Trust is the foundation of a truly healthy marriage.

If you ask most couples the secret to a successful marriage you will get a myriad of answers, but our research reveals that without the foundation of trust, marriage cannot and will not be everything it should be.

John Gottman has studied marriage for the past four decades (over 40 years). He (and the Gottman Institute) are highly respected author and relationship expert.

In this article I cover 5 John Gottman quotes on trust in marriage.

Ready?  Good.

Let’s get going.

 

#1: Trust is Built Slowly Over Time

The reality is that trust is built slowly over time. ..The basis of trust is really the idea of attunement. Consider the following acronym:
Awareness
Turning toward
Tolerance
Understanding
Non-defensive responding
Empathy
The work of trust building occurs as you move through life together.

What We Can Learn From This

I like the idea of attunement.

Reminds me of my days playing in a band. We had to make sure all instruments were tuned properly and everyone was playing in the same key.

So what’s the best way to get in-tune?

Gottman suggests intimate conversation. He puts it this way…

Intimate conversation includes learning to put your feelings into words, asking open-ended questions, and following up in order to deepen connection. Learn adjectives, practice asking questions, see if you can keep the conversation going.

Take Action

Make sure you are connecting with intimate conversation.

Not just what happened during your day, but how those events impacted your life.

When we do this we are taking the mundane and making it intimate.

Read more here…

#2: Trust is Built As You Express Compassion and Empathy

Trust is built as you express compassion and  empathy for one another’s feelings. And this foundation is essential when you face the inevitable betrayal.

Betrayal exists in every relationship. More often than not, the betrayals accumulate like small dents. Other times, they arrive like a sudden crash. In both cases, they present a unique opportunity for trust building.

It’s important that when Gottman talks about ‘betrayal’ he is not just talking about infidelity.

Betrayal can happen when we fail to meet healthy expectations.

Or we simply don’t follow through with our promises. It can range from the mild disappointment to emotional abandonment.

He uses the analogy of dents in a car. Some are tiny little things that are hardly noticeable. Others are serious fender benders. All of them change the car.

Same with marriage.

How we deal with these dents makes the difference.

What We Can Learn From This

Knowing that things happen in a relationship that cause pain and hurt is a mark of maturity.

Learning how to manage our expectations is critical to maintain love in a relationship.

Empathy and compassion are two important elements in maintaining an atmosphere of understanding and forgiveness.

Take Action

Practice the art of putting yourself in your partners shoes when a disagreement or hurtful situation arises.

Stop trying to get your spouse to see YOUR side, and try putting yourself in THEIR position.

Read more here

#3: Trust is Built in Small Movements of Sliding Door Moments

Trust is built in small moments which I call ‘sliding door moments’ after the movie Sliding Doors.

In any interaction there is a possibility of connection with our partner or turning away from our partner.

Gottman uses a personal example in the video about when he noticed his wife was sad. He had a choice to either seize the moment and discover what was going on (thus building trust and connection) or ignore it and pretend he didn’t notice.

What We Can Learn From This

In every situation we have the opportunity to either open the sliding door and enter the world of our spouse, or we can keep the door closed and refuse to enter.

We all have that choice.

But…

Healthy marriages are built on the partners willingness to enter (empathy) their world to discover how they feel and what’s happening to them.

Gottman concludes…

One such (single) moment is not that important. But if you are always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in the relationship. Very gradually. Very slowly.

Taking Action

Cultivate the habit of being aware of the little signals your spouse is sending throughout the day.

Don’t get so wrapped up in yourself that you fail to see what is going on in your mate.

It takes energy, effort and practice, but those who learn to open the sliding door and enter the world (pain, heartbreak, events) of their spouse will create a foundation of trust.

Watch the 5 minute video below.

#4: We Trust Because of What Our Partner Does

Trust is an action. It is not what you or I do, but what our partner does. [We] found that we trust because of what our partners do.

Science now tells us that trust grows from how each of us treats our partners. In each situation when our needs compete with those of our partner’s, no matter how small or large, we each chose to act in our self-interest or in the interest of our partner. Trust springs from the choice to take care of our partner at our own expense.

One of Gottman’s favorite concepts is ‘bidding.’ We all make a bid for the attention of our spouse when we need something.

He explains it more in this video:

This is a reoccurring theme for the Gottman Institute. It is one of the major building blocks of a strong marriage according to their research.

What We Can Learn From This

Knowing how relationships (human psychology) works gives us an advantage in building a great marriage.

Gottman gives us great insight into this dynamic when he uses the example of making bids.

Let’s be honest. We all bid for attention.

Gottman puts it this way:

The crux question we all ask of each other: “Are you there for me?” The question invades all aspects of our relationships. You can hear the question when the cat vomits on the floor after a long day, when you have a car accident, or when one of the children becomes ill and misses school. The question underlies what we use to define trust, implicitly and unconsciously.

 

Taking Action

Learn to recognize the bids your partner gives for your attention.

#5: Mistrust Results from a Zero-Sum Loss

[We found] that mistrust results from what he calls a zero-sum loss. When we enter into a conflict with our partners, we can chose to server our own needs by taking advantage of our partners.

By doing so, if we experience a cost to ourselves, that cost is zeroed out by what we take from our partners. The sum of our loss is zero, because we made up our expenses through using up some aspect of our partners. When that pattern happens, we teach our partners to mistrust us.

Not only do they answer “No.” to the question about being there for them, but then they add “And he or she hurts me in the process.”

What We Can Learn From This

Gottman issues a challenge to couples. Ask yourself these three questions:

Ask yourself if your partner is there for you when you need him or her. If the answer is not yes, trust has begun to erode.

Ask yourself if your partner will take advantage of you when they meet their own needs. If the answer is yes, mistrust has taken root.

Do you find each yourself rewriting what happened into negative terms? If yes, the marriage may be in trouble.

If you cannot say yes to these questions, maybe it’s time to get help.

Start by understanding the stages of marriage crisis. 

Trust can be rebuilt. But it takes time. Energy. And knowing what to do next.

Taking Action

Take Dr. Gottman’s three question test above. Answer honestly.

Then, discuss this with your spouse.

By the way, if you are afraid to approach this subject with your spouse, it could be a sign that your marriage has already lost a lot of trust.

You can find help here.

Read more here…

Wrapping It Up

Trust is not simply the confidence that our spouse will be faithful.

It is the knowledge that they choose us. Even over themselves.

It is knowing we matter most. Over all other things.

It is the confidence they will choose to open the sliding door and enter our world because they truly care.

It’s Your Turn

Do you have a favorite John Gottman quote on trust?

Leave me a comment and let me know.

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