There are many benefits of forgiveness in marriage. In this article, we discuss 7 reasons, as well as the over-arching benefits of making forgiveness a habit in your relationship.
I recently thought about the story of the man who had gone to prison for a crime he didn’t commit. He spent decades incarcerated. Separated from his family and friends.
At one point, he wrote to his wife telling her it was okay if she decided she couldn’t wait for him. He understood it would be a long time before he saw her or the children. In fact, they would be grown by the time he was released.
When finally released and allowed to go home he wasn’t sure what to expect. He didn’t know if his wife had moved on and remarried, or if the children would want to see him.
His last letter to her explained he was out of prison and would come home. If she wanted to see him, all she had to do was tie a yellow ribbon around the oak tree that was in their front yard.
If he didn’t see the yellow ribbon, he would not bother her. He would leave and not return.
As his bus pulled around the corner toward his old house, to his surprise he saw, not one, but hundreds of yellow ribbons tied to the tree.
I realize this story may seem out of context with the idea of forgiveness. This man’s story is not about being forgiven, but about being accepted.
I think forgiveness is like that. It’s about acceptance.
This post contains some affiliate links to products that I use and love. If you click through and make a purchase, I’ll earn a commission, at no additional cost to you. Read my full disclosure here.
It is no coincidence we use terms like burden, weight, and heavy to describe heartache, betrayal, and emotional wounds. They can literally weigh us down.
According to a study done at Erasmus University, carrying burdens like these instead of letting them go (through forgiveness) has a physical effect on our abilities. An article in Readers Digest presents it this way:
Researchers at Erasmus University in the Netherlands asked people to write about a time when they either gave or withheld forgiveness. The human guinea pigs were then asked to jump as high as they could, five times, without bending their knees. The forgivers jumped highest, about 11.8 inches on average, while the grudge holders jumped 8.5 inches—a huge difference and a startling illustration of how forgiveness can actually unburden you.
There is a little known secret of connecting with your spouse on a deep, intimate level. This little known formula for bonding and creating a close relationship with your spouse is not complicated or confusing. >> Click here to learn how <<
Another interesting research fact is couples who make a habit of forgiving each other experience a longer and more satisfying romantic relationship. (Source)
Some researchers also believe people who easily forgive (and don’t carry the weight of resentment and unforgiveness) live longer lives.
Besides the physical and emotional health benefits alluded to above, here are 7 practical benefits of forgiving your spouse regularly.
Before we delve into the topic, it’s important to note that forgiveness doesn’t mean we become a doormat for others to walk on. It is not ‘letting people go’ without consequences.
This short video from Fearless Soul is a great introduction to the benefits of forgiving others.
1) Forgiveness Makes Sure You Keep Short Accounts With Your Spouse
One of the damaging things that happen in a marriage is letting hurts, disappointments, and wounds mount up. One offense is stacked on another and before long, there is a mountain you have to climb to reconnect and build trust in your relationship.
When we practice forgiveness on a daily (regular) basis we are keeping the record clean and our list short. This allows us to move forward (and move on) when we experience disappointment.
In years of talking with couples, one thing I’ve discovered is those couples that talk daily and confess their mistakes quickly, are the ones who have a deeper, more satisfying marriage.
2) Forgiveness Helps Us Affirm Our Trust, Love, and Acceptance Of Our Spouse
When we forgive our spouse, we affirm our love, trust, and acceptance of them. We let them know their mistake is not a defining moment in our relationship.
This is important. If we allow our partner’s missteps to determine the outcome of our marriage, we run the risk of piling up offenses that ultimately unravel our connection.
It’s important to keep the context of this in mind. We are not talking about chronic bad behavior or consistent neglect. These principles apply to those where both parties are working to create a marriage that is genuine and loving.
Take the Marriage Quiz and discover your marriage score and get suggestions on how to improve your relationship. You will also be sent the results of your quiz along with suggestions on how to create the marriage of your dreams. >> Take The Quiz Now <<
Recent studies have shown that forgiveness is an essential component of successful romantic relationships. In fact, the capacity to seek and grant forgiveness is one of the most significant factors contributing to marital satisfaction and a lifetime of love.
4) Offering Forgiveness Is An Acknowledgement That Your Spouse Is Human
This doesn’t mean we excuse abuse, criticism, or being treated badly. If this is a chronic problem, please read this article. It will help you understand underlying anger issues in your spouse, as well as give you a practical plan to deal with them.
The bottom line: If you are in an abusive relationship, get out, and get help. If your spouse is negative and mean, get the tools you need to deal with them.
If, however, you are in a relatively healthy relationship that is occasionally plagued by mistakes and missteps, offering forgiveness is a way you can acknowledge your partner is human.
Let’s face it, our humanity often interfere with what we want to become. We sometimes say things we don’t mean to say or act in ways that contradict the person we want to be. While we should always seek to be better, it is affirming when our spouse forgives us for these ‘life incidents.’
It is a way of saying, ‘I know you are human, and I love you for it!’
“Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.”
This goes along with the previous point but expands into the psychological benefits of forgiveness.
When we offer forgiveness, we are offering release from shame.
We know (unless you are narcissistic) when we hurt someone. This generally results in a feeling of shame and guilt. We feel bad about what we did that hurt someone else.
Forgiveness is the path to redemption. It is the doorway we offer that releases our partner from that guilt and shame.
Without this release, shame becomes a stone in your emotional shoe. To better understand this concept, watch this video called, ‘Is There A Stone In Your Soul?’ and read this article asking the question, ‘Are You The Problem?’
6) Our Heart Needs Forgiveness
I say this quite literally. Studies show that heart problems are linked to anger, resentment, and unforgiveness.
When people are reminded of grudges, their heart rate and blood pressure can increase. Forgiveness, on the other hand, has been linked to better heart health. Plus, you’ll sleep better when you let bygones be just that. But keep in mind you can’t fake it: Researchers believe that the health benefits associated directly with forgiving apply only to emotional, not decisional, forgiveness.
There are little known keys and principles for communcating in a way that makes you feel bonded and close to your spouse. We cover them in our Communication Bootcamp. >> Click here to learn more <<
We deal with things before they get out of hand. Forgiveness allows us to let go and move forward in our relationship.
They discuss the difference in opposition and cooperation type communication.
(The research determined) direct opposition is beneficial when serious problems need to be addressed and partners are able to change but can be harmful when partners are not confident or secure enough to be responsive. In contrast, cooperative communication involving affection and validation can be harmful when serious problems need to change, but may be beneficial when problems are minor, cannot be changed, or involve partners whose defensiveness curtails problem-solving.
In laymen’s terms, when the conflict is bad, you need to address it head-on and be clear, concise, and direct. When the conflict is minor, you should be loving, accepting, and affectionate.
If we apply this to forgiveness (when minor issues are involved), the more forgiving we are, the easier it is to maintain and healthy, positive relationship.
Other studies also indicate positive effects between forgiveness and marital outcomes emerged (how happy couples over time).
Final Thoughts On The Benefits Of Forgiveness In Marriage
In this article, we looked at seven benefits of forgiveness in marriage. While consistently excusing misbehavior (bad actions and negative attitudes) can be damaging to a relationship, failure to forgive can also have severe consequences.
Learning when to forgive and how to forgive is important. Realizing the benefits of letting go can help you move forward in your marriage
Summary
Here is a brief recap on the 7 benefits of forgiving those you love.
To get more help creating the marriage you desire and deserve, check out these resources:
The Healthy Marriage Quiz If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.
The Healthy Marriage Toolkit Books, Courses, Programs and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.
Five Simple Steps Marriage Course Marriage doesn’t have to be complicated. In this 5 part mini series you’ll discover practical steps to redesign your marriage.
Healthy Marriage Courses Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.
Want To Take Your Marriage To The Next Level With One-On-One Mentoring? We use Prepare/Enrich assessment to help couples create the marriage of their dreams.
Click here to learn more
If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.
