisfaction. And when new couples took on debt, they tended to fight more, spend less time with each other, and perceive unfairness in how money was handled in their marriage.

Managing your money is literally managing your marriage.

Getting control of your money is an often overlooked tool for feeling better about yourself and your marriage. Click To Tweet

4. Improved relationships

Money issues are one of the leading causes of arguments between couples, so getting control of your finances can help strengthen relationships with loved ones.

By working on your financial goals together, you are helping each other grow and learn together! You can help each other through hard times and encourage each other when you make progress!

Putting plans in place to help you meet your goals can strengthen your relationship in ways you never imagined!

5. More options for the future

This is (in my opinion) one of the biggest advantages of managing your money: you have more opportunities in the future.

When you’re in control of your finances, you’ll have more opportunities for saving and investing, which can lead to greater possibilities down the road such as buying a home or starting a business.

I remember a time when a business opportunity was presented to me; it had potential for steady financial gains with limited risk. The problem was, I didn’t have the capital to invest in the opportunity, so I had to pass.

From that time on, I’ve tried to keep myself in a position that if (and when) opportunity arises, I can take advantage of it.

This can only happen when you have your financial house in order.

Financial stress is a marriage killer. These tips and principles can help you work on managing your money and working together with your partner to relieve stress and improve communication!

Where To Find Help

Here is a list of financial resources and tools you can use to get back on track, and stay on track with your money.

Repairing Credit

Credit Repair Magic will fix your credit fast using simple, practical methods that have worked for thousands. Plus get extra bonuses when you sign up.

Credit Repair Letters are written by attorneys to help you know what and how to communicate with Credit Card companies.

Debt Elimination

The Debt Relief Manual offers practical advice on everything you need to know on HOW to eliminate credit card debt without getting trapped.

Dissolve Debt will help you reduce and eliminate tax or government debt.

Changing Your Money Mindset

For those who want to change their money mindset and learn how to manage and use money effectively, we recommend Robert Kiyosaki’s Rich Dad Summit. It is costly, but once you are able to invest in your future self, this program is worth the money.

Our Courses and Quizzes

We have courses available that will help you grow your marriage and create a healthy relationship. Visit our Academy Library here.

You can also take our Marriage Quiz to get your marriage score and find practical ways to increase communication, intimacy and trust in your relationship.