For husbands who want a better marriage and desire to be the spouse their wife deserves, here’s seven books every man should read.
I’ve often heard that men are generally not readers. I don’t believe it.
If, by chance, you are a man that agrees with that statement, you should re-think your position.
And if you are a husband who doesn’t have a habit of reading, you should cultivate it. You know, the whole ‘leaders are readers’ thing. How can you lead if you aren’t growing and expanding your life.
How can you expand your life if all you do is watch television or play video games?
It’s time to read more. For the sake of your marriage.
Okay!
Rant over.
Here’s seven books every man – every husband – should read but probably hasn’t.
Even if you can’t read all of these in the next few months (or even the next year), pick one and start. You’ll be better for it.
And your marriage will be better for it.
Here’s the List.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – John Gottman
Love and Respect – Emerson Eggerichs
Building Your Mates Self Esteem – Dennis and Barbara Rainey
A Man’s Guide to Women – John Gottman
Marriage on the Rock – Jimmy Evans
Crazy Good Sex – Les Parrott
Every Man’s Marriage – Stephen Arterburn
Let’s take a look at what’s inside to help you choose the one to start your journey with.
Disclaimer: The links to these books are affiliate links. I get a commission if you purchase through my link. The cost to you is not affected. You can read more about our association with Amazon here.
By the way, these are in no specific order. I will, however, give you some insight into each one so you can put them in your reading list order.
In This Article
Number 1: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
John Gottman runs a ‘relationship lab’ in Seattle Washington where they study couples as they interact. He is the professor of psychology at the University of Washington and he’s been researching relationships for over four decades. He is recognized as one of the top 10 most influential therapist for the past 25 years.
In Brief
Gottman focuses on seven principles that couples must have to create a meaningful, lasting relationship. He also discusses the four negative behaviors that will destroy your marriage. In fact, he uses these principles and behaviors to predict success or failure in a marriage with a 91% accuracy.
What You Will Learn
This is not just a book of ideas. Gottman is a researcher, so this (and all his books) have tons of statistical analysis and checklist to help you evaluate your relationship.
One of the biggest takeaways for me was his explanation about the importance of ‘turning toward each other instead of away.’
Because we all have needs we desire our spouse to meet, we often ‘bid for their attention, affection or connection.’ These bids are requests we send either verbally or non-verbally. What we do with the bids our partner sends us determines the health (and direction) of our relationship.
This section (chapter 3) alone is worth reading the book. But it doesn’t stop there.
Each chapter builds on the previous, so you can create a road map to success in your relationship.
Why It Should Be On Your List
The research of the Gottman Institute can help us (as men) understand the emotional side of our marriage. It has exercises that you can do as a couple or individually that will help you have a greater understanding of what your wife needs from you as a husband.
If you want to build a strong foundation for your marriage, you need this book. It will help you understand the building blocks of a healthy relationship.
Where to Find
Click here to check prices on Amazon
Number 2: Love and Respect
Love and Respect is a New York Times best seller. Dr. Eggerich and his wife travel around the country speaking to couples on this subject.
In Brief
This book revolves around three sections Dr. Eggerichs calls ‘Cycles.’
The Crazy Cycle: How miscommunication and misunderstanding each other is destroying relationships.
The Energizing Cycle: How to create openness, intimacy and bonding in our relationships.
The Reward Cycle: Dr. Eggerich’s calls this the most part of the book. It’s about developing unconditional love for your spouse.
What You Will Learn
My favorite section was the most practical; section two – The Energizing Cycle.
He uses two acrostics to the needs of men and women. In a nutshell (don’t let this keep you from reading the entire book because you will miss some great insight if you do).
Women need: COUPLE
Closeness (connection)
Openness (from you)
Understanding (don’t fix, just care)
Peacemaking (lead in making the relationship better)
Loyalty (commitment means more than you think)
Esteem (honor and cherish her)
Likewise, men have needs too. Men need: CHAIRS
Conquest (appreciation for his work)
Hierarchy (appreciation for his protection and provision)
Authority (a desire to serve and lead)
Insight (appreciation for his wisdom and counsel)
Relationship (a need for sharing experiences)
Sexuality (a desire for physical intimacy)
When we understand the differences in men and women, we are better equipped to meet our spouses needs, and communicate our own needs.
Why It Should Be On Your List
This is a classic. It helps men understand and better communicate what they need. Many men haven’t been able to explain what they actually need from their wife. This book will help.
It should be on your list if you want to know more about the key differences in men and women, AND how to meet the needs of your spouse. It will also help you understand yourself better.
Where To Find
Click here to check prices on Amazon
Number 3: Building Your Mates Self Esteem
Dennis and Barbara Rainey run FamilyLife.com where they help couples grapple with tough issues and build strong families.
In Brief
A healthy self esteem is vital for a healthy marriage. Dennis and Barbara Rainey have spent decades helping couples discover how to make their spouse a priority by giving them the tools to build up their partners self esteem.
What You Will Learn
The thing I love about this book is how practical it is. It has checklists, action-points, and homework to help you put the principles in place.
While we are not responsible for ALL of our mates self esteem; because we love them, we should be willing to be the major contributor to their esteem needs.
When we become the primary builder of our spouse, we provide them with security and love. When we are the one that meets their needs, we create an environment of commitment, loyalty and intimacy.
A note about sex: Sex for women begins with security, commitment and appreciation. Make sure she feels valued because this is one of her primary needs.
Why It Should Be On Your List
This one should be on your list if you or your spouse struggles with jealousy, insecurity, or low self esteem.
If you want to win the heart of your spouse, you need to learn the principles outlined in this book.
Where To Find
Click here to check prices on Amazon
Number 4: The Man’s Guide To Women
This is another book by John Gottman (See above for information on his research).
In Brief
I’ve never met a man who felt like they had women figured out. We all struggle at times wondering what our wives really want. Gottman tackles this and gives clear advice (based on his research) about key aspects of relating to women.
He starts off with addresses the real needs, desires and wants of a woman. He reveals the ‘one thing’ all women look for in a man. This alone is worth the read.
Here are the sections of the book:
Understanding a Woman
Dating a Woman
Romancing a Woman
Making Love to a Woman
Living with a Woman
Loving a Woman for a Lifetime
What You Will Learn
He begins the book with a quote from Will Ferrell (of all people):
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color nine!
– Will Ferrell
It’s hard to pick a favorite part of this book. Each chapter offers a wealth of information. Don’t forget, Gottman is a researcher, so he writes with accuracy about what the statistics say on each of these subjects.
For married guys, the section on living with a woman provides some great insights. It builds on the foundation of his book, ‘Seven Principles’ (see above) but addresses issues significant for men.
I always tell people, ‘I married my best friend.’ And I mean it. His section on being best friends forever is a must read for all men.
Why It Should Be On Your List
If you (like the rest of the men on planet earth) want to know more about what women really want and need from you, this book should be at the top of your list. Actually, probably second from the top. After reading both books on this list by Gottman, I think it is good to read the ‘Seven Principles’ book first. It will lay the foundation for this second book and give you a head start putting some of the principles into action.
Where To Find
Click here to check prices on Amazon
Number 5: Marriage on the Rock
Jimmy Evans runs MarriageToday.com. He is currently pastor at Gateway Church in Texas. One of his major focuses is on meeting your spouses needs.
In Brief
Jimmy Evans is considered ‘America’s Marriage Pastor.’ At least he is by me.
His course by the same title is excellent. I would love to require every couple to enroll in it. The second best option is to read this book.
What You Will Learn
This book piggy backs off the course by the same title. Here’s a snapshot of what you’ll find inside:
• How to make marriage a top priority
• How to understand and meet your spouse’s needs
• The different ways men and women communicate
• How to achieve maximum sexual satisfaction
They even have a section for people in their second marriage and raising children.
Why It Should Be On Your List
My wife and I have followed Jimmy for years. The thing I like about his teaching is it is always practical.
I could put it like this. John Gottman approaches things with analytical research. Sure, they have counseled and studied thousands of couples over the years. But their writing is research based.
Jimmy Evans comes from a different angle. He has worked with couples as a counselor, pastor and coach. His insights come from knowing what its like in the trenches.
If you are looking to build your marriage on biblical principles, this is a book you need to read.
Even if you are not a Christian, this book is so practical, you should read it for it’s common sense approach to relationships.
Where To Find
Click here to check prices on Amazon
Number 6: Every Man’s Marriage
Every Man’s Marriage is some-what of a classic. It was one of the first books I read on my journey to be a better husband and man.
In Brief
Stephen Arterburn opens with his personal story of marriage, divorce, remarriage, almost a second failure, to discovering how to make marriage work.
The statement that summarizes the essence of the book is:
‘I talked with more husbands and wives, I heard them say that their marriages improved when the husband sought to do things to please his wife – when he began to allow her personality and convictions to find a place with his in the marriage.’
This reads more like a journal of lessons learned than a ‘preachy, this is how you do it’ book.
What You Will Learn
The book moves like a movie. From what happens when love grows cold [why do things fall apart], to how to build oneness [every woman’s secret desire], to becoming a servant-husband to your spouse.
The thing I enjoyed most was the story-line type writing. As I mentioned above, John Gottman is a researcher. Jimmy Evans is a pastor. Stephen Arterburn writes as the guinea -pig, not the teacher. He shares what he has learned from a life of discovering how to the right kind of man for his wife.
Why It Should Be On Your List
If you like lessons from stories, this book will be a great fit. Stephen is open and honest about his failures and his wins. He challenges men to become servants to their spouse.
This should be on every man’s bookshelf as a reminder that we are here to be a blessing and to serve, not to be served.
Where To Find
Click here to check prices on Amazon
Number 7: Crazy Good Sex
It would seem unfair to men to not include a great book on sex in the mix. So here you go…
You can find out more about Dr.’s Les and Leslie Parrott here.
In Brief
Les and Leslie Parrott have been counseling couples for several decades. To my knowledge, they created one of the first online programs specifically designed for married couples.
This work on sex is one my favorites. Why? Because it’s honest, direct and touches on a few topics that most ‘traditional’ books on marriage don’t cover. It’s tasteful. Encouraging. And full of insights on sexual intimacy.
What You Will Learn
Dr. Parrott talks about six sex myths:
Myth #1: Men want sex more than women
Myth #2: Sex with the same person gets boring
Myth #3: Porn is not addictive
Myth #4: Size matters
Myth #5: The Bible is very clear masturbation
Myth #6: My sex drive is too powerful to control
One thing I appreciate is that Les has a page in each chapter where he talks directly to women. Though the book is written mostly to and for men, he widens the circle and brings wives into the subject.
He also includes some resources for further study.
Why It Should Be On Your List
This should be on the list because it’s about sex.
There. I said it.
Sex is important in marriage. This book deals with the subject in a practical, dignified and healthy way.
In fact, I suggest (recommend) couples read this together.
If you want to have the sex discussion with your spouse and would like a good guideline to get the conversation started, this book should be near the top of your list.
Disclaimer: While sex is vital and important in marriage, keep in mind that women are triggered for sex differently than men. It might be a good idea to start by understanding and appreciating the uniqueness of your wife before you jump right in to the dialog about sex. Just my two cents.
Where To Find
Click here to check prices here
Wrapping It Up
I could expand this list very easily. There is a growing source of great material written for men to help them build the marriage of their dreams.
Books like…
Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage by John Gottman (yes, another Gottman book)
The list could go on and on. But I want to stop with these seven.
Here they are again:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – John Gottman
Love and Respect – Emerson Eggerichs
Building Your Mates Self Esteem – Dennis and Barbara Rainey
A Man’s Guide to Women – John Gottman
Marriage on the Rock – Jimmy Evans
Every Man’s Marriage – Stephen Arterburn
Crazy Good Sex – Les Parrott
I hope you will stock your shelves with these priceless books and begin to read them so you can grow as a husband to be everything your wife desires…
And everything you were made to be as a man.
Here’s to you being the husband your wife always dreamed about.
It’s Your Turn
Have you read any of these books? What was your favorite and why?
What other books have you read that helped you become a better husband?
