Emotional Support In A Relationship

Emotional support in a relationship means giving your partner what they need, when they need it. Here’s how you do it in healthy ways.

The Story of Bill Haven’s

Steve Goodier tells the story of Bill Havens. Bill was an Olympic hopeful in the 1924 games in Paris, France. He was the top contender in the sport of canoe racing.

As the games approached Bill’s wife started having labor pains as she plan to give birth to their first child.

Bill knew that if he competed in the Olympic games, he would more than likely miss the birth of his first child. The only transportation available at that time was by ocean.

Although he had dreamed about the Olympics all his life, he made the decision to withdraw from competition. He wanted to be there when his first child was born, and to support his wife.

The United States canoe team won the gold medal that year. Without Bill Havens on the team. He had missed his opportunity for a gold medal.

There are two interesting facts about this story.

First, Bill Havens said he had no regrets for the decision he made. He valued his family and supporting his wife more than any gold medal.

Second, there was an interesting turn of events related to the story.

Bill’s wife gave birth to a baby boy they named Frank. In 1952, 28 years later, Frank won Olympic gold medal in canoe racing for the United States.

Bill had missed his opportunity for a gold medal, but his son had claimed the gold.

People often commented to Bill it was a shame he didn’t compete. His response was always, ‘I have no regrets.’ He valued family first.

His desire to support his wife meant he was present with her for the birth of their son. 

This is the biggest quality of emotional support – simply being there for each other.

What Is Emotional Support?

There are many different forms of emotional support that can be beneficial for people who are experiencing stress or other negative emotions. Social support, self-care, and simply providing a listening ear are all examples of emotional support that can help reduce stress or improve someone’s emotional state. 

Emotional support can be provided by family, friends, therapist, or any other support system. It is important to find an emotional support system that works for you and that you feel comfortable with. Emotional support can be a vital part of coping with stress and other negative emotions.

Let’s Define Emotional Support

Emotional support is when someone provides comfort, encouragement, or reassurance to another person who is going through a difficult situation. This can be done through words of encouragement, physical touch, or simply being present with the other person.

It is an important part of marriage because it helps couples cope with difficult times and strengthens their relationship. It can also help prevent problems from getting worse and help couples resolve conflict.

Why is it important?

Couples who provide emotional support to one another are happier and more satisfied in their life because they feel like they are a team and they can rely on each other.

Studies show that couples who provide emotional support to one another experience less stress, and are more likely to report satisfaction in their relationship. They also feel more supported by their partner, and feel like they can rely on them.

Couples who provide emotional support to one another are happier and more satisfied in their life because they feel like they are a team and they can rely on each other. Click To Tweet

In a report ‘Emotion Skills and Marital Health’ SHILAGH A. MIRCAIN and JAMES V. CORDOVA reported:

Partners who are more empathically sensitive are happier with their relationships and partners who are better able to identify and communicate their emotions report greater marital health, and that association appears to be mediated by felt intimacy.

(Noller & Ruzzene, 1991 | Cordova et al., 2005)

In other words, couples who are emotionally supportive feel more connected and communicate better.

Signs You Feel Emotional Distance

It’s not unusual for couples to feel like they’re growing apart as they move further into marriage. It should not be this way, but often it is. If you’re feeling emotionally distance from your spouse, there are some signs to look out for.

1) You Live Single But Married

I’m sure you’ve heard the statement. I have. Dozens of time. 

It refers to couples who live separate lives even though they share the same house and bed. 

There is no real intimacy or connection.

There is give and take in every relationship; when this doesn’t happen it can leave you feeling like you are merely roommates instead of partners.

2) You Feel Lonely and Alone

Another sign of emotional distance it’s feeling lonely or alone. I think it’s important to note the difference in those two words.

Some have put it like this, alone is physical. Lonely is emotional. 

Well this is helpful, I think it misses a bigger point. Loneliness is certainly emotional in nature. I also believe we can feel alone even in the presence of another person.

I see them as levels of the same experience.

We feel lonely when we miss someone’s presence. I defined it is as something being out of order. We feel out of sync with our partner. So we feel lonely.

Feeling alone is deeper. He carries a sense of total disconnect. It leaves us feeling totally cut off from our partner. while loneliness feels like being out of sync, alone feels totally disconnected.

In many ways it’s deeper and more profound.

Both leave you feeling emotionally distant from your spouse.

3) You Are Tempted 

Emotional distance can put you in a place of vulnerability. We all crave companionship and connection. Often when that is missing in a marriage call Mom people seek to find that connection elsewhere.

This is certainly not the case with every person who lacks support in their marriage. But it is something to be aware of.

When we feel disconnected, there is a natural tendency (inclination) to connect. This can present problems if that desire is not channeled in the right direction.

Statistics show most affairs are not driven by raw lust. They are the result of a growing disconnect in their marriage.

When we feel disconnected, there is a natural tendency (inclination) to connect. This can present problems if that desire is not channeled in the right direction. Click To Tweet

Two things you should understand:

1. This does not give any person a license to cheat or be unfaithful in their relationship.

I agree with Bob Huizenga (a marriage therapist) who said:

The majority of counselors, when infidelity is discovered, basically convey, “Let’s take a look at the marriage and see if we can fix the problems there…and then infidelity will take care of itself.”

Infidelity is a character issue with the offender. In other words, if you choose to be unfaithful because you are lonely, you are trying to fulfill a need in an illegitimate way. It comes with consequences.

2. This is not meant to blame the other spouse for your bad behavior.

This goes along with the previous point. Blaming someone else for your bad behavior and choices is irresponsible. 

There are better ways to deal with emotional distance than infidelity. You could try:

• Counseling
• Marriage Programs
• Support Groups

The more you understand the reasons behind emotional distance, the better equipped you are to combat it.

4) Little Or No Physical Affection or Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is important in marriage. The absence of physical touch can be a sign of lack of emotional connection. 

Let’s be honest, we physically touch (connect) with what we emotionally love and appreciate.

When there is little or no physical connection in the marriage, there will be growing disconnect in other areas.

5) Lack of Empathy

Not only is there very little physical intimacy when you feel emotional distance, there is very little empathy..

Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes; to think about issues from their perspective. 

When our partner gives us empathy (not mere sympathy – there is a difference), we feel understood, accepted, and appreciated by our spouse.

When this is lacking, it creates a void.

When our partner gives us empathy (not mere sympathy – there is a difference), we feel understood, accepted, and appreciated by our spouse. Click To Tweet

A normal, healthy marriage is one where bridges are constantly being built that help the couple connect. Even when there is stress, chaos, or hard times, both parties seek ways to stay connected.

The opposite of that happens in an unhealthy relationship.

Barriers are constructed instead of bridges.

Also Read: How To Deal With Lack Of Empathy In Marriage

 6) Very Little Verbal Communication

Couples who are connected, communicate. A lack of communication isn’t always a signal things are moving in the wrong direction, but it is something you should pay attention to.

Many partners are the ‘quiet’ type. That is a personality trait. Not a character flaw. And it certainly doesn’t mean your spouse doesn’t care.

There is a difference, however, in someone who is quiet and someone who is closed.

If your partner is closed emotionally, they will not talk as much. Especially about topics that are more emotional and intimate in nature.

What Are The Signs Of An Emotionally Supportive Relationship?

Now that we understand the characteristics of an emotionally distance marriage, let’s look at 5 signs of an emotionally supportive relationship.

 These are not the only indicators, but they are my top 5.

1) Emotional Support Deepens Your Partnership

Couples that are emotionally supportive see each other as allies on the same team working toward the same goals. They do not have a me-against-you mentality. They view the relationship as a partnership. 

This produces a positive cycle of support, connection, and satisfaction in the relationship. The more we support each other, the deeper our connection grows, and the more satisfied and happy we are in the relationship. 

2) Emotional Support Fosters Solutions Instead Of Problems

When we work as partners, we focus on finding solutions to problems instead of complaining about them.

Couples who feel disconnected rarely see opportunities in their relationship. Instead, they tend to focus on what is wrong. They miss opportunities to connect and solve problems.

Couples that are emotionally supportive see each other as allies on the same team working toward the same goals. They do not have a me-against-you mentality. They view the relationship as a partnership.  Click To Tweet

Healthy marriages do the opposite. They see the good. They focus on the positive. They work to resolve issues instead of inflaming problems.

It’s not that they do not have problems; they simply approach them differently. They build bridges (see above) instead of walls.

3) Emotional Support Creates Open And Honest Communication

When we are supportive, we create a family culture to openly communicate with each other about thoughts and feelings, connect on a deeper level, and rely on each other for support.

The end result is we feel comfortable being ourselves around each other, and enjoying each other’s company.

Each person feels comfortable communicating openly and honestly with the other.

4) Emotional Support Builds Mutual Respect

We value and respect those who help us accomplish our dreams and goals. It’s a law of life.

Zig Ziglar famously said:

You can have anything you want in life if you help other people get what they want in life.

This is one of the basic principles of a happy marriage. 

But it can’t be done out of manipulation. This is not a ‘grease the wheel’ to get what I want. It is a genuine desire to support our spouse.

When this happens, respect follows.

Respect doesn’t come because you demand it. It doesn’t happen because you think you deserve it. It happens because you invest in your spouse. Click To Tweet

Respect doesn’t come because you demand it. It doesn’t happen because you think you deserve it. It happens because you invest in your spouse.

5) Emotional Support Produces Empathy And Appreciation

I mentioned lack of empathy is a sign of being emotionally disconnected. The opposite is also true. When you are supportive, empathy and appreciation increase.

When someone is feeling emotional distress, they may feel isolated and alone. talking to them and providing emotional support can help to create a feeling of empathy and connection. This can help the person to feel understood and supported, and can also help to build trust and intimacy.

Top 4 Times Your Spouse Needs Your Support (Encouragement)

Emotional support is something we all need at all times. Yet there are certain events and times when this need is at a heightened level.

In this section will look at 4 times your spouse needs your support and encouragement.

1) In Times of Bereavement and Loss

If you’ve ever experienced the loss of a loved one oh, you understand how isolating it can be. It’s easy to feel disconnected when we’re trying to process pain.

We need more support during these times to help us navigate our emotions.

My mom is currently in her mid 80s at the time I write this. Over the last year she has been in and out of hospitals, rehab, and nursing facilities because of health issues. It’s been painful to watch.

It has also been difficult on my dad who is in his 90s.

Watching my parents deal with these health issues has not been easy. I have leaned on the support of my wife as she allows me to work through and talk about what I’m experiencing. This is the essence of partnership. I have not had to walk through this alone because of her emotional support.

When things are at their worst and we experience top things in life, we need emotional support from our spouse more than ever.

Also Read: Marriage Transitions Series: Parents Dealing With The Loss of a Child

2) When Things In Life Change

Change is inevitable. We know this. Get change often Catches Us off guard.

 Last year one of my dear friends lost his job. could not have come at a worse time.

I witnessed how he and his wife navigated this difficult time. He decided, with her support, to launch a brand new career in an entirely different field. This required her to carry more of the financial burden than before.

Yet they work together as a team during this transition. Today, he operates a successful business coaching program. His business is flourishing. Partly because during that difficult life-changing event they made the decision to work together instead of against each other.

Neither one of them had any control of his job loss. But she offered incredible emotional support that helped him launch his new career.

We can’t control many events in life. But we can control our response, and choose to support one another.

3) Dreams and Desires

We all have dreams, desires, and goals we want to accomplish. 

Marriage should be the incubator for those dreams to grow and come to pass.

One of the greatest things we can do for our spouse is to find out what they dream about, and help them work to fulfill that dream.

I published my first (traditionally published) book in 2016. It was one of my life dreams.

When I discovered Michelle desired to write and publish a book, I made it my goal to help her. 

One of the greatest things we can do for our spouse is to find out what they dream about, and help them work to fulfill that dream. Click To Tweet

Our partnership in helping each other fulfill those desires creates a strong bond.

4) Daily Life

Life happens. And it happens on a daily basis. 

We often think emotional support is needed when things go wrong. Or when big events happen that challenge us. In truth, we need encouragement and support in our daily life.

It helps us know we are valued. Daily support affirms we are not alone. It provides a sense of connection and acceptance.

When we offer this type of support to our spouse, we create a relationship that is satisfying and fulfilling.

How To Be Emotionally Supportive

While there are practical steps you can take toconnect and offer encouragement to each other, emotional support is a heart issue.

The very term implies that we relate on a deeper level than mere surface expressions of care and concern. We have an authentic love for our spouse and what they are experiencing.

Most research shows people care more about your concern for them than they do your solutions for them.

They are more interested in your concern than your answer to their problem.

The two most important things we can do to offer emotional support is:

1. Ask 

Because men and women think differently and process emotions differently, we both need help understanding each other. 

The best way to bridge that gap is to simply ask. 

There is nothing wrong with asking questions to discover how you can help.

• Tell me what you are experiencing right now
• How does that make you feel?
• What can I do to help you process this?
• Is there anything specific you need from me?

When asked in sincerity, those questions can open a conversation that allows you both to enter a healing stage.

2. Listen

It should go without saying (but I will mention it anyway), once you ask a question, take time to listen.

The power is not in the questions (although they are important); the power is in gaining understanding about your spouses needs and desires.

Listening keeps us from offering solutions to problems that do not exist. 

Men, especially, tend to automatically think in terms of solving the problem. This is often counterproductive because we either misinterpret the real problem (it’s not usually what we think it is), or we offer a ‘fix’ before our spouse has had time to process the pain.

Listening allows us to practice empathy. Putting ourselves in their shoes. Entering their world and sharing their pain with them.

This is the foundation of connection. This is sharing life on an intimate level.

Also Read: 14 Tips On How To Listen To Your Spouse

Two other important factors:

3. Time Together

The more time we spend together the more opportunity we have to connect. Quality time together is important. But do not underestimate the value of spending quantity (amount) of time together.

Let’s be honest, it takes time to get to know one another. The more we know of each other the more opportunity we have to connect.

4. Affirming Words

The s factor is one we often overlook. How we communicate and what we say to our spouse either builds up or tears down our relationship.

 I’m amazed at the number of married couples who spend the majority of their time communicating with criticism. This makes marriage healthy.

Support doesn’t come through criticism and judging. It comes by affirming our spouses value and worth.

Final Thoughts On Emotional Support in Marriage

It is often said that marriage is not just about love, but also about partnership and companionship.

Emotional support is one of the key factors that keep marriages strong and happy. When one spouse is going through a tough time, the other spouse is usually there to provide support, whether it is a shoulder to cry on, or just a listening ear. This emotional support is vital to the health of a marriage, and can make the difference between a happy, lasting marriage, and a marriage that ends in divorce.

In this article, we discussed the signs of emotional support in marriage, as well as, 6 signs of emotional distance in a relationship. We concluded with two basic ingredients that create support.

Summary

• What Is Emotional Support?
  • Let’s Define Emotional Support
  • Why is it important?
• Signs You Feel Emotional Distance
  • 1) You Live Single But Married
  • 2) You Feel Lonely and Alone
  • 3) You Are Tempted 
  • 4) Little Or No Physical Affection or Physical Intimacy
  • 5) Lack of Empathy
  •  6) Very Little Verbal Communication
• What Are The Signs Of An Emotionally Supportive Relationship?
  • 1) Emotional Support Deepens Your Partnership
  • 2) Emotional Support Fosters Solutions Instead Of Problems
  • 3) Emotional Support Creates Open And Honest Communication
  • 4) Emotional Support Builds Mutual Respect
  • 5) Emotional Support Produces Empathy And Appreciation
• Top 4 Times Your Spouse Needs Your Support (Encouragement)
  • 1) In Times of Bereavement and Loss
  • 2) When Things In Life Change
  • 4) Daily Life
• How To Be Emotionally Supportive
  • 1. Ask 
  • 2. Listen

What’s Next?