Many couples struggle with intimacy in marriage.
For some it’s an issue of trust. Others just let life get in the way.
Either way, romance diminishes and intimacy fades.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
In this article I address the final 5 reasons sexual intimacy can be the bridge to a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.
This is Part 2 of the Mini-Series ‘The Importance of Sex in Marriage.’
This post contains some affiliate links to products that I use and love. If you click through and make a purchase, I’ll earn a commission, at no additional cost to you. Read my full disclosure here.
In the first installment we saw: [Read Part 1 Here]
#1 The physical connection helps you bond on an emotional level.
#2 It’s a way of accepting each other unconditionally.
#3 It is the ultimate expression of openness.
#4 It celebrates your partner.
Let’s pick it up from there…
#5 It keeps romance intact.
Clinical psychologist Andrea Macari says:
“Regular sex actually increases sexual desire in the couple. In other words, the more you ‘do it,’ the more the individuals will seek it. You develop a desire taht wasn’t normally there. The act itself is reinforcing.”
Sex keeps romance alive.
This theme is repeated in each of these 9 points. You become ‘fluent’ in your partners love language by engaging with them intimately.
The Fallacy of Abstinence in Marriage
You’ve heard the adage: Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
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It’s true on a level. Yet Doug Brown disagrees (he’s not the only one) when it comes to sexual intimacy in marriage. Remember Doug’s story? His wife gifted him with ‘sex for a year.’ It was his 40th birthday gift from her. They wrote a book about it and share the impact it had on their lives and marriage. [Find it on Amazon]
He states:
“It should be possible for any couple to do it for a week and for it not to be a chore. It’s free and it’s fun. Why not plan it and take advantage of it? Anticipation is a big part of sex.”
I’m not suggesting you make a commitment to make love daily for a year (or even a month). Everyone’s clock and libido is different.
I am suggesting that we often miss the obvious.
Physical intimacy can be a doorway to deeper emotional and spiritual connection.
Physical intimacy can be a doorway to deeper emotional and spiritual connection. Share on X#6 It feels good.
Pleasure is important for bonding.
When we experience physical pleasure with our spouse, it releases endorphines that cause us to bond on a deeper level.
I need to speak bluntly…
Sex feels good.
If it doesn’t, something is wrong.
I believe God created sex as a special covenant right that bonds couples. It’s special and important.
I believe God created sex as a special covenant right that bonds couples. It's special and important. Share on XI’ll talk more about how it reduces stress and gets our brains in sync later; the main point here is that sex is designed to feel good.
Again, if it doesn’t, something is wrong.
I’ll keep this brief, but here are few reasons sex may not feel good.
1. Emotional trauma.
If you’ve been violated in the past, this can affect your intimacy quotient.
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2. Baggage from the past.
Some people struggle with past events that keep them from enjoying sex.
It’s a fact that our past shapes a lot of our worldview. But it doesn’t have to ruin life. I’ve often suggested that couples get individual counseling to deal with personal issues in their past that are impacting their marriage.
Your marriage is the most important ‘human’ relationship you have. Guard it and protect. And don’t all anything – especially your past – spoil it.
3. Biological issues.
There is a broad spectrum of hormonal issues that can impact sex and sexual desire.
4. Physical problems.
If sex is painful, or unpleasant, it could be due to a physical problem. There are many causes of this. It’s best to see your OBGYN to find out why sex is not enjoyable.
5. Psychological interference.
In my opinion (and from my limited perspective) most sex problems in marriage fall into this category.
Psychological interference occurs when there are issues of trust, fear or disdain in the relationship.
For example, if there are connection problems in the relationship because you don’t trust your spouse, it will diminish your desire for sex.
If you feel contempt for your spouse, more than likely you will not want to be intimate.
6. Relationship Interference
Sometimes loss of interest in one partner can be a signal another relationship is interferring. Whether it be an affair (or an attraction), drastic changes in your relationship CAN indicate deeper problems are brewing.
Note: This is not always the case. Please don’t jump to conclusions and accuse your spouse of something because you are insecure. In my opinion, this is rare, but it does happen.
These issues can impair sexual fulfillment in your marriage.
If sex doesn’t feel good, find out why and work on getting help in that area.
#7 Sex Relieves Stress
Fifty-eight (58) middle aged women were studied over a period of 36 weeks. Physical affection, sexual activity, stress, and moods were evaluated. [Source]
The findings?
There are little known keys and principles for communcating in a way that makes you feel bonded and close to your spouse. We cover them in our Communication Bootcamp. >> Click here to learn more <<
We determined that physical affection or sexual behavior with a partner on one day significantly predicted lower negative moods and stress and a higher positive mood on the following day. – study source is ncbi.nlm.nih.gov Share on X‘We determined that physical affection or sexual behavior with a partner on one day significantly predicted lower negative moods and stress and higher positive mood on the following day.”
Other studies show that women ‘exhibited less of a stress response after ‘positive physical contact’ with a partner.’
We’ve seen (#1) that Oxytocin reduces stress and makes you feel better. The endorphins released during orgasm help you relax and create a sense of well-being.
#8 It gets our brains in sync
Several studies validate the idea that sexual arousal activates portions of the brain that make us feel connected.
In 2011 a study was done by Christina Stoessel (and others) where 24 volunteers were studied. Twelve were ‘intensely in love’ and twelve were recently-separated. In one test they were each shown pictures of their partner, as well as erotic pictures.
They were evaluated based on The Passionate Love Scale (PLS) and the Beck Depression Inventory (BDI).
Brain scans reveled:
1) Decreased brain activity in frontal areas of the brain in the unhappy lovers.
2) Unhappy lovers also revealed clinical depressive symptoms.
3) Unhappy lovers had reduced blood oxygen levels in the brain network indicating (major) depression.
Fugere also suggests ‘the common neural pathways to sexual desire and love lead researchers to suggest that love grows out of the pleasant feelings of sexual desire and fulfillment.”
In our article ‘How Important is Kissing in a Marriage‘ we discussed the science of connecting on a deep level through intimate actions like kissing (and sex).
“Something syncs in our brans when we kiss. There is a harmonizing of our hearts through intimate touch and sexual activity.”
#9 The Power of ‘Afterglow’
Afterglow is that feeling of euphoria that lasts much longer than sex itself.
It’s often related to a feeling of contentment and deep satisfaction.
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Studies indicate that the longer the afterglow, the deeper the connection.
One study found:
“(M)en and women did not differ in their sexual satisfaction and, not surprisingly, when couples had sex, they reported enhanced sexual satisfaction that day. But Meltzer and colleagues were not only interested in the couples’ satisfaction on the day of sexual activity, but how long that sexual satisfaction would last. They found that couples’ increased sexual satisfaction lasted not only 24 hours later, but also 48 hours later. “
Wrapping It Up
Sex is an important part of marriage. Too often couples let life get in the way of a healthy sex life.
While physical connection is certainly not the only way to bond and stay close, it is an important one.
Summary
In this article we covered 9 reasons sex should be a priority in your relationship.
Here’s a quick review:
- #5 It keeps romance intact.
- #6 It feels good.
- #7 Sex Relieves Stress
- #8 It gets our brains in sync
- #9 The Power of ‘Afterglow’
Resources for this Article
For more help, ideas and tools on this topic. Check out these resources:
The Healthy Marriage Quiz
If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System’ by Lee Baucom.
