Can A Relationship Survive With Two Dominant Personalities? 6 Keys To Make It Work

Some personality types go well together. Others don’t. Can a relationship survive with two dominant personalities? Maybe. But these 6 keys are crucial to your survival.

This is part of a series we are doing called, ‘Can A Marriage Survive?’ Each article deals with a difficult subject by presenting practical solutions to help couples create the marriage they desire. Click here for a list of all the topics in this series.

John Estafanous believes workplace teams are a lot like families. Each member has a different personality and sometimes there is conflict when two members have dominant personalities.

In the workplace, you can sometimes let the pecking order work itself out. If it doesn’t, one team member can change positions, be promoted out, or leave the company all together.

It is not as easy when two strong personalities have to coexist and work together in the family. It is even more difficult when husband and wife are both domineering.

Is it possible for two strong, controlling personalities to make it as a couple? Of course. It demands sensitivity and self control, but it is possible. Some even argue it makes for a great relationship.

There are obvious things you need to be aware of if you both partners are strong leader types. In the next section we talk about a few key concepts on how to navigate individual differences.

4 Things To Understand About Dominant Personalities

These four concepts will help you get a grip on strong personality traits so they don’t wreck your relationships.

1) Understand Your Strengths

Estafanous says:

Keep in mind that most dominating employees likely have good intentions. Tackling this issue head-on will not only benefit their teammates, but will also help that employee strengthen their listening and team-building skills and in doing so, meet with greater professional success themselves.

This goes double for spouses. Learning how to deal with dominating personality types (especially if you are one) will help you get a grip on making relationships work, and keeping your marriage healthy.

CliftonStrengths is a business consulting firm that assists companies in creating positive, healthy work environments. They do this, primarily, by helping businesses understand (what they term) the four types of leadership. In a nutshell, this concept answers the question, ‘How do people work to get things done?’

They recognize four ‘domains’ of strengths:

1. Executing
2. Influence
3. Relationship Building
4. Strategic Thinking

Their studies show that strong leaders fall into one of these categories.

How does this relate to marriage? Simple. The better you understand HOW you approach problems, situations, and ‘things’ in life, the easier it is to work with others.

The following is an oversimplification of CliftonSrengths. So bear with me.

An example may help drive home the point:

Suppose you are an executor; you like to move fast and execute plans quickly. Your spouse, however, is a strategic thinker. This is someone who likes to plan and think through the options available before making decisions. What happens when big decisions need to be made?

We have a couple who are dear friends of ours. More like family than friends. They both are entrepreneurs and own their own businesses. He has a consulting firm. She owns a marketing agency. Both are very successful.

Over dinner one night, they began to discuss their different approaches to business. He moves fast. Take action, then optimize for best results. She, on the other hand, is an extreme planner. Nothing is done until the plan is laid out.

Many times their business personalities roll over into their marriage.

When this happens, they have learned to bridge the gap and work together. It takes discipline, but they have made it work. They know the questions to ask one another. They understand their leadership personality, which gives them an advantage in working on things together.

Their strong personalities, and their differences, give them an advantage as a couple. They are not one-sided in their view of life. They have the ability to see things through the lens of each other.

This is a benefit, not a disadvantage. By knowing their strengths (and their partners strengths), they can work together better.

2) There Is A Difference In Being Strong and Being Disagreeable

Unfortunately, some people think strong leadership equals disagreeing with the other person. This is not only untrue, it is counter productive to leadership. True leadership is the ability to see the value in others and help them reach their full potential.

A recent study by the National Academy of Sciences reveals aggressive behavior in the workplace does not equal good leadership.

We conducted two preregistered prospective longitudinal studies in which we measured participants’ disagreeableness prior to entering the labor market and then assessed the power they attained in the context of their work organization ∼14 y later when their professional careers had unfolded. Both studies found disagreeable individuals did not attain higher power…

Their findings indicated two factors at play:

First, dominant aggressive behavior helped people attain higher power, but because they were less ‘communal’ and not generous, this power was erased.

In other words, aggressive actions may have short term benefits (you get what you want initially), it does not add value in the long term and has a negative impact on goals and relationships.

Another study by the same organization, shows disagreeable aggressive behavior decreases trust in social settings. For marriage, this means constant criticism and disagreeable behavior diminishes trust in your relationship.

You may get what you want, but you may not want what you get! Click To Tweet

The motto here is: You may get what you want, but you may not want what you get!

Keep in mind there is a wide range of behaviors that make up dominant personalities. We will narrow down this broad range to a few key components – being disagreeable, argumentative, and aggressive in relationships. These behaviors do not produce a cohesive and productive environment. It doesn’t create love and bonding, which is the hallmark of strong marriages.

3) Know The Place Of Compromise

Most people view compromise as a losing situation. This could not be further from the truth. Compromise is the ability to navigate a situation where both partners win.

Sure, there are times big decisions have to be made and you might not be on the same page. Compromise is figuring out a way to accomplish goals without hurting each other.

How Goals Help Eliminate Battles

This is why understanding your purpose and creating goals as a couple is valuable. When you have clear goals, they become the deciding factor when decisions need to be made.

For example, if your goal is to buy a home in two years, you need to create a game plan to save money for a down payment. Put it in writing. Know your numbers. How much do you need to put back out of every paycheck to meet your goal?

Then, when your spouses want to purchase something that takes away from your bigger goal, the goal casts the winning vote. Can we do this and still reach our big goal of buying a house?

In the video below, I go into more detail on how goals become our litmus test and monitor our actions.

4) Influence Outweighs Demands

If your concept of getting your needs met is by demanding other people do things for you, life is going to be harsh. There will always be a small group who might comply with your forceful wishes, but you will not develop the kind of relationships you truly desire.

Great leaders are the ones who inspire people to accomplish things; they do not demand. They influence. There is a huge difference.

Great leaders are the ones who inspire people to accomplish things; they do not demand. They influence. There is a huge difference. Click To Tweet

Strong personalities (dominant people) need to shift their mindset and think in terms of influence over demands.

When both partners are dominant, this is even more necessary. Demands only push others away.

Learning to use the power of influence is a key for strong leaders.

6 Keys For Working Together Instead Of Apart

We know we can make it even though we are both strong, dominant personalities. The question is how to work together. What are the keys that make this partnership good?

These six keys will unlock the potential in your marriage and help you grow together instead of a part.

#1 Practice Self Awareness

Remember, you are a couple, not competitors.

Be aware if you are dominating a conversation, and be sensitive to the needs of your spouse and family.

#2 Agree Ahead Of Time On Clear Boundaries

Some counselors make a distinction (which I think is good) about the different types of boundaries.

Functional boundaries are those that govern how certain things should be done.

Relationship boundaries govern how the relationship works.

Dominant personalities often have trouble with both; especially relationship boundaries.

A few common signs:

• The need to control
• Anger if someone disagrees
• Withholding affection when you don’t get your way
• Inconsistency in rules

If you or your partner do any of these it is a sign your boundaries are not clear.

Boundaries are not set to keep others under control; in fact, they provide the opposite. They keep you under control. Boundaries limit what you should or should not do. Not what your spouse is supposed to do.

How To Set Healthy Boundaries As A Dominant Personality

These rules apply to any couple, however, they are specifically necessary for couples who are both strong, dominant personality types.

1. Write down basic rules of who does what in the family
2. Agree on how you will discuss and handle issues that come up
3. Determine who gets the final say in big matters of of disagreement
4. Always remember the golden rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you)
5. Understand the principle it is better to give than receive

#3 Listen To Hear

We’ve talked about this on several occasions; there is a difference in listening and hearing. Listening is allowing the other person to speak. Hearing is understanding what they are communicating. One doesn’t necessarily imply the other.

Strong personalities need to learn to listen in order to hear. A key factor in good leadership is to understand the other person. It’s not only about getting your point across.

In fact, great leaders and strong individuals are those who seek first to understand. Because they know if they truly tap into what the other person is saying, they can communicate in a more effective manner.

The goal of conversation is connection. Without connection, all you have is the transfer of information. It is important to convey information, but real meaning is found in connecting with our spouse.

You may also want to read: What Mr. Rogers Can Teach Us On The Importance Of Listening

#4 Never Underestimate The Power Of Honor and Respect

Disagreements happen. We are, afterall, human. Individuals. We have dreams and drives that make us unique. The very nature of life brings these into conflict with others at time.

Respect and honor keep these opposing forces in balance.

When something I want conflicts with something my spouse wants, it doesn’t have to lead to war. Our discussion doesn’t have to be combative. We can negotiate and work our way to a solution because we have respect and show honor to one another.

#5 Ask Authentic Questions

I learned the power of asking questions in my college years studying psychology and during years of being in sales.

In sales, for example, asking questions is far more important than blathering about how good your product is. No one cares about your product until you care about their situation. This is basic psychology.

This works the same in marriage. When we show our spouse we genuine care about them and what they want, it is easier to find common ground. By the way, if you do not genuinely care about what your spouse wants, you have much deeper issues and trouble is on the horizon (if not already present).

Marriage is give and take. Not all give, but certainly not all take either. Most couples fail at the giving end of things, not the taking.

Asking questions is the highest form of communication. It allows you to:

1. Find out what your spouse desires, needs, and wants
2. Show interest in their world
3. Connect on a heart level
4. Discover how to best meet their needs
5. Build trust

Asking questions builds trust by demonstrating authentic concern, care, and appreciation. It sends the signal ‘we are present’ and wants to share life with them.

#6 Stop Trying To Win And Start Trying To Connect

Winning may work in the corporate world (although even in that arena it is best to learn to work as a team), but it is counter productive in marriage.

Couples that see their relationship as a competition rarely rate high in marriage satisfaction. It’s difficult to be open, honest, and giving in a relationship where everything seems like manipulation and control. This creates a climate of distrust and dissatisfaction.

Redefine what marriage is supposed to be. Start by understanding the marriage wheel. This will help you define your goals and see your marriage in a different light.

You may also want to watch the video, ‘Men Without Elbows’ to discover how giving is the key to getting your own needs met.

Final Thoughts

Being strong is not a bad quality. Even when both partners in marriage display dominant personalities doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. In fact, if you learn to work together and have clear goals in your relationship, you could have an advantage.

In this article, we discussed six (6) keys that will help you work together to create a healthy marriage.

Summary

• 4 Things To Understand About Dominant Personalities
  • 1) Understand Your Strengths
  • 2) There Is A Difference In Being Strong and Being Disagreeable
  • 3) Know The Place Of Compromise
  • 4) Influence Outweighs Demands
• 6 Keys For Working Together Instead Of Apart
  • #1 Practice Self Awareness
  • #2 Agree Ahead Of Time On Clear Boundaries
  • #3 Listen To Hear
  • #4 Never Underestimate The Power Of Honor and Respect
  • #5 Ask Authentic Questions
  • #6 Stop Trying To Win And Start Trying To Connect

What’s Next?

Where To Find Help