Are unicorns real?
Is Taylor Swift a satanist?
Did Stephen King kill John Lennon?
Will the moon make you crazy?
Is the Lock Ness monster real?
Is it true Rihanna can’t wink?
These are a few of the popular myths circulating the internet (I won’t argue the point if you believe them true).
While these myths won’t ruin your life if you believe them, there are a few myths about marriage that can wreck your relationship.
In this article we list 8 of the biggest, deadliest marriage myths circulating the internet and forums.
Let’s dig in…
Myth #1: If I’m Marry The Right Person It Will Never Be A Struggle.
As long as there are two people involved, there will be struggles. Why? Because every person has a will.
This may sound crazy to some of you, but the reality is there should be some struggle in a marriage.
Here’s what I mean by that…
The struggle makes us strong.
I heard a story years ago about a little girl who found a cocoon hanging from a limb. She knew there was a beautiful butterfly inside, so she decided to help the butterfly escape the tiny cocoon.
She tore open the end of the cocoon so the butterfly could fly away.
But instead of flying away, the butterfly fell to the ground and died.
The moral of the story: The butterfly needed the struggle in the cocoon to strengthen its wings so it could fly. Without the struggle, it was unprepared for its future.
There is a great lesson here for relationships. Struggle makes us strong.
Struggle also helps us find the right direction.
Most of the time it’s not ‘my way or your way.’ Rather it is the middle ground of our way. And we don’t find that without some struggle.
I think it’s evident that when I talk about struggle I am not talking about major conflict or fighting. I’m referring to the process of negotiation, compromise and working through issues. Major conflict can destroy a marriage; The struggle of moving toward a common goal – and moving toward each other can bring your closer and make you stronger.
Another reason there is struggle is because we are all messed up. We bring to the relationship our baggage, junk, and debris. No one is perfect. That’s why we have struggles.
But the essence of love is to work through those struggles. Love desires to work through them because love wants to connect.
So there will be struggles at times, and it is good because it indicates love seeking pursuit and triumph over baggage and junk.
Myth #2: If I Married The Right Person The Emotions Will Always Be High.
Emotions are rarely a good indicator of anything. I’m not discrediting gut feelings and intuition. To me, those are not emotional.
Emotions are the feelings we get that are determined by circumstances and situations. Someone once put it this way, it’s the difference between happiness and joy. Joy is an internal state of being. Happiness is an emotion based upon an event that occurred.
Somehow we get in our mind that we will always feel the same way about another person all the time. We won’t.
That doesn’t mean we fall out of love. It simply means that emotions are not an accurate indicator of real love.
This past week my wife had a few nights where she had severe insomnia. Whether it was hormonal, stress-related, or a mixture of other things she simply did not sleep but a couple of hours each night. Needless to say she was exhausted.
while she never let that get the best of her, I could tell that it was wearing her down physically and emotionally. She did not feel her best.
But not once did that change her love for me or my love for her. Love is, and should be, much deeper than that.
I tell you this to drive home the point that emotions can change. I’m sure if I would have asked her how romantic she felt after two days of not sleeping she would have ranked somewhere around a 1 or maybe a minus one.Romantic feelings can be affected by stress, emotional turmoil, trauma, or a number of other issues. But that never takes away the element of genuine love. Click To Tweet
My point is, feelings are emotions. And emotions are generally affected by situations events and circumstances.
Because of this, they should never lead a relationship. They can be expressions of our relationship, but they should never be the dictator of our relationship.Emotions can be expressions within our relationship, but they should never be the dictator OF our relationship. Click To Tweet
Real love learns the difference.
Myth #3: If We Disagree We Must Not Be One.
First, we need to distinguish between the various types of disagreement.
On a large scale, there are philosophical (moral, religious, and epistemological or ‘what is truth?’ issues) disagreements. These are rarely the material of relationship disagreements. Most of the time we aren’t attracted to people who are not on the same page with us at this level.
We tend to disagree in marriage over the smaller stuff. And even when our disagreements are bigger than small, they are not on the grand scale of things. They are still small in comparison.
For example, few couples argue over the moral issue of fidelity. If you do, you are in deeper trouble than you imagine. You cannot have true unity, respect and connection if you doubt the fidelity of your partner.
Most couples agree that fidelity is important. They agree that their love is sacred and they desire to protect it against infidelity.
Most of our disagreements are not on that scale.
We argue over the daily stuff of life we must navigate.
- Where to go to dinner
- What movie to watch
- How late the kids can stay up
- Vacation plans
Even things on a larger scale:
- Work hours
- Job opportunities
There are a host of things we have to navigate in our relationship. I’m sure can fill in your own list.
But here’s the key…
Unity in marriage does not always equal agreement.
We don’t have to always agree.
I know a couple who have different political views on a number of topics. Things I’m very passionate about. But they have a deep, loving, respectful marriage. They have not allowed those issues to drive them apart.
I also know couples who vote the same, were raised in the same church, and think alike on most issues, but their relationship is a wreck.
They don’t get along. They argue, belittle, and put each other down. There is nothing attractive about their relationship.
Bottom line: Agreement doesn’t equal love
The key to success in marriage is learning how to honor, respect and ‘find each other’ in the midst of the issues we face.
Myth #4: If I Plan Big Events And Exciting Things Our Marriage Will Remain Exciting And Be Great.
This one is perhaps the most deceptive. Big events can make great memories but they do not make great marriages.
Here’s what I mean.
Just because you go to your dream trip to Hawaii or Europe or wherever it may be doesn’t mean you have a strong healthy marriage. It’s as foolish as saying because you’re in a garage you must be a car.
I once knew a guy who neglected his wife, abused their relationship, and took for granted his wife’s trust. On a day-by-day basis, he all but ignored his wife and family.
He thought he could make up for all of this by having extravagant vacations’ once a year. Needless to say it did not work. They wound up divorced after one of their eccentric vacations.
There’s an old adage I learned years ago that goes like this colon you can’t make up with sacrifice what you lost entrust.
Pastor Jimmy Evans puts it this way:
The fuel for marriage is like the manna that the children of Israel ate during their wilderness wandering. They had just enough to last for the day. Anything left over was spoiled by the next day.
If you haven’t read that story, you should.
The things that make a marriage work are the day by day involvement and interactions. Big events are nice but it’s the day by day things that make a marriage work.
I explain in a little more detail below.
All relationships seem to work on the same principal…
You simply cannot make up through a big spectacular event what you lost through daily neglect. The human heart is not designed that way. Daily connection keeps us close and strong.
You cannot make up through a big event what you lost through daily neglect.You cannot make up through a big event what you lost through daily neglect. Click To Tweet
Another quote by Jimmy Evans…
Love is a perishable commodity. It has to be renewed day by day.
Always remember, it’s the little things that connect you to your spouse.
Myth #5: There Is A Point System; If I Get Enough Points, I Win.
Men are usually guilty of this one but that by no means eliminates women.
Here’s how it works with men.
- Getting flowers equals five points.
- Taking her to dinner equals 20 points.
- Telling her I love her equals five points.
- Having sex 3 times a week equals 50 points.
- Making his favorite meal even though I can’t eat it equals 25 points.
You get the point.
When I put it in writing, it’s easy to see the fallacy of this point system. But let’s be honest. How many of us really approach a relationship with some type of point system. Sure, it may look different than the above. But we still tend to score a relationship.
This is similar to point #4 above. But instead of big events, it’s more about doing little things to tilt the scale in our favor.
I want to give a disclaimer here.
I do believe in trying to fill your spouse’s love tank or love basket each day. But we have to guard against seeing it as a point system. The goal of filling our spouse’s love tank (emotional basket) is not about earning points, it’s about seeing what we can do, and how much we can do, to affirm and validate them. It is not a point system.
Myth #6: If We Have A Bad Fight We Can Never Recover.
This by far is the most deviant of myths.
Why? Because it strips you of your hope.
I mentioned earlier how every couple has disagreements, levels of, and all out fights. This happens because we all have a will and sometimes those wheels conflict.
This means every couple fights.
The lie that says because you fight you cannot recover will paralyze you with fear.
Remember, it’s all about what you are fighting FOR, not what are you fighting ABOUT.
Sometimes it’s a matter of fighting through to find one another; not fighting to get rid of one another. Big difference.We can fight in order to find our way to each other, but can never fight to get rid of each other! Click To Tweet
I want to say this again: It’s all about what you are fighting FOR, not what you are fighting ABOUT.When you fight It’s all about what you are fighting FOR, not what you are fighting ABOUT. Click To Tweet
Myth #7: He (or She) Will Change If We Just Get Married
Think about it. To expect someone to change after you marry them is manipulative. How would you feel if you thought your spouse was just out to change you? Not very good I’m sure. No one wants to be viewed as a project. And everyone wants to be loved for who they are.
Sure. We all need to change. But change should come as a result of being loved, accepted and valued ‘as you are.’ Then, and only then, are we truly free to become everything we desire to be.
It’s the climate of love and acceptance that frees us to become our best self.
Marriage is a lot like a garden. When the climate is right, things flourish. When it is bad, things die.
Just to clarify…
We all have expectations in our marriage. It’s okay to want things to continue to get better and better. That’s normal.
What’s not normal, or healthy, is to expect someone to change to become what YOU want them to be. That feels too much like rejection (I don’t really like you the way you are, so I want you to change to suit what I want). Ouch.
Expectations are normal. Growth and change is normal. We all need to grow and change in our lives. Being in a healthy marriage means we grow and change together; not apart.
Our growth moves us in the same direction, not different ones.
Growing together only happens if we spend time with one another and make sure we are experiencing life together. That’s the way it was meant to be. It’s the reason you married in the first place, right?
Myth #8: They Are My Soul Mate So They Will Always Know What To Do and What To Say
This is a huge myth.
I love my wife deeply, but I do not always know what she needs. This is the point of communicating; I need to discover how to encourage her and minister to her needs.
It’s not always automatic.
I recently had a very long work day. I got up at 5:00 am and didn’t get home until after 8:00 pm that evening. I was tired, hungry and ready to unhitch my mind from the busy day.
It was also the day my wife went to the salon and ‘got her hair done.’
Normally, I would have noticed and said something immediately when I saw her. But I didn’t this day. My mind was preoccupied (I still had about 30 minutes of office work to finish before I could even have dinner). So I did not comment on her hair.
She waited until right before bed and brought it up. Not in a whiny, witch-y way. She simply commented on my lack of commenting. (that’s a mouth full).
Because I love her I felt terrible that I didn’t slow down and take notice of my wife. I have an unwritten rule: when I come home after a busy day and step out of my car, I leave work in the car (my mobile office) and enter the house to connect with my family.
I failed to do this that day.
And I felt bad. I know she wanted, and needed affirmation and I had failed to notice. (Remember, it’s the little things that make or break a relationship.) I wasn’t present.
I relate this because as much as I love my wife, I don’t always ‘get it right.’ I fail. On this day, I failed to notice something important to her. Something she desired from me.
Does that mean we ‘aren’t soul mates’? Of course not. It means I was preoccupied. It means I missed something. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love her. It doesn’t mean I’m not the one for her.
It just means I have to make sure I’m present.
Notice Something Here
She did what she should have done. She communicated with me.
She brought to my attention her need (to be affirmed and valued). And she gave me an opportunity to respond.
I’m sure she wished I had noticed first thing I walked through the door. But she didn’t measure our relationship by that one event. She communicated her need and allowed me a do-over to meet that need.
She brought to my attention her need (to be affirmed and valued).
And she gave me an opportunity to respond.
That’s mature. That’s the way marriage should be.
Sure. If you are neglected on a daily basis there is a need for concern, but make sure you aren’t simply expecting your spouse to be perfect and read your mind. It won’t happen. At least not always.
The key is to communicate your needs (like my wife did) and give your spouse an opportunity to respond.
Wrapping It Up
Myths and lies can destroy your marriage. What you believe about your relationship steers it and moves it in a certain direction. So make sure you don’t fall for these 7 myths.
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