My wife and I were married in June 2011. We both came from previous marriages. Both had two children each from those marriages. Although our children were mostly grown (my son and her daughter were about to finish high school; the other two were already married), merging households has challenges.
Holiday plans, vacations, birthday parties, church life, and simply learning how to co-exist was new territory for us.
Holiday planning was especially challenging for us. As grand-children were added to the mix, new problems developed.
I remember our disappointment one Christmas feeling we were just another stop on the holiday train our kids had to make. I felt bad for them. It’s never easy to make decisions about what amount of time to spend with every parent.
Michelle and I also felt pain. We wanted time with them – children and grandchildren. Love is often spelled T.I.M.E. We didn’t get much that year. It was no ones fault; just the stinky part of life.
It forced us to get creative. We knew if were going to make it work, we had to relearn how to do life as a blended family.
Just doing the math on our blended family dynamic is mind-blowing.
In our combined children (along with their spouses and parents), there are now 18 people in parent roles (due to remarriage). Click here to see a flowchart of our blended family dynamic.
If you add grandparents (our children’s grandparents) it adds 38 more to the list (assuming they are still alive). That is potentially 56 people in our blended circle. I feel like I need a calculus degree just to add it all up. I’m sure they felt pulled in a hundred directions. Each parent and grandparent wanting a piece of the pie. I’m not about to try and calculate cousins, aunts and uncles into the mix. Makes my head hurt.
It doesn’t matter how much you love each other, or how much you love your children and they love you, living in a blended family has unique problems, challenges and opportunities.
I’m thankful to say our children always tried to make it easy. Though we were disappointed, we never took things personal. Neither did they.
As much as everyone tried to work together, Michelle and I knew we had to reorder our life to manage the demands (and desires) we had for our family.
There are incredible resources available to help couples create the right atmosphere for their new family. It would be impossible to list all the tools, resources and books we discovered.
A quick Google or Amazon search will give you an adequate list.
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Our goal, however, is to give you a few books you might have overlooked. These are not in order of our recommendation. They are randomly placed. We just want to give enough information so you can pick the one(s) that address your biggest needs.
Let’s get started:
#1 Stepparent to Stepparent: Answers to Fifty Common Questions Stepparents Ask
This book offers the freeing answers to some of the most common questions stepparents ask. Speaking from over sixteen years of experience in a blended family, and supported by a biblical perspective, Margaret Broersma confronts the many challenges and gives hope to stepparents who may feel alone in their struggle to blend.
Author:
Margaret Broersma.
Synopsis:
This book contains 15 chapters of practical, biblical wisdom on doing life blended.
From how to approach holidays, dealing with ex’s, to resolving conflicts and discipling as a step-parent; this is stuff every blended family needs to know and wants to know.
Why We Recommend
Margaret is a contributor to Focus on the Family and has written several devotional books for blended families.
We often hear, ‘Nobody told me how to do this!’ This book is the ‘comeback’ for that statement. It is practical advice using common sense.
What You’ll Learn
You’ll get answers to the questions you ask the most.
Leading blended family authority Ron Deal and marriage and family expert David Olson show you how to build on your relationship strengths and improve your weaknesses. Whether you’re dating, engaged, a young stepfamily, or an empty-nest couple, The Smart Stepfamily Marriage gives you the tools you need at any stage to create a remarriage that will last.
Authors
Ron Deal and David Olson. They are researchers more than writers (in my opinion); yet this is why I like this book so much. It is data driven and well researched.
Synopsis
This book has16 chapters that cover a wide range of topics related to the blended family with a focus on your marriage.
Many books deal with step-family issues; this one focuses on your marriage and the process of learning to do life together without losing your relationship.
Why We Recommend
I like the approach of Ron and David. They are data driven researchers. As a researcher myself, I appreciate the details, statistics and facts used to support their findings.
Each chapter (most anyway) offer extra tools so you can further your study related to that topic.
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Even though it is driven by research, it is not short on practical information.
For example, chapters include topics like, healthy communication, realistic expectations, being positioned properly for the changes that take place in a blended family.
Heavily researched and practically applied.
What You’ll Learn
You will get tools to help you develop in specific areas related to raising children in a blended household.
This book doesn’t just offer typical information warmed over and served. It is practical and rich with resources to help you navigate the waters of being a step-parent.
This handbook addresses the many issues stepfamilies work through, including part-time parenting, discipline, issues with former spouses, and intimidating legal battles. With clear, readable prose and helpful suggestions, it will put any stepfamily on the road to wholeness.
Author
Natalie Nichols Gillespie
Natalie is a the author of seven books and featured writer for Christian Parenting Today, HomeLife, Charisma, Christianity Today, and Focus on the Family.
Synopsis
This book has 17 chapters broken into 5 sections. The sections include key topics:
The Marriage
The Kids
The Former Spouse
The Authorities
The Support
Why We Recommend
I picked Stepfamily Success because it is one of the few books I found that dealt with legal issues related to blended families.
This section is a valuable resource for every stepfamily. Knowing this information can save you from a firestorm of problems.
In my opinion it is a must read.
What You’ll Learn
You will discover how to be a blended family that is healthy in all aspects of family life. Natalie deals with how to be a good spouse and keep your marriage strong while learning how to gel as a family.
She also has a section just about parenting stepchildren. It deals with the nitty gritty of parenting.
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In this down-to-earth book, Laura Petherbridge offers real answers from someone who’s walked in your shoes–and not only survived, but thrived as a stepmom. Here you’ll find compact solutions arranged by topic, such as parenting, coping with the children’s biological mom, finances, and dealing with the holidays.
Author
Laura Petherbridge
Laura is called ‘The Smart Stepmom.’ She is an international speaker and one of the authors at MomLife.com where she writes about life in a blended family.
This book offers 101 tips for parenting as a step-parent. They are divided into 10 categories (chapters), plus a bonus chapter with a pre-marriage stepfamily quiz I recommend every couple take before entering a blended family.
A sampling of stepfamily tips:
Accept That Stepfamilies Are Founded On Loss
Instant Motherhood: A Culture Shock
Answering ‘Mommy” Questions
Stop Attempting to Explain
Expect the Unexpected
Create New Memories
Pay What Was Promised
Clarify Your Intentions
All in all, you’ll get 101 solid tips on how to do family together.
Why We Recommend
The first chapter is worth the price. Understanding the nature of a stepfamily (that it is founded upon loss) clarifies our main job as step-parents – which is to help our children heal and recover.
Each chapter is a reminder that it is not just about us; being a stepfamily is a healting journey together. Having a roadmap like this book is invaluable.
What You’ll Learn
100 Tips is filled with common sense advice. It’s stuff we all wish we knew BEFORE hand.
I view this as a reference guide. Keep it nearby so you can look up advice when stuff happens in your family.
This revised and expanded edition has updated research and two new chapters with even more real-world advice on topics such as stepsibling relationships and later-life stepfamilies.
Author
Ron Deal & Gary Chapman
Synopsis
This is another book co-authored by Ron Deal. Ron is a researcher who presents a data driven approach to understanding and resolving the problems in a blended family.
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Gary Chapman is a popular author and speaker who knows how to clearly communicate sound spiritual principles to help men be the husbands and father they desire.
Why We Recommend
Because Ron presents researched based information that is sound and factual.
I included this one from Ron (he has several others as well) because it clearly outlines a step by step plan to make sure your blended family arrives at the right destination.
I’m usually not a fan of ‘step by step’ guides when it comes to matters of psychology – human problems can’t always be fixed with ‘x simple steps’ – but in this case, these steps are so comprehensive they serve as a GPS for your relationship.
What You’ll Learn
You will be able to define your goals and destination as a family, AND get a practical guide that will lead you through the necessary changes that need to happen.
No one likes change; the nature of stepfamily implies change. Knowing how to make those transitions in a way that is healthy, productive and actually gets you to right destination is vital.
We’ve learned a few things during our journey as a blended family. I’m proud to say we avoided a lot of problems that could have wrecked our desire for a happy family.
The opportunity to erode relationships always lurks around the corner; how you respond to situations determines your success or failure.
Some alarming facts make these tips important to understand.
In 1960, just 13% of married adults were in a second or subsequent marriage.
Today, close to 25% are (42 million adults). This is triple the 1960 rate.
Here are a few things we got right. Hope this helps you navigate your challenges.
Tip #1 Know Your Role
My wife made it clear to my children up front she would not try to be their mom. She would say things like:
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“You have a mom who loves you and cares for you. I could never take her place and I am not here to do that. I am simply a woman who loves your father with all my heart. I want to serve him and bless him. I want to be a part of your life, but only as your father’s wife. I’m not trying to be anything more than that.”
This took pressure off my children so they didn’t feel they had to pick sides.
I’m happy to say my children love my wife. They respect her and always tell her they love her. They have a strong, healthy relationship.
I contribute that to the fact she set clear expectations and positioned her role in their life as ‘the woman that loves their father.’
She removed any walls, barriers and false expectations from them. This set them free to love their mom AND have a healthy relationship with my wife.
Tip #2 Make Your Kids the Center; But Don’t Put Them In The Middle
Unfortunately, problems come up between exes at times. Even healthy marriages have challenges to work through. Marriages that end, do so because the problems could not be fixed.
Early in our marriage there was periodic conflict over my wife’s youngest daughter. She had a broken relationship with her dad which resulted in a lot of hurt.
Coming to an agreement on how to repair the relationship often brought tension. Differences of opinions, tempers, and the pain of watching their daughter struggle through heartache made it tough to navigate those waters.
They (my wife and her ex) decided, that while they did not always agree on the right course of action, they would never let their daughter be in the middle of their disagreement. They would seek to let her be the center of their choices, but not the middle of their dispute.
That statement continues to be in the ‘best advice’ category for blended families.
Tip #3 Lower Your Expectations
Normally I would not encourage people to want, expect or believe for less. I’m a positive, faith-filled man who believes we all live far beneath our potential.
In this case, however, it is best to lower what you expect from your step-children.
Most blended family issues have something to do with expectations not being met.
I’ve seen ‘stepmoms’ get upset at not being called ‘mom’ along with the biological parent. This is overstep. If needed, refer back to Tip #1.
Tip #4 Be the Unifier, not the Divider.
This is an attitude, not necessarily a physical step to take. It’s a mindset you must develop.
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For example, if issues with your spouses ex come up and the children are upset and angry, seek to be the bridge to make things better.
The last thing you want to do is weigh in on an issue that is not about you. This will only exasperate the issue. Your job is to love them and help them.
Be the solution, not the problem.
Disclaimer: You should never lower your expectations of respect. It’s okay to want and expect your stepchildren to respect you. I find that this happens naturally when we apply the tips offered in this section.
Tip #5 Never Let Things Get Too Far Out Of Hand
It’s vital to monitor the temperature of the family. Just like with physical sickness, it usually accompanies a spike in body temperature as white blood cells fight infection.
The same happens with emotional sickness in the family. When situations become sick, you can usually tell by the temperature of the household. If it’s cold, someone is offended.
If it’s hot, someone is angry.
Make sense? As parents in the blended family, we can’t always fix problems, but we can be aware of what is happening. This allows us to cut things off at the pass. Many potential problems can be avoided simply by monitoring the temperature of the family.
Tip #6 Be Patient
You’ve heard the old saying, ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day!’ It’s true. Neither is a blended family.
It takes time for trust to be built.
It takes time for the wounds of divorce to heal.
It takes time to get used to doing life differently than before.
All these changes require patience. You can’t rush the process.
I’ve seen couples foolishly try to push their children to accept the ‘new normal’ with brute force. It never works.
It’s like screaming at an apple tree demanding it produce fruit. It produces fruit in it’s own time. With patience a crop will come. No amount of yelling, coercion or manipulation will speed up the process. On the contrary, it often impedes it.
Wrapping It Up
I hope these six tips and 5 overlooked books help you discover the blessings hidden in your blended family.
Joseph is the Editor and Creator of The Healthy Marriage site. A graduate of Samford University in Birmingham, AL with a major in Counseling and Biblical Studies. He is a certified facilitator with Prepare & Enrich.
