Can Therapy Save A Marriage: Here’s What You Need To Know Before You Go

According to Dr. Lee Baucom, only 20% of couples in crisis who go to marriage therapy see improvement in their relationship. Here’s how to be one of those 20%.

With almost half of marriages ending in divorce, more couples are turning to couples therapy to find solutions and answers to their problems.

However, as mentioned above, 80% of couples who go through counseling together find their relationship is either no better, or many times worse than before.

While I am not dismissing marriage therapy all together, I do recommend something BEFORE therapy. I call this a pre-therapy step. I’ll unpack that idea later.

7 Reasons Marriage Counseling Often Fails

There are several reasons marriage therapy fails to help couples.

#1: Counselors Are Not Trained To Work With Couples Properly

According to Dr. Lee Baucom (Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Therapy), most counselors are not trained to deal with relationship issues; they are trained to help with personal issues. This keeps most therapy in the dark ages when it comes to truly helping marriages heal.

#2: Outdated Methods Are Applied To Unique Situations

This goes along with the previous point; many marriage therapist use programs and methods that are outdated.

Human psychology hasn’t changed. People are people, and they always will be people. And to a great degree, they are predictable. We behave in certain and predictable ways.

So, on that basis, solutions are the same. We all need healing in our heart and to feel love, accepted, chosen, and valued. When we feel this, we heal. When we don’t, we do not heal.

Outdated methods do not take into account new ways of helping people deal with their inner struggles. It’s not that ‘old school ways’ never work; it’s that there are better ways to help people.

Unfortunately, a lot of relationship therapist still use techniques that are ineffective in helping couples in deep crisis.

#3: Couples Wait Too Late To Get Help

The folks at Relationship Counseling Group have found many couples reach a ‘point of no return’ before they seek out professional help.

There has often been substantial damage done to the marriage by the time they decide to seek professional help. One of the major characteristics of successful marriage counseling is that issues are detected and fixed early, before the marriage is too broken.

As with any problem, the sooner it is addressed, the easier it is to repair.

If you let your vehicle run out of oil, the solution is more difficult (and costly). However, if you check your engine oil regularly, you avoid problems.

It’s the same with couples counseling.

#4: Couples Fail to Take Pre-Counseling Steps To Get On Track

We recommend pre-counseling steps before seeing a counselor.

This is not necessarily meant to replace counseling. I’ve said before, marriage therapy has its place. However, in our opinion, couples who follow our recommended path, have more success than those who ONLY use marriage therapy.

I admit, we do not have statistics to back up this claim. But the feedback we get supports this idea.

Here’s what we recommend:

Step One: Enroll in a marriage course designed to help you identify and address core marriage problems.

The course we recommend (at this writing) is the ‘Save The Marriage System’ by Dr. Lee Baucom. You can read our review of this program here.

Note: This step doesn’t have to be before you see a counselor. Many couples use this step if therapy fails to get the results they desire.

Step Two: Get individual personal counseling.

Individual counseling will help you. It’s focused on you, not your marriage. Yet, the reality is, our marriage problems are usually the result of personal issues that are unresolved.

A trained psychologist can help you work on yourself. By doing this, many of the marriage issues disappear. An in the cases where they do not disappear, you now have the tools to deal successfully with those issues.

#5: Marriage Therapy Often Turns Into A Blame Session

We often hear couples regret their attempt at counseling because (in their opinion) it turned into a spouse bashing session. It evolved into a time to blame their spouse for all their problems.

In defense of the majority of professional counselors, most counselors know how to keep this from happening. Yet, too often couples ‘feel’ like this was the only outcome.

They left disappointed and more frustrated in their marriage.

While couples therapy should be a safe place for people to unpack their emotional junk, if it turns into a blame game, it will not succeed. There is a delicate balance that must be met. We need freedom to discuss our disappointments, but this cannot become a ‘bash my spouse’ session.

#6: Couples Don’t Find The Right Counselor Fit

Couples therapy is a lot like church. Just as there are styles and traditions among various churches, there are differences of approach with counselors.

Many times couples give up on counseling because the first person they worked with didn’t help. They assume all counselors are alike, so they stop looking for someone else who could help.

If you would like to start the process of talking to a professional counselor, start here.

#7: There Is A Negative Connotation To Counseling Some Couples Experience

This should not be an issue, however, many people feel stigmatized by the fact they go to a counselor. Some couples (individuals) will not seek professional help because of this.

4 Big Benefits Of Marriage Therapy

In spite of the fact that therapy often fails, there are benefits when it works like it should.

#1: It Provides A Safe Environment To Work On Issues

Think about this. Most of the fights you have happen in your home. This is the battleground of disagreements, hurt, pain, and fighting. It is often helpful to leave this environment in order to find solutions.

After years of working with couples in crisis, April Eldemire (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) puts it this way:

Brutal honesty can cause serious pain, anger, and confrontation if it is not delivered in the right setting. This is one of the main reasons why people opt for marriage counseling; there is safety in numbers for honest discussion.

Emotional safety is the foundation for a healthy relationship. Learning how to create this climate in your relationship often means getting professional help.

#2: It Offers Objective Help

Objective help means you get a perspective that is not influenced by your situation, family, or friends.

Couples often find themselves in a trap of getting their ‘marriage help’ from Redditt and Quora. This can be detrimental to your success.

I’m not suggesting everyone on these forums is bad. Or malicious. There are many well-meaning people on these (and other) sites who want to help and support others. The problem is this information and help is buried under loads of very bad advice.

When couples are in crisis mode, I always (ALWAYS) recommend limiting social media and staying away from marriage forums. Instead, invest in a program that will help you identify and deal with core issues and improve your personal life. This is essential.

When couples are in crisis mode, I always (ALWAYS) recommend limiting social media and staying away from marriage forums. Click To Tweet

Marriage counseling can help accomplish this. A counselor can offer an objective perspective others are not capable of seeing.

For example, most people (when in crisis mode) go to a close friend for advice. That person, more times than not, will share your pain, give empathy, and tell you things you want to hear. However, most are blinded to what you need to hear. Their perspective is skewed by their love and loyalty for you.

This is why it is important to get an outside perspective. Especially from a professional.

#3: It Helps Identify Core Issues

Knowing the real issues – the core marriage problems – is vital to success. Yet, most couples only deal with surface issues. Therefore they continue to spiral downward in spite of the fact of trying so hard to make it work.

For example, read any forum and you will find ‘solutions’ to marriage problems cloaked in terms like…

• Learn better communication skills
• Spend more time together
• Talk openly about your issues
• Learn to fight fair

On and on the list goes.

It’s not that this is bad advice. It’s not. Each one of these things can help you improve your broken marriage.

However, if you do these things but fail to identify and resolve core problems, you are only putting a band aid on the problem.

Learning to ‘fight fair’ (no name calling, cursing, etc.) will not help if you fail to deal with the core issue of a deep psychological wound. If you feel neglected in your marriage, fighting fair doesn’t solve the real problem. It may keep arguments from getting out of control, but it doesn’t make you feel accepted, loved, and appreciated.

I hope you get the point.

There are surface issues and core issues. We usually live (fight over, argue about, etc) the surface stuff. But the core issues are what drives your marriage.

A professional can help you identify and deal with the core problems in your relationship. This will empower you to move forward and find real help.

#4: Creates Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are an important part of our everyday life. They are even more vital when marriage is in crisis mode.

Part of the moving-on process includes setting boundaries so that ‘bad behavior’ doesn’t become a relationship hazard. Both partners in a relationship/marriage should feel comfortable expressing their needs and limitations regarding what they will/will not accept.

Source

Healthy boundaries are an important part of our everyday life. They are even more vital when marriage is in crisis mode. Click To Tweet

How To Get The Most Out Of Marriage Therapy

In order to make marriage therapy work, there are a few practical things you can do to get the most out of the experience.

#1: Start By Taking A Course Designed To Improve Your Relationship

I mentioned this earlier, but enrolling in a course to help you isolate and deal with core problems in your marriage can be very beneficial.

There are many programs, courses, and books we recommend. Our #1 recommendation can be found here.

There are a couple of reasons we like to start with a course or program:

First, it is cheaper than counseling.

While money should not be the determining factor whether you get help with your marriage or not, it does come into play in with many couples.

Most courses we recommend cost less than a cup of coffee a day.

Second, therapy has its downsides. We’ve mentioned those above.

Third, the programs we recommend are designed by relationship experts who have years of experience helping couples.

Finally, courses (the ones we offer) have a better track record than the average marriage therapist.

Note: This is not meant to be derogatory of marriage counselors individually. The industry lacks the success rate to make it a top priority in our opinion. We prefer the courses we recommend as a first step. Many times this is enough to restore the relationship without counseling.

#2: Focus On Improving Your Own Sense Of Value And Worth First

If you do go the route of marriage therapy, focus on your role, your responses, your part in the marriage. Not your partners.

Remember, counseling will fail if it becomes a blame session where all you do is focus on what is wrong in the relationship without dealing with the broken, wounded places in your heart.

Couples expert Stuart Fensterheim says:

One piece of advice I believe on how to save your marriage is to seek help early instead of waiting for contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling to become entrenched in the relationship.

Couples who succeed are those who learn how to deal with their own baggage and junk, then focus on their relationship.

Couples who succeed are those who learn how to deal with their own baggage and junk, then focus on their relationship. Click To Tweet

#3: Work To Get On The Same Page

One of the things that helps make counseling successful is when both parties desire to make the relationship work. It is difficult if you are alone in working on the marriage.

Being on the same pages means committed to the process. Not just the idea.

This is what sets successful couples apart from unsuccessful couples.

Almost every couple I deal with wants their marriage to work. However, not all couples are committed to the process.

It takes work, time, and energy to get your marriage back on track. It is a process.

Almost every couple I deal with wants their marriage to work. However, not all couples are committed to the process. Click To Tweet

We’ve found when both partners are willing to work the system (a strategy designed to help them reconnect) they are more likely to succeed.

Final Thoughts On Marriage Therapy

In this article, we explored the topic: Can marriage therapy save a marriage?

The answer? Yes. But not always.

We discussed why traditional marriage counseling often fails, and what to do make it work for your situation.

Summary

• 7 Reasons Marriage Counseling Often Fails
  • #1: Counselors Are Not Trained To Work With Couples Properly
  • #2: Outdated Methods Are Applied To Unique Situations
  • #3: Couples Wait Too Late To Get Help
  • As with any problem, the sooner it is addressed, the easier it is to repair.
  • #4: Couples Fail to Take Pre-Counseling Steps To Get On Track
  • #5: Marriage Therapy Often Turns Into A Blame Session
  • #6: Couples Don’t Find The Right Counselor Fit
  • #7: There Is A Negative Connotation To Counseling Some Couples Experience
• 4 Big Benefits Of Marriage Therapy
  • #1: It Provides A Safe Environment To Work On Issues
  • #2: It Offers Objective Help
  • #3: It Helps Identify Core Issues
  • #4: Creates Healthy Boundaries
• How To Get The Most Out Of Marriage Therapy
  • #1: Start By Taking A Course Designed To Improve Your Relationship
  • #2: Focus On Improving Your Own Sense Of Value And Worth First
  • #3: Work To Get On The Same Page

What’s Next?