5 Step Process For Marriage Conflict

Thomas Edison was once asked how he dealt with the 14,000 failures he had before he invented the light bulb.

He said, “I didn’t fail 14,000 times. I learned 14,000 ways how not to invent the light bulb.”

One lesson from this snapshot of Edison’s life is: Perspective matters.

How you view problems, adversity, and set-backs determines your outcome.

Having a process we use to solve issues is vital. Edison used the knowledge of his ‘failures’ to eliminate what didn’t work, so he could focus on what did work.

His process was simple. Take what you learn and apply it to the next opportunity. This is a skill as well as a mindset.

Most couples do not want conflict in their relationship. But they lack a process to work through those issues that cause problems.

In this article, I want to give you a simple five-step process on how to navigate marriage conflict.

A Simple 5 Step Model For Navigating Marriage Issues

I recently found these five life principles from “Marketing Mastery” – a research group out of California. I’ll refer to them (and the article) as ‘MM.’

It’s their five step blueprint for business success. Which is easy to translate into success in any field.

Here’s their steps along with my application to marriage.

Step 1: Know Your Goals

I’m amazed at how many couples do not know ‘the goal’ of their relationship. They just wing it.

I’m all for spontaneity but when it comes to purpose, we can’t just wing it and be successful. We need to know where we are going.

MM puts it like this:

Setting clear, achievable goals helps you orient your life in pursuit of what matters most to you.

So…

The first step is to aim at the right target.

Implementation

What is your goal in marriage? List 3-5 things you want your marriage to accomplish, become, or otherwise, do.

Step 2: Encounter Problems and Fail

Yep. It’s part of the plan. As strange as this may sound, it is natural to fail. When we fail, we learn and make adjustments to get us back on track.

The key, according to John Maxell, is to fail forward.

This is how Apple builds their products. They come up with a creative idea (product). They launch it. People buy it. Problems come up. They fix the problems and improve the product.

That’s just how life works. Rarely do we set out for a destination and not run into issues.

It’s the same with marriage. In fact, any relationship. Issues come up. We work together to solve the problem. We create a better relationship.

Again, MM says this about step 2:

Life is a long journey, and failure isn’t the end but a part of the process. If you learn to make the most out of failure and pain, you’ll realize that they’re the most valuable things.

Implementation

What problems are you currently facing? What failures have you stacked up? What have you done about the problem that HASN’T worked?

This is important for several reasons:

1. Once you know this, you can stop doing what doesn’t work.
2. Once you identify what doesn’t work, you can move on a try something different.

This is growth.

Step 3: Diagnose the Problem’s Root Cause

This is where most couples (individuals) miss it. They misdiagnose what’s going on.

It’s not enough to face a problem; you need to find out WHY the problem is there. Especially if it is a problem that keeps coming up.

To do this, you have to dig. Dig deeper than usual. Dig until you uncover the ‘uncomfortable’ things. That’s when you are getting to the source. And that’s when you will see transformation.

A shallow understanding of these issues will yield superficial solutions. Getting to the root, on the other hand, will likely help you find sustainable answers.

That’s another quote from MM.

Implementation:

Learning to dig deep is a skill. A skill you can (and should) learn.

If you want to make sure you are dealing with the right issue, start here.

Step 4: Design A Way To Get Around The Problem

This is the step where you get creative and find solutions that actually bring about change.

Let’s face it, once you encounter a problem, and you dig around to see what’s underneath the rock, you have to do something about it.

Eric Thomas says:

Knowledge isn’t power; applied knowledge is power.

Just knowing something doesn’t help. Doing something with the knowledge you have is key to making life better.

Implementation:

What is something you can do that you haven’t done to improve your situation.

Don’t be generic. Avoid things like, ‘I can try harder to understand my spouse.’ Or ‘I can listen better.’ That’s too generic. Plus, it doesn’t tell you HOW to do it. What does that look like anyway?

Get specific. Specific steps you can take. Spell it out. Define it. Put it in terms you can measure. If you can’t measure your actions, it’s too generic.

Step 5: Take Action

Now that you’ve identified the problem, you’ve dug around to find out the root cause, and you’ve specified an action plan…do it. Put it into play.

Another quote from the article:

You have an opportunity to create new patterns and habits that will orient your life properly.

Action does this. Nothing changes until action is taken.

Implementation:

Remember, your action steps must be specific and measurable. Once you spell it out, put a timeline on it.

This is one way to put things into action. Give yourself a deadline to act on the steps you identified.

If it’s not a deadline, create a way to measure your action.

For example, if your action step is to text your spouse a special message every day at lunch, did you do it?

Intention is good. It’s sets the direction. But only action accomplishes the goal. – Joseph Nolan

The article from MM concludes with this: Life is just this constant five-step process, repeated over and over again.

I find this to be true for the most part.

While marriage is relational and not a formula; we do need to have processes and principles we use to solve problems, build connection, and create a culture and climate of love, acceptance, and respect.