Breaking the Betrayed Spouse Cycle: How to Heal from Infidelity

Are you in an unhealthy cycle of betrayal and mistrust? Discover how to break the Betrayed Spouse Cycle and find healing within your relationship.

According to a study by the American Psychological Association, 1 in 3 marriages in the United States experiences at least one instance of infidelity. This figure is acutally between 20–40% of couples.

A survey by Trustify found that 54% of women and 57% of men admit to cheating at least once in their marriage.

It’s not difficult to see how this impacts marriage.

There is no one response (or one correct response) to infidelity.

When someone discovers their partner has been unfaithful it can be a confusing and emotional time. It is normal to feel overwhelmed, sad, angry and betrayed. These feelings come up because you trusted this person and they have broken that trust.

It is also normal to have lots of questions as well such as: Why did they do it? What will you do next? Will your relationship survive?

But there are no easy answers to these difficult questions. Both parties must work through their own pain in their own way which may involve spending some time apart from your partner or seeking the help of a professional counselor.

Regardless of the response chosen, take care to ensure long-term healing for yourself and your relationships.

One side note before we continue:

It is not fair (or reasonable) for the guilty party to expect their spouse to get over it quickly.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, so when it is violated, there are serious (and often devastating) consequences.

This is not to say it’s impossible for a marriage to heal. It is possible. But it takes a lot of work for both parties.

What Is The Betrayed Spouse Cycle?

Betrayal trauma theory states that interpersonal violations perpetrated by individuals who victims care for, depend on, or trust will be processed and remembered differently than violations perpetrated by individuals with whom the victims do not have a close relationship (Gobin & Freyd, 2009).

Betrayal trauma theory is a psychological concept that suggests that when an individual experiences a violation of trust or betrayal by someone they care for, depend on, or trust, the experience will be processed and remembered differently than if the violation was perpetrated by someone with whom they do not have a close relationship.

This type of betrayal can cause intense emotional pain and distress, leading to feelings of shock, disbelief , and betrayal.

The Betrayed Spouse Cycle is a cycle of behaviors that can occur when one partner has been betrayed by the other. This cycle can include feelings of hurt, anger, mistrust, and fear.

It can also involve attempts to regain control or power in the relationship, such as trying to keep tabs on the other person or becoming overly possessive.

What Are the Emotional Effects Of Discovering Betrayal

The emotional effects of discovering betrayal by your spouse can be devastating. It can cause feelings of shock, anger, sadness, confusion, and even depression.

Betrayal can also lead to a sense of insecurity, mistrust, and fear in the relationship. It can also create a feeling of helplessness and powerlessness as you struggle to make sense of what has happened and how to move forward.

It also often leads to feelings of guilt or shame if you feel responsible for the betrayal in some way.

If you have been betrayed by your spouse, it is possible to break free from the hurt and pain. Before we dig into how this happens, let’s start by understanding the nature of the betrayal cycle.

What Happens In The Cycle?

It’s helpful to understand what happens when you are in the Betrayal Cycle so you can find your way out.

These follow similar patterns of those who are in the grief process. I’ve put these into five steps (each starting with the letter ‘R’ so you can remember them).

This is my breakdown of the stages in the cycle:

1) Realization

This is the stage when you realize your spouse has cheated. It can come about in a number of ways, but the realization hits home that your marriage will never the be the same.

As we will see later, this doesn’t mean it has to end; but it does mean that the dynamic of your marriage is forever alternated. Yet, like a bone that has been broken and reset, your marriage can be stronger if you work through the issues in a healthy way.

2) Reaction

This stage closely resembles the grief process. It, in itself, has various stages.

In a research paper for St. Catherine University, Melinda M. DeGroot lists four responses and reactions someone has when they discover infidelity in their partner.

I list these because it is helpful to understand how they influence our behavior and emotions.

Shock

Many (most) couples experience some form of shock. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the offended spouse say something like:

I thought things were great. We had a great sex life, so why did he cheat?

Whether the ‘belief’ that the marriage was truly good or not doesn’t take away from the fact that most spouses are shocked when they discover the affair.

Anger

Anger is normal. Even expected. Anytime trust is violated, it evokes a strong response.

I find this is the stage where many people get stuck. They either lack the skills to work through their feelings, or they refuse to let go. It’s comfortable holding our rage.

While it is healthy to own your anger, it is also something you eventually need to release. Holding anger is like an avalanche. If you don’t get rid of it, it will come down and bury you in its destruction.

Confusion

Once anger has subsided (or been buried), confusion sets in. This is the stage where questions dominate the conversation.

Usually the victim in the situation wants to know the details. They wonder how this could have happened. What did they do wrong?

Desire To Fix

At this stage, the victim will try anything and everything to make the marriage work. It’s almost as if they go into a mindless behavior that compels them to redo everything that went wrong.

In one sense this is not all bad. But it can be a mask for hiding from the real issues that are underlying in the relationship.

Meet Saundra

When Saundra first realized her husband of 15 years was having an affair, she was broken, hurt and disillusioned. All which are normal emotions when facing betrayal.

After working through the anger she felt, she transitioned to trying to fix the marriage.

To be honest, not all the things she did at this stage were bad. She truly upped her game on trying to make the marriage work.

The downside is she buried a lot of pain and hurt underneath the hard work she was doing to save the marriage. She left a lot of unresolved issues beneath the surface.

Here’s what I mean:

When she was young, she was sexually abused by a relative. This issues never saw the light of day, although it affected her ability to connect sexually.

Through college she dated several boys who were abusive emotionally and psychologically. During this time she learned some behaviors that later impacted her self-esteem, which also affected how she related to the men in her life.

When her husband had an affair with someone in his office, her first reaction was fear and hurt. Then she went into overdrive to make sure she was everything she needed to be so he wouldn’t leave or do it again.

In spite of doing things to make the marriage work, she never dealt with the real issues – fear of being alone, rejection, real forgiveness, and a host of other unresolved factors.

In essence, she used her quest to make the marriage work to hide the real problems. Unfortunately, when we don’t deal with the underlying issues, we can’t find healing for our marriage.

3) Relinquish

At this stage, you discover how to let go and move on.

To be honest, letting go is necessary whether your marriage survives or not. Forgiveness is as much about you releasing the weight of what happened so you do not carry it around the rest of your life.

This process is not easy. In fact, we are working on a course to help people know how to forgive and let go of trauma in their life. You can check our toolkit and online academy to see if it is available.

Letting go is an essential part of the healing process.

It means dealing with what happened and feeling your emotions without judging yourself or trying to figure out why it happened. It’s about accepting that things are different now and learning to live with the new reality.

Letting go also means not holding onto any negative feelings you have towards your spouse, even though they’ve made a mistake. Holding on to those feelings isn’t going to make the situation any better – in fact it will make things worse.

That’s why it’s essential to take some time for yourself during this process. Spend time focusing on your own needs in order to start letting go and healing from the hurt that was caused by infidelity in your relationship.

Do things that will help you feel better like talking with friends, taking time for yourself and engaging in activities that make you feel relaxed.

Focusing on strategies like letting go can put you back in control of how you feel about what happened and help emotionally heal more quickly so you can move forward with a healthier relationship than before.

Suggested: 7 Books On Forgiveness In Marriage

4) Recover

The recovery stage comes as a direct result (and in parallel) with your ability to let go and forgive.

What do we mean by ‘recover?’ It can mean different things to different people, but the heart of the issue is the ability to regain what you lost. Not merely in terms of your marriage, but your sense of identity, security, and emotional health.

It is the point you reach when you recapture (and refuse to let the situation steal) the rest of your life.

Things like emotional security, self-esteem, or trust in your relationship need to be rebuilt if things are ever going to get better.

First, it’s important to talk about how you’re feeling.

This means talking with your spouse about the hurt caused by their actions.

Second, it also means talking to people that you trust – maybe family members or friends – so that you have support while you’re coping with what happened.

5) Restoration

Restoration after an affair is like a bone that has been set after being broken. It will take time, patience and care to heal it but eventually the two pieces can be made whole again.

What is Restoration After an Affair?

Restoration after an affair means rebuilding a relationship that has been damaged after someone was unfaithful. It is like setting a broken bone, where it needs to be put back in place before it can heal and be strengthened again.

For couples going through this process, the healing takes time and patience. It’s not just about apologies or expressing love, but also about fixing the things that caused the original hurt. This means taking responsibility for what happened, being honest and open with your partner, and showing them that you will do anything to make up for the wrong you have done.

How Can You Unify?

Unifying emotionally can take a lot of effort from both partners: understanding each other’s feelings, opinions, ways of seeing things; forgiving the wrongs of each other; accepting responsibility for past mistakes; building trust again so both parties can act with security and fidelity.

To reunite in an intimate way requires communication, receptivity towards each other’s needs, and commitment to maintain a healthy relationship from now on.

How Does Affection Grow Again?

Affection grows again as companions understand how damage affects all areas of their lives, work on coping through communication and collaboration using new approaches such as therapy or marriage guidance counseling.

Trying small gestures to express desire – like thinking of your partner first when doing something nice – often helps restore affections between two people who had committed themselves to each other before they were hurt by betrayal or any other circumstance that made them estranged.

What Does Restoration Offer?

When restoration is accomplished carefully it offers couples new strength and ability to handle future challenges that may arise together in their relationship.

It indicates transformation – that although things will never be the same as they were before affliction transpired – no longer will vulnerability need negotiation in order to form stability as a pair.

How To Break The Betrayed Spouse Cycle

It is common for a betrayed spouse to feel hurt and confused following an affair. To help them break the betrayer spouse cycle, there are certain steps that can be taken.

1) Focus on expressing feelings honestly and openly.

Even if those feelings seem overwhelming or painful, pushing them away will not make them go away. Instead, by taking the time to acknowledge what you are feeling, you’re more likely to be able to process and work through your emotions.

2) Rely on supportive friends or family members.

You need people who can provide a nonjudgmental ear and emotional support during this difficult time. Don’t try to face recovery from an affair alone—seeking outside support is an important step in the healing process.

3) Explore any potential underlying issues in the relationship that could have led to the affair.

Discuss possible solutions with your partner truthfully but without blame or accusation. It’s also wise for both parties involved to determine what boundaries need to be implemented going forward so as not repeat any issues within that caused the affair in the first place.

4) Engage in self-care activities.

These could be things like— mindfulness exercises or energy healing practices like Reiki —that promote inner peace and well-being while calming negative emotions caused by betrayal trauma. Self-care is essential since it helps betrayed spouses feel empowered and opens their minds so they may gain new perspectives on their relationships moving forward.

5) Create positive experiences together with your partner.

This is a way of helping rebuild trust while strengthening bonds within your relationship once again. This will give you something new that both of you can enjoy together and focus on rather than dwelling on past mistakes.

Together these five steps have proven effective for allowing many betrayed spouses to break free from their betrayal cycle successfully!

The Goal of Finding Freedom

Jeni Woodfin (LMFT) offers four benefits of working through the betrayal cycle. She calls these the ‘After Betrayal Spouse Cycle.’

Here’s my take on her four benefits; I’m rephrasing:

• They become more authentic and more engaged in the marriage
• They realize they now have the tools to deal with other major relationship issues.
• They know they have the ability to recover from trauma and crisis. You can’t under-estimate the value of this in your personal growth.
• They often discover they have more confidence to take control of their life instead of being a passive bystander.

In other words, going back to my analogy of a broken bone, it’s possible to grow stronger and have a great marriage in spite of what happened.

FAQ

Here are the most frequently asked questions concerning this process of rebuilding after infidelity.

Is it really possible to heal and restore a marriage after an affair?

Yes. Absolutely. But I don’t want you to think it will be a walk in the park. Rebuilding after an affair is a hard road. Yet, there are many couples who have worked through their issues and fallen in love again. So it is possible.

Where Should I Start?

There are several things you can do to begin the journey of restoration. First, reread this article so you understand the stages of rebuilding.

Once you are secure in this knowledge, these steps can help you start your journey.

#1: Get personal counseling

This is an absolute essential for working through deep issues. There is a lot behind the surface when any couple goes through hard times; this is double for those who deal with infidelity. It takes a skilled professional to help you work under the surface so you can experience true healing.

#2: Save The Marriage System

We did a review of Dr. Lee Baucom’s program here. This is our #1 recommendation for couples in marriage crisis. It provides a step by step game plan for rebuilding your marriage.

If this program is not a good fit, there are others listed below. The main thing is to get a program to help you know what to do next. This is where too many couples get stuck; they don’t know the next step.

Each of these programs offer excellent advice and help for couples in crisis.

Mend The Marriage by Brad Browning

Journey To Trust

Marriage Max by Morte Fertel