Can A Marriage Survive Resentment?

Can a marriage survive resentment? The answer is yes, but it takes effort and commitment from both partners to address and overcome these negative feelings.

Resentment can be a major obstacle in a marriage, causing feelings of anger, frustration, and bitterness towards one’s partner. 

When left unchecked, feelings of resentment can erode the love and trust that is essential to a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

In this article, we will explore the causes of resentment in a marriage, the signs to look out for, and strategies for overcoming it and building a stronger, more resilient relationship.

First, let’s define what we mean when we say resentment.

What Is Resentment?

Resentment is when we feel bitterness, indignation, or anger (or any negative emotions) towards someone or something because we feel like they have done us wrong. If it is not dealt with, it often results in a desire for revenge or retribution.

This happens in marriage when one partner feels that their needs or expectations are not being met, or when there is a breach of trust or betrayal.

Resentment can also stem from misunderstandings, communication breakdowns, or differences in values or priorities. We will look deeper at the causes of resentment a little later.

How Resentment Affects Marriage

One of the most damaging aspects of resentment is it most often leads to a cycle of conflict and negative interactions. This causes a deterioration in the relationship. When this happens, it results in a lack of intimacy and emotional connection, as well as a lack of mutual respect and appreciation.

If left unaddressed, resentment can create a toxic and unhealthy dynamic between both partners. This leads to ongoing conflict and a breakdown of trust.

In severe cases, resentment can even lead to the end of a relationship.

When one partner feels like they are not being heard or respected. it leads to further feelings of resentment. This is why it becomes a negative cycle that is repeated over and over. 

The longer the cycle continues, the more it erodes the relationship. It increases marriage dissatisfaction. Eventually, if not addressed, it can even lead to divorce.

The Importance of Dealing With Resentment

However, by addressing and resolving resentment, it is possible to heal and strengthen the bond between spouses. It takes effort and commitment from both partners to work through these negative feelings and rebuild trust and connection.

By addressing resentment early on and taking proactive steps to resolve it, couples can create a more positive and loving relationship.

Happy marriages are those that practice ‘keeping short accounts.’

This is a financial term. It is used to stress the idea to pay your bills before they pile up. If you owe a bill of $100, don’t wait until it becomes $1000 to pay it.

This same principle can be applied to marriage conflict. When we deal with little problems, they don’t become big problems.

In the video below, I explain this in more details, Plus, I outline how to do this and give a few tips on what ‘not’ to do.

Bottom line: If you don’t deal with resentment, it will erode your marriage. 

Causes of Resentment in Marriage

It’s impossible to list all the things that can inject resentment into your marriage. These nine ’causes’ are the main ones we see most often. In fact, I think most reasons fall into one of these categories.

Special note: Here is how you need to read this list. 

First, self evaluation. Are you feelings, doing, or holding any of these things in your heart?

Second, relationship evaluation. Is your spouse expressing any of these things?

In the final section of this article, we will discuss a few practical things you can do to rid your relationship of resentment.

#1 Unmet Needs and Expectations

Almost all conflict falls under this category: Unmet needs and unfulfilled expectations.

When we enter into any relationship there are always expectations. We expect the company we work with to be true to their word and pay us what they say.

When we purchase something at a store, we expect the merchandise to be as advertised.

Good evening, applies to friendships and marriage. We all have expectations.

Some of those expectations are unrealistic. Many are legitimate. When those legitimate needs an expectations aren’t met, it causes conflict. Internal conflict and relationship conflict .

When these needs aren’t met, it leads to feelings of disappointment, frustration, and even resentment.

When I do premarital counseling for young couples, I always have them discuss their expectations in three major areas: sex, money, communication.

I found that most problems, at least on the surface, fall into one of those three areas.

When you outline your expectations and discuss your needs in those areas early on, it helps. Diffuse potential problems down the road.

Unfortunately, most couples fail to do this. And ultimately, when those needs and expectations are unmet over a long period of time it causes resentment.

#2 Communication Issues

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve talked with couples who indicated their major problem was a communication issue. This is why learning effective communication is so important.

It’s my belief that because we were created in the image of god, we are creatures who long to connect and communicate. When that need is unfulfilled, it causes internal stress. See above.

I find this more often in women than I do in men. That’s not to say it’s merely a female issue. It is not. It simply expresses itself differently in men and women .

The reality is we are all designed to connect with others.

For example, I like to work by myself. I don’t need someone else to motivate me. And I like to spend a lot of time by myself. Crowds are not my thing. I prefer a small group of friends over a large gathering.

In spite of that, I can’t go too long without connecting with one of my close friends.

I have a friend who lives in another state. Every day we exchanged text messages. We share what we’re learning when we study scripture.. We encourage one another. And we hold one another accountable.

My point is, everyone needs connection.

The most important connection in a person’s life (outside of God) is with their spouse.

When this is neglected over a long period of time, it breeds resentment.

#3 Financial Problems

I mentioned finances earlier. It’s one of the three major issues I want couples to discuss before they get married.

All have a money personality. It’s important to know this and to understand your spouse’s money personality.

Financial conflict is one of the leading factors in divorce.

When partners can’t come together and manage their money together, it creates animosity and resentment.

It is extremely important to get your money issues resolved so you’re marriage can thrive.

#4 Infidelity or Lack of Trust

Infidelity is certainly a marriage killer.

But it is not the only thing that destroys trust in a relationship. It certainly one of the bigger issues. But it’s not the only thing.

Without trust, a marriage simply cannot be everything. It should be. All communication, all intimacy, all true connection is based upon trust.

When trust is broken, it should be the top priority in your relationship to restore it.

#5 Lack of Emotional Connection or Intimacy

I always want my wife to feel special. Every once in a while I do something very intentional to let her know just how valuable she is.

In fact, I like the word chosen. I want her to know that she is chosen.

Chosen by God, who loves her deeply.

But also chosen by me. This doesn’t mean that I view her as some item on a grocery store shelf, and I select her over another package. That’s not what I’m talking about

Being chosen means that out of all the people in the world, I prefer to be with you.

It means I value my relationship with you more than any other human relationship. Because of that, I cherish it and nurture it.

Feeling chosen produces confidence in your relationship. It creates security and stability.

I believe many marriage problems are the result of one partner not feeling chosen in the relationship. When this is absent, it’s easy to see how resentment can form.

#6 Power Struggles and Control Issues

In most cases, power struggles are the result of insecurity. Not always. But most of the time.

When we’re confident in our identity, we don’t have to struggle over who’s right and who’s wrong.

Conflict, combat, and fights are always the result of power struggles.

When power struggles aren’t resolved, and couples fail to learn how to work together as a team, resentment surfaces.

#7 Different Values and Beliefs

Our values and beliefs shape our lives.

Our views about God, the purpose of life, and others are formed by our values and beliefs.

When these are not in sync with our spouse, it can create a lot of conflict.

It’s sad to see couples who dated and married only to discover later in life they had different values and beliefs.

#8 Lack of Respect for One Another

Lack of respect is more of a symptom than a root cause. Yet it is a major issue in many marriages.

Lack of respect is not only dishonoring to your spouse, it opens the door for anger and resentment.

#9 External Stressors Such as Job Loss, Illness, etc

One of the harsh realities of life is we can’t control the events that happen in life. And sometimes these events cause stress.

For example, the last several years have proven to be pretty tough on families. I know many people who lost their job because of covid-19 and economic factors.

The stress of this can make tempers flare and fuses short. If stress isn’t dealt with in a healthy way, many times, it manifests toward our spouse in the form of resentment.

These are just a few of the triggers that can cause resentment in a marriage. And each of these is a relationship killer if not dealt with properly.

Signs that Resentment is Building in a Marriage

There are many things to look for, but here are the top signs of resentment.

#1 Withdrawal 

One of the first signs to look for in identifying resentment is withdrawal.

It’s human nature to pull away and withdrawal when something hurts us. It’s not helpful. But it is normal.

We see this in relationships a lot. Our partner hurts us, we pull away.

This takes many forms. Husband stopped talking and communicating. Wives cease being intimate and physical.

It all spells withdrawal.

Resentment is not based upon an isolated event or occasion. It comes because of an extended time of neglect or long-term wounds. Click To Tweet

#2 Constant Criticism 

I want to stress the word constant. Just because you disagree or have an argument does not mean there is deep-seated resentment.

However, when there is constant criticism, it is a strong indicator that there’s unforgiveness and bitterness in the relationship.

If you consistently nitpick and criticize your spouse, perhaps it’s time to do a little self-evaluation. The question you should ask yourself is, why does this bother me?

If you were simply a negative person, work to change that. It will only erode your relationship further.

If, however, there is a deep wound you feel against your spouse, you need to deal with this so bitterness and resentment don’t take root.

#3 Avoiding Physical Contact 

I made the point earlier that we were created for connection and communication. One of the ways this plays out in our marriage is physical contact.

One of the first things to go when there is resentment is physical connection. This is a strong sign something is wrong in the relationship.

It is natural to want to touch and connect on a physical level. When this stops , it’s time to evaluate.

Strategies to Overcome Resentment in a Marriage

Every problem needs a strategy for how to solve it and get the relationship back on track.

Here are five practical things to do to untangle the knot of resentment.

#1 Identify the root cause(s) of the resentment

I hinted at this earlier. Resentment is usually the result of an inner wound or disappointment.

It rarely surfaces because of an event.

Resentment is usually the result of an inner wound or disappointment. Click To Tweet

Here’s what I mean.

If I forget my wife’s birthday, it will hurt her feelings. It Will make her sad, but it will not make her think I do not love her.

Here’s why.

If I’ve invested in her life to make sure she knows that I care deeply for her and I treasure her. That one time event will not make her resent me.

It might make her disappointed. As it should. But she will not resent me for it. Because she knows that I love her. Because of that, I get the benefit of the doubt.

If, however, I have demonstrated by my lifestyle that she is not a priority, I do not care for her, and I neglect her on a continual basis, she will resent me.

Resentment is not based upon an isolated event or occasion. It comes because of an extended time of neglect or long-term wounds.

This is why it is vital to find out the root cause of resentment.

Yet, this is where most couples fail. They point at an event and they argue about the situation. They don’t dig deep to find out why that event triggered that feeling or emotion.

And honestly, until we dig deep, we won’t understand the real problems in our relationship.

The key strategy and diffusing resentment is to understand why it is there in the first place.

Only then can you combat it.

If you spend your time dealing with surface issues, you’ll never get rid of resentment.

#2 Practice effective communication 

I’ve mentioned this before but there is a difference between efficiency and effectiveness.

Efficient communication is relating the facts and the simplest way possible.

Effective communication is making sure those facts are understood.

You can see the difference when couples argue.

Most couples argue by pinpointing the facts to make their case. This seldom wins an argument.

Arguments aren't over facts. They're over misunderstanding. They happen because one partner doesn't feel understood by the other partner. Click To Tweet

Arguments aren’t over facts. They’re over misunderstanding. They happen because one partner doesn’t feel understood by the other partner.

This is why effective communication is so important. Especially when trying to overcome resentment.

#3 Spend quality time together and reconnect emotionally

Because resentment tends to drive us apart, we need to create strategies that make sure we stay connected and we continue to work through issues and problems.

Think of it this way. Our closest friends are usually the people we spend the most time with.

The simple explanation is, quality. Time together helps us bond.

So if you want to bond and connect with your spouse, you have to create quality time together.

#4 Take responsibility for your own actions/words

My son is a pastor in Phoenix, Arizona. One day we were discussing some issues that he was facing.

At one point he paused and said:

Dad, we live in a culture of offense. Because of that, we blame everybody else for our problems and nobody wants to take responsibility.

That is a mic drop statement.

The harsh reality is, until we take responsibility for our own actions, thoughts, and behavior,we will never make progress in life.

It’s easy to find someone to blame.

It’s easy to blame your spouse for your unhappiness. But this doesn’t solve the problem.

Not only is it untrue, it keeps you from experiencing the life that you really want.

One of the best ways to combat resentment is to take responsibility for your life.

If you’ve done something wrong, own it. If you’ve hurt someone, make it right. Take responsibility so your life can improve.

#5 Seek professional help

I look at marriage in relationship problems like medical problems.

The best course of action to stay healthy physically is to take preventative measures to make sure you’re getting the rest, nutrition, and exercise that leads to a healthy life.

That’s common sense.

Some health issues can be resolved with self-treatment.

If you’ve got a cold, get rest, drink plenty of fluids, and take some aspirin. That’s pretty much what a doctor would tell you to do.

However, there are some issues that require medical intervention and even surgery.

Marriage is no different.

The best course of action in relationships is always preventative. Do things to keep your marriage healthy.

Sometimes problems do come up and we can self-treat. There are several programs we recommend to help you build the kind of marriage you desire.

I view these as self treatment. You are doing the work to make your marriage better.

Occasionally, we need to go beyond that and get professional help. You can start here.

If your marriage is in crisis mode, get the help you need. Get it now and don’t put it off.

I believe most marriages can be restored. I realize it takes a lot of work, but it’s possible.

The key is to do what it takes to make sure resentment doesn’t destroy your relationship.