Can A Marriage Survive Repeated Infidelity: A Realistic Guide To Rebuilding After Trust Is Lost

Can a marriage survive repeated infidelity? That’s not an easy question to answer because there are many variables, but in this article, we will break it down and give a few practical things to consider.

Our answer is a ‘Maybe, it depends...’ We explain the three big factors to consider.

Our answer is also ‘Yes, but…‘ It demands something from both parties. We’ll give you 7 things you must sider if your partner is a repeat offender.

Plus, we offer 7 things you will have to do if you have had an affair.

This is part of a series on ‘Can A Marriage Survive’ where we deal with difficult issues couples face and offer practical solutions.

I Got The Call

Several years ago, I received a phone call one night while my wife and I were on a date night. It was from a man I hadn’t seen in quite a while. 

When I answered the phone, the first words out of his mouth were: ‘Pastor, I’ve blown it. Big time.’ I hadn’t been in the ministry (full-time pastoring) for a number of years, so I was surprised he called me.

He wasted no time telling me the story. His wife found out he had been involved with a number of women throughout many years of their marriage. He was a serial cheater. 

In spite of multiple affairs, he didn’t want to lose his wife and family. So he asked me what to do.

The things I’ve written in this article are similar to the steps I gave him. Over time, his marriage was restored. It took work and time. 

I share his story to give you hope, but also to let you know, the path is not easy.

Let’s address a few things necessary in order to move past the affairs and rebuild your marriage. 

If Your Marriage Can Survive Repeated Infidelity Depends On A Number Of Factors

This is the ‘Maybe, It Depends’ aspect of the question. The reality is, most marriages cannot overcome repeated infidelity. 

It’s not impossible, but most couples don’t possess the ability to forgive, forget, and move on. Somewhere along the line, the offense blocks their ability to trust again. 

3 Things That Determine If The Marriage Will Survive

I’ll start by saying, these are not the only things that matter when trying to rebuild after an affair. They are, however, three of the biggest challenges that must be addressed.

Also, keep in mind, I’m addressing the party who has been hurt. Not the one who violated the marriage. I mention this for two reasons:

1) Whether the marriage works or not is in your hands. You have the right to walk away. You are under no legal, moral, or ethical obligation to take them back. So I’m addressing you. These are things you must consider.

Sure there are things that apply to the spouse who was unfaithful. I address those later on. 

2) There is as much work you have to do as your spouse in making your marriage work again.

I know that’s hard to hear, but you need to face the truth now. Now. It takes a lot of work to rebuild after an affair. You can multiply that if there have been repeated offenses.

For now, here are three things you should consider in order to restore your marriage.

Factor #1: Your Temperament

If you have a hard time letting go of offenses, or you keep things bottled up inside, rebuilding your relationship will be challenging (to say the least). 

I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t grieve, hurt, or even be angry. Those are natural, normal, and healthy responses. They become your adversary when they control your future – or your ability to forgive and move forward.

It takes time to heal. But healing is necessary (required) for your relationship to work. 

Don’t expect instant change. There might be a flurry of repentance and regret, but when things settle down is when you have to apply the principles we will discuss later.

Factor #2: Your Willingness

As mentioned, it takes time to work through your negative emotions and pain, AND it takes time to rebuild trust (which is the foundation of a healthy relationship). If you are not willing to invest time in either of those, it is best to walk away.

There is also the willingness to risk. The truth is, you could get hurt again. There is no guarantee it will not happen again. This is a fact you must consider. If you are not willing to risk again, it’s probably time to end the relationship.

Factor #3: Your Ability To Heal

Finding emotional (mental, spiritual, and even physical) healing should be your priority.

Unfortunately, many people choose to live in the pain of what happened. 

There are two main reasons for this (at least two I see most often):

1. It’s too hard to forget about it (because it does take work). 
2. You gained something from their infidelity. 

I know this sounds crazy, but it happens.

Quick example:

Over the past few years, we’ve worked with a lady whose husband has been in a long-term affair with another woman. It’s been painful, but she hasn’t left.

I’m sure there are many reasons she has remained in the marriage. Some good and noble, but one, in particular, I consider being damaging in the long run.

What is that reason? She has become a saint in the eyes of her friends. They constantly tell her how proud they are of her, how much faith she must have, and they even call her a saint for sticking it out.

There is no question she still loves her husband. But I’m not sure the lines haven’t been blurred between what is noble and what is healthy. In spite of all the affirmations from her friends and colleagues, she is broken, hurt, and rejected. 

She is not getting the healing she needs. What’s the best course of action for her? I’m not sure. But what she is doing is not working.

I bring this up as a point of warning. 

Your healing is the priority. Don’t allow false beliefs to keep you from it.

You must have the ability to get the help you need to let go of the pain. And you must cease caring what others think about you (good or bad).

One final thought before we move on: If you are in an abusive situation, get out. No exceptions. The best course of action you should take is to leave.

7 Things You Must do If Your Spouse Is A Repeat Offender

Here are seven rules (principles, common-sense steps) you need to do to start rebuilding.

Step #1: Deep Forgiveness

I’ve said it many times, forgiveness is as much for you as it is to them. We forgive because we need to be free from the shackles that unforgiveness ties us to.

I used the term deep forgiveness simply because this is nothing superficial. You’ve been hurt, wounded, and rejected. Letting go of that is deep work. It requires forgiveness on a deeper level. 

But it’s necessary.

I’ll talk about this later, but you may need to get help walking through this. This. In my opinion, this is the first step. You simply must forgive.

The truth is, you’ll never be able to rebuild your marriage until you forgive.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean necessarily forgetting. But it does mean refusing that event and pain to control your life.

We talk more about forgiveness here.

Step #2: Set Clear Expectations

In this step, you’re going to answer some important questions.

• What do you want from your spouse?
• What do you expect him to do to demonstrate his remorse?
• What do you want for your marriage?
• What is your new normal going to look like with your spouse as you work through your issues?

These are just a few of the questions you need to address. They will help you define your expectations.

Working through these questions ( as well as others) will help you define what’s important to you. Discussing these with your spouse will help you both get clarity on where you stand in the relationship, and how to move forward.

Step #3: Be Patient.

I offer this as a warning and an admonishment. It’s a warning because the temptation is to be impatient. It’s an admonishment because you need to hear the words” be patient”

I’m not merely referring to having patience with your spouse. That’s important, and you’ll need it as they work through their own issues.

But it’s important to be patient with yourself. With the process.

Nothing will happen overnight. In fact, you’ll have days when you’ll feel light-hearted and as if nothing ever happened. Other days you’ll feel the pain and ache of betrayal. That’s normal. It’s part of the process.

The important thing is to not get stuck. That’s where patients come in.

Realize that it takes time to regain trust. It takes time and work in order to rebuild.

Time can either work for you or against you. It works against you when you violate step one and refuse to forgive.

It works for you when you exercise patience and realize that every step forward is a step closer to restoration.

Step #4: Know Yourself Well

Here’s what I mean. At some point, you’ll have to let your spouse off the hook. This is not easy to do because human nature tends to hold on to things.

It’s easy to hold on to things and use them as leverage.

The first time something happens that hurts your feelings. The tendency is to dip into the bucket of past offenses and use it against our spouse. Well sometimes that might be justified, most of the time it is not.

You have to be honest with yourself and you can only do that by knowing yourself well.

You have to be in tune with your inner self to know when it’s time to let it go fully so you can move forward.

I remember meeting with a couple when I was a pastor. He had an affair and they were working through their issues.

It had been several years since it happened. Yet she was having difficulty letting go and forgiving him.

He loved his wife and tried to demonstrate that in spite of his failure.

At one point he looked up and said to me something along these lines:

I wish she would either forgive me or divorce me. I love her but I can’t keep living like this.

From his perspective, she was using his past failure as leverage against him. It was time for her to either let go or give up on the relationship.

That’s what I mean by knowing yourself. Well. You may come to that point. And unless you know yourself well, you won’t know when the right time to truly let it go so you can move forward.

Step #5: Don’t Lie To Yourself

Laying to yourself is the opposite of step four above.

We lie to ourselves in three ways:

1. We pretend like things are okay when they are not.

This happens when we have a hard time facing the fact that things aren’t changing. We lie to ourselves.

We don’t want to face the fact that our partner is refusing to give his heart to the relationship.

If this is the case, it’s not healthy to lie to yourself and pretend that things are getting better. You have to make some tough choices.

2. You lie to yourself that you are getting better but you are not.

This usually happens because we have a lot invested and we want things to work that we fail to heed the inner warning signs in our hearts.

Fear of losing the relationship blinds you from seeing the truth you need to see.

3. The marriage is getting better but you can’t see it.

Because restoration is a long process, especially after multiple affairs, many times we can’t see the progress that’s being made.

It’s easy to focus on what has not yet transpired instead of what has. I’m not suggesting we stop seeing what needs to be done in the future, but I am saying take notice of the small steps your relationship is taking.

Step #6: Set Clear Boundaries

This is where many spouses get tripped up. They are often so afraid of losing the relationship. They fail to set clear boundaries and expectations.

Your boundaries should reflect what you expect out of your spouse, what you can and can’t tolerate, and why these things are important to you.

This is an important step that can’t be overlooked. There needs to be a no-nonsense boundary.

This goes back to step #4: know yourself.

I recommend putting this in writing and discussing it with your spouse. If they really want the marriage to work, and they are truly remorseful, this should not be an issue. If it is an issue, it’s a red flag that should present a warning to you.

Any spouse not willing to live within the boundaries is not willing to truly work on the marriage. I’ll discuss this more in the next section.

The big takeaway here is, boundaries are your friend. I look at them like rumble strips on the side of the road. When your vehicle veers off the road, those rumble strips make a loud noise that jerks you back to attention. They keep you from veering off the road.

Your boundaries are like those rumble strips. So set them and discuss them with your spouse.

Step #7: Get Help Working Through Your Pain

This final step is one of the most important. While I don’t always recommend couples counseling to work through marriage issues. I discuss that here. I do recommend personal counseling when you’ve experienced the trauma of unfaithfulness.

I have found that it’s almost impossible to work through that type of pain by simply bouncing your emotions off a girlfriend, or confiding in a confidant. You need professional help. You need someone who knows how to navigate and explore the deep pain that you feel emotionally. Please don’t overlook this step.

You may also want to read: How To Deal With An Unfaithful Wife.

7 Things You Need To Know And Do If You Have Had Multiple Affairs

This section is for the fallen. Those who have broken trust and engaged in serial infidelity.

I’m sure even reading those words presents a sting in your soul. But facing the truth about the pain you brought to someone you pledge to love for the rest of your life is an important step in rebuilding.

You also need to know that there are some requirements that you’ll have to meet if you want to rebuild your marriage.

These are certainly not the only requirements, but after working with many couples they are requirements that must be met.

I recommend reading these and discussing them with your spouse.

If you cannot honestly adhere to these requirements, you owe it to yourself and to your spouse to be honest. It is my belief that without these requirements you’ll never rebuild your marriage to what it can be.

These are the basics for rebuilding a committed relationship.

Requirement #1: Authentic Remorse

Remorse is more than just an emotional feeling. It is a deep sense of regret for what you’ve done to another person.

I don’t say this in order to shame you. But let’s be honest, if you have had multiple affairs, you have violated a sacred trust. You’ve lived selfishly and without regard for the person you pledged to love.

I hope there is deep regret for that.

An emotion of guilt can come because you got caught doing something you shouldn’t be doing. You feel guilty.

Remorse is much deeper. It happens because you’re truly impacted by what you did to another person.

In my opinion, without authentic remorse, there’s no hope for a marriage to be rebuilt.

We know intuitively when someone is being dishonest with us. Sometimes we ignore the signs, but most often we know. Deep inside.

When you experience true, authentic remorse, your spouse knows. They sense it. It can make the difference between success and failure in your marriage.

Requirement #2: A Clean Break

This should go without saying, however, I’ve learned from dealing with couples. It needs to be stated clearly. Break off any and all contact with the other party.

As long as your heart is divided, you’re unable to give your full attention to your spouse. If you’re serious about making your marriage work. end the affair.

This goes for emotional affairs, one-night stands, and serial infidelity.

Requirement #3: Realize The Gravity Of What You’ve Done

I touched on this in the first requirement, but it’s worth restating and emphasizing. Realize what you’ve done.

Not just what you have done to your spouse, but what you’ve done to yourself. And your family. Affairs create a loss of stability in the home.

Infidelity has an impact on who you are as a person. It usually comes with a great sense of failure and loss. It impacts your self-esteem, confidence, and self-respect. 

So, this goes much deeper than hurting your spouse’s feelings; you’ve changed the constitution of your marriage and your sense of identity. 

It may not hit you at first, but it will. The sooner you face these realities, the quicker you can begin the road to recovery.

Requirement #4: Get Counseling

This is non-negotiable. You need help working through the issues of infidelity.

Things do not happen without a cause. Actions do not come out of the blue. They begin with beliefs, turn into thoughts, and manifest as behaviors. Getting to the bottom of what beliefs you hold (and what thoughts you contemplated) takes skill and wisdom. 

That’s why we recommend getting professional help.

I said it earlier, but I will repeat it again. I don’t often recommend ‘marriage counseling’ to couples, but I do recommend personal individual counseling.

Having a professional help you work through the deep-seated issues that led to an affair will be beneficial.

I do not say this to give you an excuse. There is no excuse. 

But understanding what led to your behavior will help you deal with it and change that behavior.

Requirement #5: Willingness To Rebuild Trust

When trust is broken, it has to be rebuilt.

The mistake many people make is to assume they should be trusted simply because they feel bad for what they did, apologized, or promised they would not do it again. This is not how life works.

Forgiveness and trust are not the same.

You can be forgiven for your behavior, but it takes time for YOU to rebuild the trust you tore down.

You must demonstrate you are willing to work on building that trust.

Requirement #6: Abide By The Rules

Abiding by the rules is the natural byproduct of being willing to work on establishing trust.

One of the steps your spouse will take is to establish expectations and boundaries. Your response to both of these determines how quickly you can start the journey of restoration.

This means no complaining when your spouse expresses concern or distrust. It’s unfair to expect her to move past your repeated decisions to damage your marriage.

For a refresher, re-read (or read if you haven’t) steps #2 and #6 in the section on how an offended partner should respond.

Requirement #7: Get A Sponsor

This is a step further than getting counseling.

If you are familiar with AA, you’ll know that each member has a sponsor. This is someone who holds them accountable, walks with them when they are tempted, and talks with them when they need to vent.

I see this as a type of accountability partner, but someone who is mature, honest, and willing to invest time and energy into you.

I am not familiar with an organization that provides this for marriage issues. The best place to start is your church, synagogue, or place of worship. Most churches have pastors or staff members that can help, or at least point you in the right direction.

I’ve found that individuals who take this step are far more likely to make progress in restoring their marriage.

Final Thoughts On Surviving Repeated Infidelity

Can a marriage survive repeated infidelity? Yes and maybe. In order for it to work, both partners must make commitments to do certain things.

In this article, we discussed three big factors that determine if your marriage can be saved. We listed seven steps you should take if your partner has had an affair. Then we discussed the seven requirements necessary if you have been unfaithful.

Summary

• If Your Marriage Can Survive Repeated Infidelity Depends On A Number Of Factors
  • 3 Things That Determine If The Marriage Will Survive
• 7 Things You Must do If Your Spouse Is A Repeat Offender
  • Step #1: Deep Forgiveness
  • Step #2: Set Clear Expectations
  • Step #3: Be Patient.
  • Step #4: Know Yourself Well
  • Step #5: Don’t Lie To Yourself
  • Step #6: Set Clear Boundaries
  • Step #7: Get Help Working Through Your Pain
• 7 Things You Need To Know And Do If You Have Had Multiple Affairs
  • Requirement #1: Authentic Remorse
  • Requirement #2: A Clean Break
  • Requirement #3: Realize The Gravity Of What You’ve Done
  • Requirement #4: Get Counseling
  • Requirement #5: Willingness To Rebuild Trust
  • Requirement #6: Abide By The Rules
  • Requirement #7: Get A Sponsor

What’s Next?