Is Sex Important in a Marriage relationship?
Is sex even necessary?
If it’s important, why?
In This Article
Kyle and Lindsey
I met Kyle and Lindsey (not there real names) a few years ago.
Most of the couples I talk with have minor problems. Kyle and Lindsey were no different.
Lindsey felt disconnected. Kyle frustrated.
The more we talked, the more our conversation turned toward intimacy (or lack thereof) and sex.
I eventually asked Kyle why sex was important to him?
After hearing his response, I asked Lindsey the same question. She struggled more than Kyle, but did come up with a handful of reasons.
In this article (actually 2 parts), I want to list 9 reasons why sex is important in marriage.
This post contains some affiliate links to products that I use and love. If you click through and make a purchase, I’ll earn a commission, at no additional cost to you. Read my full disclosure here.
This is Part 1 of a 2 Part Mini-Series on The Importance of Sex in Marriage. In this article we’ll delve into the first 4 reasons sex is important.
Why is Sex So Important?
Kyle and Lindsey gave me a short list. Unfortunately, the items below were not on their list. At least they are not stated this way.
Here are the first four of nine…
#1 The physical connection helps you bond on an emotional level.
Sexual activity releases a neuropeptide called oxytocin.
Madeleine Fugere, PhD, says:[source]
“Oxytocin reduces stress and increases feelings of trust. It is also associated with feelings of love, sexual desire, and bonding among romantic couples.”
Doug Brown’s wife (Annie) gave Doug the gift of ‘sex for a year’ on his 40th birthday.
They chronicle this year in their book “Just Do It: How One Couple Turned Off the TV and Turned On Their Sex Lives for 101 Days (No Excuses!).” [Affiliate Link]
Here is what Doug said about the gift:
” We learned so much about each other. Sex became much more playful and that translated into a more playful union. We regained an electricity that wasn’t always there before…Now we can talk about anything.”
If you desire more emotional, spiritual, or intimate connection, you may be surprised that physical intimacy can be the path to make you feel more connected.
If you desire more emotional, spiritual, or intimate connection, you may be surprised that physical intimacy can be the path to make you feel more connected. Click To Tweet#2 It’s a way of accepting each other unconditionally.
Maintenance sex is an excellent way to let your partner know you love them without conditions.
Let’s face it, everyone has a different and unique sex drive. Most couples have different drives. It’s rare to find partners who are ‘on the same wavelength’ when it comes to sex. At least, on the same wavelength all the time.
This is not bad or a sign the relationship is doomed. It simply means you are unique.
It is not an indication of love. It has more to do with biology than desire.
This is where maintenance sex comes in.
Because our drives are often different, we need to show up for each other (even when we aren’t necessarily in the mood). This goes for men and women.
Showing up is not just about sex. It’s about being there.
That said…
Having sex is about making love. About creating intimacy (love) and connecting on a deep level.
We’ve already seen (#1) that sex builds a bond emotionally, spiritually and physically.
Gigi Engle puts it this way (Brides.com):
“We’re fed this idea that we should only have sex when we’re ‘in the mood.’ This is how unfulfilled, sexless marriages happen. One partner isn’t in the mood and doesn’t think he or she needs to be, and therefore the partner with the higher libido feels ashamed for wanting sex. This leaves on partner feeling hounded for sex all the time and the other pathetic for wanting it – not a healthy relationship.”
I agree.
Maintenance sex is not boring sex.
It is creating intimacy (truly making love) BECAUSE it is important for your marriage.
It sends the message, “I love you more than how I feel at the moment. I love and want to give my total self to you because you matter more to me than (these other) things.”
#3 It is the ultimate expression of openness.
There nothing quite so open as physical and emotional nakedness.
G. E. Birnbaum discovered…
Sex contributes to attachment formation and maintenance…G.E. Birnbaum Click To Tweet“Sex contributes to attachment formation and maintenance…
And:
A handful of studies have addressed the possibility that activation of the sexual system affects the motivation to engage in non-sexual relationship-promoting behaviors.”
In other words, sex causes us to be open in other areas (dimensions) of our life, not just sexual intimacy.
#4 It celebrates your partner.
Sex not only helps us bond, it celebrates our spouses beauty (handsome) and uniqueness.
It is a way of saying ‘Every part of you is beautiful.’
Sex should be affirming because it is giving, not taking.
It focuses on the needs, wants and desires of our spouse.
Sure, there are times we get hungry for sex. Yet, even then it is about giving, not just taking.
Back to Doug Brown
When Annie Brown offered to have sex for year to celebrate Doug’s 40th birthday, they had no idea how it would impact their relationship.
One thing especially registered with Doug.
“There’s a special sense of desire that only comes from sex. You can be good at your job or at sports, but the daily confirmation you get through sex is a super feeling.”
Wrapping It Up
Sex is an important part of marriage. Too often couples let life get in the way of a healthy sex life.
While physical connection is certainly not the only way to bond and stay close, it is an important one.
Summary
In this article we covered 9 reasons sex should be a priority in your relationship.
Here’s a quick review:
- #1 The physical connection helps you bond on an emotional level.
- #2 It’s a way of accepting each other unconditionally.
- #3 It is the ultimate expression of openness.
- #4 It celebrates your partner.
Resources for this Article
For more help, ideas and tools on this topic. Check out these resources:
If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.
>>> Click Here to Read Part 2 <<<
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201802/when-past-romantic-trauma-damages-your-current-relationship
https://www.salon.com/2013/07/23/rejection_is_more_powerful_than_you_think/
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/love-and-relationships_b_5514550
https://www.nation.co.ke/lifestyle/saturday/Repeated-rejection-can-ruin-relationships/1216-4182380-4003jp/index.html
https://bigthink.com/sex-relationships/sexual-rejection-2645740543?rebelltitem=1#rebelltitem1
https://www.eruptingmind.com/overcoming-feelings-of-inadequacy-from-the-subconscious-mind/
https://www.bustle.com/articles/167645-13-things-that-can-hurt-your-sex-drive-what-to-do-about-it
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/
