People can lie about small things (little white lies) or about big things (flagrant deception). The little things will undermine your marriage. Rebuilding trust in a relationship is no small task, but it can be done.

Charles Ponzi was an Italian immigrant who tricked hundreds of people out of their life savings. In 1920, Charles convinced a lot of people from New England into investing in a stamp business. He promised them that if they gave him money, they would get 50 percent back in just 90 days.

One way he convinced people it was a legitimate investment was, each time a new investor gave him money, he took a portion and gave to the old investors. This made it seem like they were making money when they weren’t. He made a lot of money, about $3 million in today’s market.

In August of 1920, he was caught and charged with 86 counts of mail fraud. His plan was so bad that the government invented a new type of fraud and named it after him, the Ponzi scheme. (Source)

His name is known for fraud, dishonesty, and theft.

So, why am I telling you this story?

Simple. Dishonesty ruins lives. Charles Ponzi destroyed the lives of people he encountered. 

While his deception is well-known and considered one of the greatest frauds of all time, all deceit is damaging.

I was recently asked if a marriage could survive if one partner was deceptive. The answer is, yes! But once trust is broken, it is difficult to rebuild. It’s possible. But not easy.

In this article, we discuss several reason dishonesty erodes a relationship. We conclude with three simple that are required if trust is to be rebuilt. 

Dishonesty is destructive to marriage.

Marriage is a partnership. The only way a partnership will work is if both parties trust and respect each other.

There are many things that pull against you in your relationship: work stress, family problems, raising children, in-laws, time demands. The list could go on and on.

Because there are so many factors that pull against you, couples need to work together to keep their relationship strong and grow closer. Working together, as I mentioned, demands trust. When that trust is broken, it can be devasting to a marriage.

Broken trust doesn’t mean the marriage has to end. But it does mean that both partners have work to do to restore the broken trust. I intentionally mention both parties because trust can’t be restored by one partner. It takes both.

Here are eight reasons dishonesty carries such potential damage to your marriage.

Dishonesty causes trust issues.

When your spouse is dishonest about finances or other aspects of life, it causes distrust and suspicion. Over time, this erodes your marriage.

Dishonesty is damaging to a relationship because it causes trust issues. The constant fear of being cheated on, lied to or betrayed takes its toll on the heart, mind, body and soul of a married couple.

Lying and deceit can destroy the trust between partners and make the couple feel isolated and lonely. Without trust and love in a relationship, it will be difficult to find happiness in each other’s company.

Dishonesty destroys respect.

When your spouse lies and tries to cover up his or her actions, it creates mistrust and an erosion of respect.

Dishonesty destroys love. Dishonesty undermines love because your partner no longer feels safe in the relationship. He or she can’t trust you and begins feeling anxious, fearful, guilty, and angry. This lack of safety diminishes intimacy between you and your spouse, which over time can cause a collapse of the marriage itself.

Sadly, most people struggle with honesty to some extent throughout their lives; even the most successful among us are not immune from the occasional lie or exaggeration about our personal accomplishments. However, dishonesty in marriage

Dishonesty affects your emotional health.

Dishonesty has a major impact on a person’s emotional health. The constant fear and anxiety of finding out that your partner has lied to you can cause you a lot of stress, pain and aches.

The fact that we feel guilty and ashamed when we lie or cheat has a huge impact on our emotional health. When we are dishonest, it erodes our trust in others as well as ourselves. This can lead to feelings of loneliness or isolation.

When we feel bad about ourselves, we can’t engage with others in an authentic way. It’s easy to see how this can have a negative impact on your marriage.

Dishonesty also affects your physical health.

A variety of studies show that dishonesty can also lead to a variety of physical ailments, most notably headaches and digestive problems as a result of dishonesty.

Over time, these can lead to hypertension and other serious health problems that can have a devastating effect on your long-term health and well-being.

Being dishonest also depletes your energy because you spend so much of your time and energy worrying about the lie you just told someone or how you’re going to explain your actions later. This often leads to exhaustion and a lack of motivation that can lead to all sorts of problems in your life including your health and relationships.

In marriage counseling, we often see spouses who struggle with depression and other mental health issues as a result of chronic lying and cheating. Lying wears you down emotionally as well as physically and can have a significant impact on your relationships in the long run if you don’t take steps to correct it right away.

That’s why it’s so important to understand the root causes of dishonesty and develop strategies to eliminate it from your behavior entirely so you can live a healthier and more fulfilling life in the long run.

Dishonesty also ruins your self-esteem.

Anytime we violate our own sense of morals and integrity, we lose confidence in ourselves. It may not be evident immediately, but over time dishonestly not only erodes the trust and confidence of others, it also diminishes our belief and trust in ourself.

Constant lying and deceit make you feel bad about yourself, lead to low self-esteem and cause you to lose confidence in your own abilities.

Dishonesty creates distance and resentment.

The more dishonest you are with your spouse, the more distance you’ll create between the two of you and the more resentment you’ll feel toward him or her as a result.

As people grow tired of being lied to, they develop a natural tendency to pull away from others and become more distant as a result — often distancing themselves from their marriage as well — which can lead to a whole host of additional problems in the relationship — ranging from a lack of intimacy to sexual dysfunction — that ultimately destroy the relationship altogether if left unchecked.

When distance comes between a husband and wife, it creates negative feelings, including anger, bitterness, guilt and anxiety. The more distance you create, the wider the gap becomes.

And the more negative emotions you feel toward your spouse, the harder it will be for the two of you to communicate openly and honestly with each other in the future — causing even more distance, anger and resentment in the process.

Lies have a way of festering and growing over long periods of time until they finally catch up with you and cause major problems in your relationships — both at home and at work — and even your career.

When we lie about something or someone, it takes a lot more energy to cover up that lie than to tell the truth in the first place!

Dishonesty destroys intimacy between a husband and wife.

Dishonesty creates tension and conflict in a relationship. When tension is high, intimacy is low.

Many times, it hides the real problems in a marriage. It causes secrets, and secrets slowly destroy a marriage because eventually the truth will out.

It takes a lot of energy and effort to keep a lid on a lie and keep a relationship on an even keel. Eventually the lies will undo a marriage and wreak havoc on a marriage.

By contrast, honesty builds trust between husband and wife. It builds a relationship where couples can openly express their emotions, needs, and desires. While dishonesty breeds distrust and destroys intimacy in marriage, honesty creates a romantic relationship that can flourish and grow.

Dishonesty in marriage can destroy intimacy because lying always leads to distrust and disappointment. It takes a toll on your marriage, because it causes you to be dishonest with your spouse about other aspects of your life as well — such as your spending habits or activities.

I often tell couples to look at dishonestly as a wall. A wall keeps you from entering into another space. It is a barrier to entry. And the longer the wall is there, the more invisible it becomes and the more real the barrier becomes! S

It’s the same with dishonesty in a marriage. If either spouse is dishonest with the other about something important in their life — such as finances — it can eventually ruin the relationship and cause a tremendous amount of tension and conflict in the relationship.

It’s virtually impossible to trust someone who constantly lies. When we’re honest with our partners, we’re able to trust them more and we feel more connected to them as a result — creating a deeper connection that can ultimately result in a stronger bond in the relationship as a whole!

Dishonesty always leads to other problems.

Dishonesty always leads to deeper problems. It’s like a cancer that erodes the organs. It begins in one place, but quickly moves to other places. Excuse the graphic imagery, but it’s vital to understand how subtle dishonestly is. It always carries erosive properties.

We live in a lake community. Lately, there has been a lot of construction on mountains around the lake. One of the last things they do when a house is built is sow grass seed. The property is very steep, so when the seed is sown, they have to be careful that rain doesn’t wash it away. Straw is put down (along with other things) to help the seed take root.

I recently saw one of the new construction sites where the entire lawn was washed away by a rain storm. It caused a huge mudslide that not only washed the grass away, it caused damage to the construction of the house.

I can’t help but make a connection to marriage. When dishonesty is present, it erodes the very foundation of the relationship. One problem becomes two. Two become three. On and on until it erodes the entire relationship.

Honesty, on the other hand, is like a tonic that helps every area of our lives. It’s the foundation of trust, respect, and credibility—all of which are essential for healthy relationships, both personal and professional. Honesty is the only way to build strong, lasting connections with those around us.

3 Things You Can Do To Rebuild Trust

Rebuilding trust doesn’t come from a formula. Broken trust affects the heart, so it takes heart to restore it.

The list below is not meant to be a step-by-step guide (although the steps are necessary). Without empathy and a deep desire to rebuild, no formula will work. That’s just the facts. Trust is an ‘inner issue.’ So inner work has to be done for trust to be rebuilt.

That said, here are five things you should do to start the journey of rebuilding trust.

1) Admit what you did wrong

Admit you were wrong and take the blame when you make a mistake. Don’t expect your spouse to forgive just because you say you’re sorry; you have to show it by your actions too! Actions speak louder than words!

In other words, ‘walk the walk.’ If your actions don’t match your words, you’ll lose credibility with your spouse and have an uphill battle on your hands to restore his or her trust in you. No matter how hard you try, if you’re constantly lying to your partner, he or she will eventually find out and then you’ll be fighting an uphill battle as well!

2) Apologize sincerely for your mistakes

Don’t just go through the motions and say the words “I’m sorry” without actually meaning them! Your spouse will know if you’re not sincere in your apology, which means he or she will have a hard time trusting you again!

If you sincerely want to restore the trust that was broken by your actions, you have to be able to admit you were wrong and take full responsibility for it!

3) Take responsibility

Don’t blame others for your mistakes; take responsibility for them! If your actions have caused harm or damage to another person or thing, you should apologize and take full responsibility for it!

If you caused damage intentionally, you still should apologize and try to make amends with the other person if possible! By taking responsibility for your mistakes, you can demonstrate to your spouse that you are truly sorry, you’re trustworthy and you’re willing to change for the better!

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