Every marriage has its ups and downs, and experiencing conflict and disagreements is inevitable. Some couples manage to work through these challenges and remain happily married. Others do not.
When a marriage is on the rocks, it may be difficult to pinpoint exactly why the couple is unhappy, but there are certain behaviors that may be helping to drive the wedge further between the two partners.
These negative habits are so entrenched and seemingly harmless, that many couples don’t even realize one or both spouses are guilty of them. There are many bad habits that can ruin a good marriage, but these are the worst of the worst.
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Bill Hwang was one of the wealthiest men on Wall Street. He is the founder of Archegos Capital Management that boasted a portfolio estimated at over $100 billion in assets. He silently grew his investments over the decades only to have the collapse almost overnight.
Financial guru Mike Novogratz said this about Hwang.
“I’ve never seen anything like this — how quiet it was, how concentrated, and how fast it disappeared. This has to be one of the single greatest losses of personal wealth in history.”
What went wrong?
A few things came into play that caused his fortune to dwindle.
He made too many risky bets.
Limited oversight of his investments.
Bank loans based on his reputation instead of sound business practices.
The reason I start with this story is it is a classic case of bad habits. Hwang developed bad investing habits. He lost sight of basic financial principles and started basing his business on greed and guts. And it all came crashing down.
The same thing happens in marriages. Couples lose sight of what marriage is all about. They forget the basic principles of communication, connection, and trust. The result? Their relationship implodes.
That’s why we list the top bad habits (there are more, but these are ones we see the most) that destroy relationships.
In This Article
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Relationships can be complicated. It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day routine, and before you know it, you’re stuck in a rut. Sometimes people need a little push or reminder to break out of such bad habits that can ruin your relationship.
The first step is recognition – seeing the problem for what it is.
We found these eleven habits top the list of most common – and most destructive.
Habit #1: Criticism
When it comes to bad marriage habits, no one habit is necessarily worse than another. That said, one habit that can quickly pit you and your partner against one another is criticism.
Criticism can take many forms: calling your spouse names, playing the “what if” game, and threatening divorce are all forms of criticism. When you and your partner learn to nip criticism in the bud, you’ll have a better chance of improving your marriage in the long run.
While it is true that sometimes a spouse needs to point out when he or she is not happy with something a partner does, all too often criticism becomes a weapon to hurt a spouse and to turn the other person into a scapegoat for all that is wrong in the marriage.
Being negative and finding fault with your partner or relationship is toxic to any relationship. It plants seeds of doubt, resentment, and anger. It also causes the recipient of criticism to feel bad about themselves and withdraw from the relationship.
Criticism is often disguised as feedback, and it makes the giver feel like they’re doing a good job.
Actually what we are really saying when criticizing our spouse or children – no matter how subtle- is that their opinion does not count for anything because I know better than them about everything! Criticizing your partner can lead to self-doubt in one another’s abilities which will eventually erode any sense of security you have left with each other…
It also doesn’t help if criticism sounds harsher than helpful– remember every word matters during an argument so keep those things said softer rather harder words come out such anger, insults, nagging, etc.
Habit #2: Condescension
A bad marriage habit is one that grows over time and can be hard to break. One of these habits is condescension.
Condescension is when one spouse seems to always think that they are right and the other spouse is wrong. In other words, the condescending spouse is always right and looks down on their spouse.
Condescension is a bad marriage habit that can lead to divorce. It is a common (and bad) marriage habit for a husband or a wife to treat the other like they are stupid. The problem is that this leads the other spouse to feel disrespected, which only leads to more problems.
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This puts the other spouse into a defensive posture which results in increased conflict unless there is an honest attempt to clarify what was wrong. There are ways to make this clearer and stop this as quickly as possible.
Habit #3: Shaming
Shaming your spouse, no matter how justified you feel, is never a good idea. It can do serious damage to your relationship, making you both less likely to share your feelings in the future. It also creates a cycle of fear and resentment. Each time your spouse acts in a way you don’t like, you begin to think they are going to leave you — and you might push them to leave, through your own bad actions.
Shaming your partner or your kids is never a great idea. But the truth is that many of us have a habit of shaming when we’re angry or upset. Sometimes it’s because of a situation that’s hard to explain, such as when your guy forgets to take out the trash again, or when your daughter does poorly on a test.
Shaming is usually most frequent in the heat of the moment, when your mind is flooded with emotions that don’t give you a lot of room to think rationally. But the truth is that it’s never a good idea to shame someone else, even if you’re frustrated or upset.
Shaming is damaging on many levels. It can make your spouse feel like they’re not good enough or that they don’t deserve any respect. It can also make them act out in ways that hurt you — for instance, if your husband is late to pick up the kids, he might decide to stay home and watch a bad rerun of television instead, leaving you and the kids home alone.
Another problem with shaming is that it feels good in the moment, but it doesn’t work. When you shame your partner or child, they often just respond by acting even worse than before.
This can lead to resentment, distance, and, ultimately, divorce.
Taking your spouse for granted is a bad marriage habit that can lead to a lot of problems in your marriage. It is easy to fall into this bad marriage habit, but it is also easy to break out of it.
Taking your partner for granted is dangerous because it can lead to feelings of resentment on both sides. This is a bad marriage habit that will lead to problems down the line.
The first step towards breaking this bad marriage habit is to give your spouse some appreciation and validation for all they do for you every day.
Deep down, we know that our spouses are an important part of our lives. It’s just that sometimes, it can be hard to see it. Don’t wait for your spouse to appreciate you before you start doing things for them. Take the initiative and begin expressing your gratitude now instead of waiting.
Love is a two-way street, and when you do something nice for your partner, they are more likely to treat you better.
Think of ways you can show appreciation and honor to your spouse. Make a list and keep it handy so you can remind yourself of the things that will make your marriage rich.
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Habit #5: Failing To Validate
Do you take your partner for granted? It’s a bad habit that can destroy your marriage.
The problem is that we have been trained to think that showing our appreciation or praise is only for positive things that have happened. However, many of us do the same for negative things that have happened. This is a bad habit that actually makes things worse in the long run.
Sometimes, we don’t even notice ourselves doing it. Tell your spouse to pay attention to how often they tell you how great you are. You might be surprised by how many times you can do this in a week.
Many people in a bad marriage take their partner for granted. They don’t tell them how much they appreciate them or how much they love them. This leads to a failing marriage.
Habit #6: Withholding Affection
Do you take your partner for granted? It’s a bad habit that can destroy your marriage.
Validation is a simple concept of saying what you appreciate and feel good about in your relationship.
The problem is that we have been trained to think that showing our appreciation or praise is only for positive things that have happened. However, many of us do the same for negative things that have happened. This is a bad habit that actually makes things worse in the long run.
Sometimes, we don’t even notice ourselves doing it. Tell your spouse to pay attention to how often they tell you how great you are. You might be surprised by how many times you can do this in a week.
Many people in a bad marriage take their partner for granted. They don’t tell them how much they appreciate them or how much they love them. This leads to a failing marriage.
Withholding affection can be deliberate (we will talk about this next) or accidental. In either case, if it becomes a habit, it will undermine the intimacy of your relationship.
There is a feeling of loneliness, isolation, and loss as a result of not being in a loving relationship. The reason for this is simple – when you withhold affection from someone, not only do they not feel loved, but they also start to feel resentful and angry.
But when you show the people you love that you care about them, they in turn are more likely to show their love for you.
Physical needs are not ignored in a healthy relationship. In fact, these physical needs often lead to the healing of past hurts and the creation of new bonds. As such, physical needs are ignored when there is an attempt to build trust and intimacy.
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According to Jeremy Brown [Fatherly.com], since both partners are often engrossed in the day-to-day commitments of work and family, it’s easy to let intimacy slip in a marriage. However, avoiding physical contact, even small movements such as hand-holding or light touches can sow doubt. A spouse may wonder if their partner is still attracted to them or even interested in them if there is no physical link. Intimacy can be felt in other ways like a goodnight kiss or a smile from across the room to let the other person know they are still seen and desired.
I mention this separate from #6 because it goes deeper than merely withholding affection. It is more intentional than merely putting affection on the sideline.
When you use sex (or lack of it) as punishment, you are taking something meant to be exclusive for your relationship and turning it into a weapon of manipulation.
If you love your spouse, their happiness should come before anything else.
Physical intimacy is designed to connect you on a deep level. It is not intended to be a bargaining chip or to be used to control your partner.
Sex is often thought of as only being used for procreation, but that’s not the point behind it.
The goal of sex is not just to have babies, but rather it’s about sharing love and showing affection for one another in a way that can’t be expressed through any other way. Sex is meant to make us and our partners feel closer together sexually, emotionally, and physically.
The use of sex as a weapon weakens the emotional connection that two people have with each other.
Habit #8: Lying and Keeping Secrets
Secrets in a marriage can come from different motivations – escaping responsibility, wanting to keep safe, or wanting to control.
Those tiny little secrets are quiet and deceptive. They creep up on you without even you realizing it, until one day you are pulled out of your daily life by this massive bursting secret that is now revealed.
When we lie to our partners, we are telling them that their trust isn’t important enough for us to keep our word.
One area we see this often concerns finances. Money never has been a popular topic to discuss. Couples can disagree on how to spend their money, where to put their money, and what they want in life. When couples disagree about finances and the relationship is not strong enough to discuss finances and resolve issues, secret spending and lying about the amount of money being spent may come into play.
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There is no excuse for lying or keeping secrets about anything. Your partner should be your strongest ally, your best friend, your confidant throughout your life.
Lying destroys trust. It allows you to keep things from each other that should probably be discussed openly between the two of you.
Think of it this way: Lying leads to more lies, which leads to more arguing and hurt feelings because either you cannot trust someone or you are afraid that you can’t.
When we keep secrets from our spouses, we are leading our partners on with false stories about life, finances, or ourselves. This is a bad habit that will eventually destroy your relationship.
Secrets also increase resentment towards your spouse and make them feel as if they don’t know what’s really going on in the relationship. It causes confusion and conflict in the home.
Habit #9: Pornography
Another habit that destroys intimacy and trust in a relationship is pornography. An addiction to porn upsets the balance and harmony of marriage. It represents broken trust.
When you violate trust in your marriage, you are ultimately choosing to take away the love that your spouse should have with you.
Pornography may look like an innocent act but just like any other habit, it has evolved into an addiction which creates chaos in relationships and eventually destroys them.
Pornography is self-serving. It creates a false sexual image of yourself and gives it to your spouse. It creates a reason to cheat on your spouse, have affairs, or be unfaithful.
In addition, pornography destroys the trust that should exist between married couples. It destroys the love that makes marriage beautiful and sacred.
It is an addiction which can quickly turn into an obsession and then eventually destroy a person’s life. Pornography is self-serving because it ignores all moral values in favor of the pleasure that it brings – turning reality into fantasy.
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Habit #10: Failure To Fight Fair
Every relationship has differences. Sometimes these differences cause conflicts that evolve into fights.
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Healthy marriages know how to fight fair.
I’ve always been a boxing fan. Before each fight, the referee tells the fighters the rules of the fight. No biting. Eye gouging. Or hitting below the belt.
These help keep the fight fair.
There are rules for marital conflict as well. Here are a few to keep in mind when you disagree with your spouse.
Rule #1: Never use sarcasm. Some people think that it is okay to say something sarcastic as long as they don’t mean it. However, even if you are just joking around, sarcasm can be hurtful and offensive.
Rule #2: Don’t interrupt when someone is talking. It may seem like we are paying attention, but we are not. Stop and listen to the other person carefully before you respond so you know what they are saying and how to respond to them correctly.
Rule #3: Show respect for your partner by actively listening while they speak instead of planning what you are going to say next or worrying about what is going on at work or with your children at home.
Rule #4: Speak to each other as a couple instead of to your partner as if they weren’t there. The only person who really knows what is going on in a marriage is the spouse that is there. Instead of critiquing and correcting, try listening to your partner with empathy and giving them the benefit of the doubt.
I’m sure you’ve heard this statement. When someone focuses on insignificant issues and avoids the big ones, we say they are ‘majoring on minors.’
A healthy marriage is one where priorities are clear. One of the worst bad habits is paying too much attention to small issues and ignoring the big ones.
What does it mean to major on minors?
It means concentrating on the small issues and allowing them to create bigger problems instead of resolving the big problems. They are the ones that will be your stressors in life.
The small things will disappear, but not if you’re constantly bringing them up. Focus on what is really important and let the little things go. It’s okay to forgive a spouse that makes a mistake. It’s even okay to correct those mistakes if they are harming your relationship or causing problems, but don’t make it a habit that causes more conflict in your relationship.
The small things often lead to bigger arguments. If you are both working on getting along, then the little things shouldn’t be a major problem. It doesn’t mean that you should accept bad behavior or tolerate your partner when they are angry, but let those little issues go – just don’t allow them to become grudges. When they happen, find a compromise or forgiveness if necessary.
Final Thoughts on Bad Marriage Habits
The person you are today is the result of the actions that you have accumulated over the years, including bad habits and good ones alike. In essence we are the sum total of our habits.
Struggling marriages happen because of bad marriage habits.
Earlier I told the story of Bill Hwang, the billionaire investor. His life unraveled because he failed to pay attention to the little things. He developed habits over time that caused him to take risk he never should have taken. In the end, he lost is fortune.
Many couples begin well. They love one another and desire to create a wonderful life together. Yet, because of bad habits, they destroy the foundation of their relationship.
We have resources available to help you create the marriage you desire and deserve.
The Healthy Marriage Quiz If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.
Five Simple Steps Marriage Course Marriage doesn’t have to be complicated. In this 5 part mini-series, you’ll discover practical steps to redesign your marriage.
Marriage Communication Bootcamp Communication issues do not have to wreck your relationship. Our communication bootcamp will equip you to connect on a deeper level and cultivate skills to help you relate more effectively.
The Healthy Marriage Toolkit Books, Courses, Programs, and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.
Healthy Marriage Academy Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.
If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.
