Biblical Advice About Marriage Problems: 7 Myths About Solving Marriage Issues

The Bible is a great source of wisdom for couples struggling in their marriage. Unfortunately there are myths surrounding biblical advice about marriage problems. We expose 7 myths that keep them from a healthy marriage.

Tom and Betty were a married couple with some big marriage problems. They had a marriage in crisis mode. They were both Christians and wanted their relationship to work. But they had a lot of misconceptions about what it means to have a Christian marriage.

In this article, we will unpack seven myths that kept Tom and Betty from experiencing the marriage God intended. And kept them locked in a trouble marriage neither of them wanted.

7 Myths About Solving Marriage Troubles

No one wants marital conflict. So why do so many couples experience marriage issues? The problem is not desire. The real problem is how we go about working on our marriage. Or, what we believe about how to fix marriage issues.

In this section, I want to address seven (7) myths about solving marriage problems.

Myth #1: Complicated Issues Can Be Solved With Simple Solutions

I’m not suggesting that fixing your marriage is so complicated you will never figure it out. I am, however, suggesting that that human beings are far more complex than a simple ‘snap together solution.’

I call this the ‘Lego Affect.’ 

Many couples think that if they snap together enough of the right things, their marriage will be better.

Tom was especially guilty of this. He wanted a quick fix. Something he could snap into place and make things better.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. In fact, the result is often of disfigured building that has no resemblance to the marriage you really desire.

Because we are complex creatures with unique desires, gifts, needs, etc., there are no snap on answers to make your marriage everything you want it to be.

As I mentioned above, this doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It simply means we should stop looking for answers that over-simplify the real problems. There is no cookie-cutter solution to marital problems.

We often do this because we either don’t want to do the work to get to know our spouse in a way that helps us minister to their deepest needs, or we think we already know what they need.

In either case, we resort to offering (or trying) a quick fix. This avoids the real issue. To fix deep problems, we must look beyond the surface and work to discover the heart of the matter.

To fix deep problems, we must look beyond the surface and work to discover the heart of the matter. Click To Tweet

Fortunately, there are programs that will help you do this. Our top recommendations are:

Save The Marriage System by Dr. Lee Baucom

Mend The Marriage by Brad Browning

Myth #2: The Goal Of Marital Life Is To Be Happy

I’ve worked with couples enough to realize that underlying many marriage issues is the false premise that happiness is the end goal. 

People often misunderstand when I talk about this. I’m not suggesting that couples remain miserable. Far from it. However, happiness as a goal is incomplete. I encourage couples to seek marriage health. That’s one of the reasons our site is called ‘The Healthy Marriage.’ 

Health is better than happy. Let me explain.

I might feel happy only eating cookies and ice cream every day. But I will not be healthy. And eventually my health (or lack of good health) will take a toll on my life. Then I will experience extreme unhappiness.

If you pursue happiness, you might achieve it, but at what cost? 

Another reason happiness is a bad goal is it is fleeting. What makes you happy today may not make you happy tomorrow.

However, a healthy marriage will always produce joy, peace, and love. These are not merely emotions. They run much deeper than emotions.

 Betty struggled with this at first. When we talked, she mostly related problems to how she felt. She said things like:

• I’m just so unhappy!
• I deserve to be happy again.
• I wish Tom cared about how I felt.

These statements indicated (at least to a degree) that Betty was more concerned about how she felt, than the overall health of their marriage.

When she began to focus on ‘getting healthy’ her perspective changed.

It is an irony of life that the more you try to find happiness, the further from it you get. But, when you seek to love others, give of yourself, and live a healthy life, you find happiness. Click To Tweet

It is an irony of life that the more you try to find happiness, the further from it you get. 

But, when you seek to love others, give of yourself, and live a healthy life, you find happiness.

Myth #3: Behavior Change Is The Key

This myth says that if I do the right things everything will work out. 

While good behavior is important (you certainly will not create a good marriage with bad behavior) it fails to take into consideration the attitude of the heart.

Lawrence Crabb put it this way in his book, ‘The Marriage Builder:’ (Buy on Amazon)

Naive demands that people do what they should invite token external change without real change of heart; There is ore to Christian growth than forcing ourselves to respond as we should.

In other words, even if I do the right thing, my heart may be in the wrong place.

For example, Tom knew Betty like flowers. So when he wanted something from her (manipulation), he would bring her flowers in hopes she would do what he wanted to do.

His actions reeked of insincerity. And Betty knew it. 

She began to despise little things Tom did because she questioned his motives.

The point is, doing the right things isn’t all that’s required to have a good marriage. The motive of the heart is more important than the action.

Myth #4: It’s Psychological Rather Than Spiritual

This one tripped up Tom and Betty. We tend to think of our lives in two dimensions. Our problems are either physical or emotional (psychological). 

Yet the Bible paints a picture of life that is much broader. We are three-dimensional beings. Which means problems can’t easily be stuffed into one of the two categories of physical and psychological. There is a spiritual aspect we must consider.

Let me define what I mean by spiritual. We are made in the image of God. The part of us that connects with God is our spirit. Not our body. While there are those who claim they have seen Jesus (in the flesh), this is not a regular or normal occurrence. 

Generally speaking, it is our spirit that connects with God.

Sin broke that connection. 

I’m not referring to sin in terms of merely ‘doing something wrong.’ Sure, that is part of the definition of sin.

The Bible gives us a bigger picture however. Sin implies all of life is disconnected from God. Which means, nothing is working the way it should work. 

The picture in Genesis chapter 3 of Adam and Eve’s sin is much bigger than eating a forbidden fruit. It shows us life in opposition from God. Life disconnected from its original source. Leaving us struggling to find our way.

So when we approach our problems, we tend to think they are merely physical or psychological. And we discount the spiritual aspect of life.

We think if we can do the right thing, think and feel the right way, we could solve our problems. But many of our problems are sin problems. Again, not sin in the sense of ‘wrong behavior’ but in the sense of being disconnected from God and our original source of life.

For example, our desire to feel better CAN be a sign of selfishness, which is a sin problem, not an esteem issue. I use the word ‘can’ because not every desire to improve our emotional state is bad. But it can be. 

Our desire for a better marriage can even be misguided. 

Do you want a better marriage because you love your spouse and want to connect with them on a deeper level? Or do you want people at your work to be impressed? 

Do you want to honor God by loving your spouse well? Or do you do things for them as a tool to manipulate them to do what you want?

It comes back to motive. But motive can be a sin issue. This puts it in the arena of spirituality. Not psychological.

It wasn’t until Tom and Betty began to see some of their behavior was just plain sinful that they made progress. When they both acknowledged their selfishness (sin), and their unforgiveness (sin) they began to find real solutions to their marriage problems.

The secular mind wants to put all problems in the psychological basket. Until you realize there is a spiritual aspect to life, and you realize some issues are not psychological needs, but rather sinful desires and behaviors, you will not find meaningful solutions to your issues.

An intimate relationship can only occur when a couple realizes the true nature of their marriage, which is spiritual.

Myth #5: If I Just Do The Right Things My Marriage Will Change

I call this focusing on tactics over principles.

A tactic is what you do to work on your marriage. A principle is the underlying belief that drives your behavior.

For example, a tactic to work on your relationship could be to communicate more. So you set up a time and place where you power-down electronics and talk with your spouse. This is not a bad thing. But it is a tactic. 

The most important thing is the principles that drive this tactic. 

If your motive is manipulation and control, no matter how much time you spend talking, it will usually end in frustration.

If your motive is manipulation and control, no matter how much time you spend talking, it will usually end in frustration. Click To Tweet

It’s not that the tactic is wrong. It could be the best strategy to reconnect with your spouse. But most couples focus so much on the tactic (what they are going to do) and they forget about the driving principles that make communication work.

One driving principle is trust. To communicate in a way that allows you to connect on a deep level with your spouse, you must build a foundation of emotional safety. You must trust that your spouse has your best interest at heart and wants the best for you.

If this is missing, no amount of talking with help you connect. Connection happens when there is trust.

At The Healthy Marriage, we offer tactics to help couples connect. But our main focus is on helping them create a safe environment through trust where they can connect without free of rejection and judgment.

Myth #6: (Husband) My Wife Should Just Submit and All Our Problems Would Be Resolved

Sometimes this comes from the wife: If I was just better at submitting, we wouldn’t have all these issues.

While the Bible certainly addresses the issue of submission and headship, we often misunderstand how it applies to marriage. Submission is not about blind obedience. It doesn’t mean that a wife doesn’t have a say in family or household matters.

This can be a very controversial subject, but it is one that comes up often when dealing with Christian couples.

To get a better picture of what scripture means by these terms, let’s see what this means in terms of God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. This may surprise you, but scripture states plainly that Jesus (the Son) was submitted to the Father.

But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.

1 Corinthians 11:3

This verse teaches us many things, but the one big point I want to make is that even though Jesus was submitted to the Father, He was no less God than the Father. His submission wasn’t about His identity, position, or ability. It was about His role.

If we apply this same logic to marriage, it indicates that the wife is no less part of the family than the husband. It means she is not a ‘lesser’ person in the eyes of God (and shouldn’t be in the eyes of her husband). The headship of her husband doesn’t mean she has an inferior identity or position in the family.

It means she has a unique role. It is not about her personhood. It is about her role.

One last thing to mention about this…

I’ve watched husbands use verses about submission, headship, and honoring your spouse in a way that was far more ungodly and unchristian than biblical. I’ve often challenged husbands to focus on what God says about their role instead of what they think their wives role should be.

Scripture is clear the husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.

Ephesians 5:25 NKJV

Christ laid down his life for the church, so husbands should be selfless, giving, and willing to die for their wives. Any husband that treats his wife this way will never have issues of submission, honor, and respect.

Sometimes, men think that being in charge and having authority from means they can make demands. But they’re missing the point of loving leadership, which is what God desires. When we love our wives God’s way, we will give them a sense of security and affirm their identity.

Myth #7: Fix One Thing And Everything Else Falls Into Place

While I do believe if you resolve the big issues in your marriage it makes other issues easier to deal with, we can often assume that we only have one thing to fix. Many times this is not the case.

Marriage conflict is usually the result of many things misaligned in the relationship.

Marriage conflict is usually the result of many things misaligned in the relationship. Click To Tweet

Quick example:

Tom and Betty were on the brink of separating. Tom didn’t want his marriage to fall apart, so he committed to learning how to communicate better.

If you remember myth #4, you will see that Tom was overlooking a huge factor. He was thinking psychological and physical changes could solve all the issues. He believed if he could just learn how to communicate better, things would improve.

He and Betty soon learned that honing communication skills so you can communicate clearly only allowed them to have bigger and better fights. They simply learned how to hurt each other more with their words.

Communication is a big part of a healthy marriage. But learning how to communicate doesn’t always produce a connection. It can actually hurt if your heart is not in the right place.

Marriage health is a lot like physical health. Physical health can’t be reduced to eating better. You also need to move and exercise. Stretch and strengthen muscles. It is not one dimensional.

Neither is marriage. Only improving one area of your relationship can help. But a healthy marriage happens when your total relationship is working properly.

These seven myths kept Tom and Betty from rebuilding their relationship. When they identified the misconceptions, they were able to work together to start the process of restoring their marriage.

Bible Verses For Resolving Marriage Issues

Here is a list of verses that will help couples get a better picture of how to build a biblical marriage. These verses will help you build a healthy relationship.

Bible Verses On God’s Plan For Marriage

4 Love suffers long [and] is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails. But whether [there are] prophecies, they will fail; whether [there are] tongues, they will cease; whether [there is] knowledge, it will vanish away.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. 35 “By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

 John 13:34-35

12 “This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. 13 “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.

John 15:12-13

14 But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. 15 And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.

Colossians 3:14-15

Bible Verses On How Husbands Should Treat Their Wives

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, … 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord [does] the church.

Ephesians 5:25,28-29

3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband [does]. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife [does].

1 Corinthians 7:3-4

7 Husbands, likewise, dwell with [them] with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as [being] heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.

 1 Peter 3:7

Bible Verses On How Wives Should Treat Their Husbands

3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband [does]. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife [does].

 1 Corinthians 7:3-4

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:22-24

10 [Be] kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another;

Romans 12:10 

Final Thoughts On Biblical Advice About Marriage Problems

The Bible teaches that marriage is a sacred institution, and it should be treated as such. Couples should strive to love and respect each other, and they should work together to overcome any difficulties they may face. 

By following the biblical advice about marriage, couples can strengthen their relationship and build a solid foundation for a happy and lasting marriage.

In this article, we discovered 7 myths that keep couples from rebuilding (or building) a strong marriage. A marriage God intends for them. 

Summary

• 7 Myths About Solving Marriage Troubles
  • Myth #1: Complicated Issues Can Be Solved With Simple Solutions
  • Myth #2: The Goal Of Marital Life Is To Be Happy
  • Myth #3: Behavior Change Is The Key
  • Myth #4: It’s Psychological Rather Than Spiritual
  • Myth #5: If I Just Do The Right Things My Marriage Will Change
  • Myth #6: (Husband) My Wife Should Just Submit and All Our Problems Would Be Resolved
  • Myth #7: Fix One Thing And Everything Else Falls Into Place
• Bible Verses For Resolving Marriage Issues
  • Bible Verses On God’s Plan For Marriage
  • Bible Verses On How Husbands Should Treat Their Wives
  • Bible Verses On How Wives Should Treat Their Husbands

What’s Next?