We’ve put together a list of books wives should read in order to better understand the men in their life. These books will educate you on how to be a better wife, how to make connections that last, and how to create the marriage you desire.
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Before you dogpile me for adding my book list for women to read, here me out.
I’ve talked with hundreds (thousands) of men through years of ministry, counseling, and business. They all say the same things; they want their wives to know they have needs. And just because their needs don’t look like their wives, they are needs (wants, desires, and expectations) nonetheless.
Most of the men I talk to and meet with are genuinely in love with their wives. Sure, I’ve met a few jerks through the years, but they are not the norm. At least, not in my world.
These men want to serve their wives. They want to be good men. Good husbands. Sometimes they struggle to know what exactly their wives need and want, but they have the desire to meet those needs, whatever they may be.
They also need certain things from their spouse. Without these ‘things’ it is difficult for them to serve well. I’ve written about the need for give and take in marriage before. It’s worth noting here as well.
Any good relationship is built on receiving as well as giving. It’s out of balance if one partner does all the giving (or receiving). It takes this healthy tension to keep things in place.
The problem arises when (because) men don’t know how to express what they really want and need.
Let me make it clear. I am not referring to physical intimacy preferences. That is a small (although important) part of being a couple. There are deeper needs in both men and women.
This is my list (yes, it is only mine but I think it’s worth taking note of) of books I wish every wife would read.
Note: This list is exclusively mine. It doesn’t make it the best list, just my list. They are not listed in any specific order.
In This Article
#1 For Women Only: What You Need To Know About The Inner Lives Of Men
By Shaunti Feldhahn
For Women Only, Revised and Updated Edition: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men
My wife introduced me to Shaunti’s writings several years ago. Since then I’ve read several of her books.
In Brief
The thing I love about Shaunti Feldhahn is her research. Like Brene Brown, she writes from a data-driven perspective. Because the book is based on research, interviews, and data she has gained through years of working with couples.
She includes stories, illustrations, and examples to drive home her research.
What You Will Learn
Here are a few topics covered in the book:
- Respect equals love to most men
- Why his role as provider is so important
- He can’t help that he is wired to be visual
- Physical intimacy is not just about sex; it’s about his emotions.
- Why he probably won’t talk about his fears; but you should know he has them
This is just a sample of what she covers to help couples build a successful marriage.
Why It Should Be On YOUR List
If you’ve ever wondered what your husband would say if he felt liberty and freedom to express himself without judgment or criticism, this book should be on your shelf (in your hands).
While this may not be true of every man, statistically, it is by far what is on most men’s minds.
What Else
You may also want to get the entire collection is this series. It includes the books, For Men Only, For Women Only, and For Couples Only, along with DVD and study guides.
#2 The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work
by John Gottman and Nan Silver
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert
This book was included in our article on 7 Books Every Man Should Read. It makes our book list on a regular basis for good reason.
In Brief
Gottman is also known for his research. These concepts are not personal opinions or empty ideas; they are science-backed truths that create a solid foundation for a strong marriage.
What You Will Learn
This book is based on the seven most important principles that make a marriage successful. The seven principles are:
- Love maps and how to build them
- The importance of fondness and admiration in your marriage
- Stop turning away from each other (and turn toward)
- Partner influence
- Problem solution
- Breaking Gridlock
- Sharing life and meaning
Why It Should Be On YOUR List
This is more than a ‘read it once’ book. I keep this on my shelf as a reference guide when I face a personal issue or deal with couples who are navigating difficult problems.
If you are serious about making your relationship all it can and should be, this is a must-read guide.
Where To Find
#3 How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
by Steven Stosny Ph.D and Patricia Love Ed.D.
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
Women want to talk about the relationship because they’re upset and want to feel better. Men don’t want to talk because talking won’t make them feel better. – from the book
This is the story behind this book – how to make changes in your relationship without violating one another’s basic needs.
In Brief
The theory put forth in this book is that communication (conversation) is NOT the most important thing that makes married couples happy and successful; rather it is connection.
While connection needs communication, it’s important to note the distinction. Communication doesn’t CREATE connection, connection creates communication. Get this right and things go much easier.
What You Will Learn
Some of the big takeaways in this book are:
- How fear and shame is what tears down our conneciton
- Why shaming is the one thing that ruin your relationship faster than anything else
- How to find out what a man is really thinking
- Defining your core values
- The difference in feelings and motivation
- The power love formula and how to use it
- The proper role of physical intimacy that really creates connection
The core lesson is that at the heart of arguments, disappointments, and rejection is the loneliness of being disconnected. This book will guide you to reconnect by helping you understand the difference in conversation and communication.
Why It Should Be On YOUR List
It’s no secret that men and women are different. This difference goes far beyond physical dimensions. There is psychological wiring that is different in men and women. I realize this could be viewed as a sexist statement, but I stand by it. Science and research support it.
When we understand these differences – especially when it comes to conversation – we will work together to reconnect and grow deeper in our relationship.
While you might not agree with everything in this book, it is an important resource to help you understand these differences and how to use this knowledge to make your marriage better.
Where To Find
#4 What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men
by Patrick Morley
What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men
Although this book was written in 1998, it is as relevant today as it was then. Technology has changed, but not human nature. Women still have specific needs. And men have specific needs.
In Brief
Patrick Morley writes with the pen of a psychologist and the heart of a pastor. He discusses the unique challenges men face – temptations, pressure, work, the quest for intimacy, and dealing with childhood issues.
Based on years of working with men from all backgrounds, Morley speaks to women on behalf of the men in their lives.
He begins by exploring a man’s childhood; especially why men and their relationship to their father is the key to understanding them.
Every wife should seek to explore this topic.
What You Will Learn
The book is broken down into three sections.
In the first section, Morley explores what makes a man feel significant, and how pressure, work, and temptations shape his life.
Section two is about a man’s quest for intimacy; his need to feel connected (even though at times he doesn’t know how to express it).
The final section deals with difficulty and why men act the way they do.
Why It Should Be On YOUR List
As I mentioned, this book was written over 30 years ago, but it is still has something to say to women about their husbands.
Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by references to ‘traditional’ gender roles, this book is probably not for you. It is certainly not chauvinistic. Yet because it was written years ago, some of the references and material do not address things and in the same way, they would be spoken about in our current culture.
That said, What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men has a lot to offer women on how men think about relationships.
Where To Find
#5 Understanding The Purpose And Power Of Men
by Myles Munroe
Understanding the Purpose and Power of Men: God’s Design for Male Identity
Before you continue, please note that the use of the word ‘power’ in the title of this book by Dr. Munroe does not imply power OVER a woman (or any person). It simply refers to the incredible deposit of calling and purpose God has placed inside each of us. Since this book delves into the topic of manhood, it is used to imply a man’s unique role (and not that women have no such role).
I mention this because our culture has become overly sensitive about certain words. This book offers men a perspective on what it means (biblically) to be a man.
Dr. Munroe was a gifted communicator and Christian leader. His study and work on God’s purpose for life is significant. This book is one in a series on purpose. He has also written about Understanding The Purpose and Power of Woman. (Amazon link)
In Brief
Dr. Munroe begins with these words:
The twenty-first century male is in crisis…In every culture and social system, men are struggling to find their place in a fast-changing world. In many societies, the dramatic change in the status of women, the workplace, and traditional cultural roles has left a significant number of men confused, disillusioned, angry, frustrated, and traumatized. … They are lost in a maze of new paradigms and the unchartered waters of social and cultural convergence.
I agree. That is why I chose to include this book on the list of books for women (although men should read it first).
It is not a book about marriage. Not necessarily about how men should relate to women. Or even the role of a wife or husband. Rather it is a book about what it means to be a man.
This is why I include it. You can best help your husband be a better man by understanding his calling, nature, and uniqueness.
Don’t get this book to have a better marriage (although it will help). Do not read it to discover how to be a better wife (although it will help). Read it to undertand the man in your life. By understanding him, you will be better equipped to create the marriage you desire.
What You Will Learn
The lessons in this book include:
- The difference between dominion and domination
- God’s uniqueness and purpose for males
- 7 prinicples that release a man to his bigger purpose
- The man’s need to protect and provide
- What it means to be a cultivator
- Several major differences between men and women
Why It Should Be On YOUR List
As a husband, I want to understand my wife (what makes her tick, her uniqueness, gifts and calling, etc). By understanding who she is (as a female and woman) I am better equipped to serve and minister to her.
The same applies in reverse. The more you (as a wife) understand your husband’s masculinity and manhood, the better you will be able to serve and minister to him.
Dr. Munroe was a world leader in helping people discover their identity and uniqueness. This book will be a valuable resource and addition to your library.
Where To Find
Honorable Mentions
Here are a few books I hesitate to mention. Not because they are bad, rather they are books most couples know about. They are the easy picks, so I’ve put them last.
And…in case you haven’t read them, you should.
The Five Love Languages
The 5 Love Languages is as practical as it is insightful. Updated to reflect the complexities of relationships today, this new edition reveals intrinsic truths and applies relevant, actionable wisdom in ways that work.
This book is the landmark case study on understanding HOW your spouse views love and the differences in what makes one person feel loved as opposed to someone else.
Love and Respect
Love and Respect is for anyone: those in marital crisis, the happily married, engaged couples, pastors and counselors, and small groups. This dynamic and life-changing message is impacting the world, resulting in the healing and restoration of countless relationships.
This book has received a lot of criticism in the past few years. It was a focal point in the Southen Baptist convention a few years ago, primarily over how the book addressed two issues: sexual fulfillment and respect.
Many Christian writers (women)n have criticized the book. Others have offered a more balanced view.
It is not my intent to weigh in on the issue. I offer it as an honorable mention on the grounds that it has helped many couples understand each other better. As with any concept or idea, it can be taken to an extreme.
My approach when reading, listening, or watching anything is to ‘eat the fish and throw away the bones.’ Keep what is good and helpful, and discard the rest. It’s the same with this book. There are helpful things in it.
The Naked Marriage
Imagine a marriage with complete intimacy, vulnerability, transparency and trust. Imagine a marriage rooted in faith, friendship and mutual fulfillment. Imagine a marriage with amazing sex, but where great sex is only the icing on the cake. This might all sound too good to be true, but it’s actually what God designed marriage to be, and He doesn’t want you settling for anything less.
If you are looking for a book that delves deep into the issue of physical intimacy, Dave and Ashley Willis have written a best seller. The Naked Marriage is not only about physical nakedness but about being emotionally vulnerable in your relationship.
We recommend this to every couple wanting to develop a more intimate life together.
Final Thoughts On Books on How To Be A Better Wife
As devoted partners, we want to be a better husband or wife. After all, we love our spouse. This implies that we desire to be OUR best so we can have THE best relationship possible.
In this article, we discussed five books on how to be a better wife.
Summary
- #1 For Women Only: What You Need To Know About The Inner Lives Of Men
- #2 The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work
- #3 How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About ItIn Brief
- #4 What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About MenIn Brief
- #5 Understanding The Purpose And Power Of Men
What’s Next?
Here is a list of resources and tools you can use to get back on track and stay on track in your marriage.
Connecting and Communicating
1000 Questions For Couples is designed to help you connect on a deeper level to create intimacy and trust in your relationship.
Relationship Rewrite will help you regain and rediscover the magic and love you once shared.
Physical Intimacy
Respark the Romance helps couples capture passion in their marriage.
Secret Survey is based on the research of Michael Fiore after surveying thousands of men. It is enlightening. Designed for women.
Our Courses and Quiz
We have courses available that will help you grow your marriage relationship and create the marriage you desire and deserve. Visit our course library here.
You can also take our Marriage Quiz to get your marriage score and find practical ways to increase communication, intimacy, and trust in your relationship.
