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Marco and Lisa have a great relationship. It’s one that other couples envy. The cool thing is they’ve been married for over 20 years. Their success is not because their relationship is new and exciting (although for them it is exciting, just not for the reasons most people think).
They are often asked ‘What is the secret? What is the one thing that makes your marriage great?’
Their response (as they smile): ‘There is no one thing that makes our marriage…or any marriage great. It takes work, energy and commitment. But there are a few things we’ve done over the years that help us keep things fresh and alive.’
Here are five things Marco and Lisa often tell others couples.
We call them 5 Common Sense Principles For A Happy Marriage.
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Before we jump in and discuss the five principles, it’s important to focus on the big picture of marriage.
We often get so caught up in the daily grind that we forget what marriage is all about. We tend to lose sight of ‘WHY’ we are together as a couple.
Most couples with marriage issues want to know how to fix them. How to get closer. How to have a happy marriage.
Before we launch into these five important rules for a happy marriage, keep your focus on your ‘why.’ If you do this, the ‘how’ will take care of itself.
Some people consider it difficult to focus on the big picture in a long term relationship. Life happens and things get in the way. These principles will help you regain your focus and create a better, happier relationship.
Prefer to listen to these five principles? Click the sound bar below (note: this is only an overview of the 5 principles)
Let’s dig in and find out Marco and Lisa’s ‘secret’ to marriage success.
You might be saying, “I already know this!” That’s why we call them common sense principles.
Long term relationships demand a commitment to communication. Most psychologist affirm that marriage is nothing without strong communication skills.
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This includes the ability to express your needs, wants and desires in an atmosphere of mutual respect and acceptance.
It also means taking the time to listen to your spouse as THEY discuss what they need and want.
Communication means we cultivate the right atmosphere. It’s not just about saying what’s on your mind. It’s about hearing and accepting our spouse for who they are, and what they need.
The moment criticism enters the picture, trust leaves.
Here are a few tips on creating the right climate for communicating effectively with your spouse.
1. Set a time and place to ‘get real.’
Having a set time (preferably each day) to connect and talk is important.
Marco and Lisa made a commitment when they first married that they would talk about their day before they went to bed.
They established a routine they seldom violate.
2. Turn off all distractions.
One of the worst mistakes couples make is allowing distractions – tv, phone, social media, or any background noise – divide their attention.
Your spouse deserves undivided attention so it is vital to eliminate distractions during your talk time.
3. Don’t over talk each other.
It’s important to listen as well as talk.
It’s frustrating to share something important only to realize you weren’t heard because your partner was thinking about what THEY wanted to say.
4. Don’t rush it.
This is a quest to see how fast you can run through your day or how quickly you can problem solve. This is not about problems. It’s about connecting.
5. Keep it positive.
I want to reinforce this idea; this is not about dealing with big, hairy issue. There is a time and place to do that. This is about connecting, so keep it positive.
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You want to make sure you are bonding over the positive aspects of your relationship. Make sure you are not always talking about things that are wrong. Share the good things about life together.
Common Sense Principle #2: Recognize When Your Are Out Of Sync
I’ve heard this analogy before:
Problems are like snowballs rolling down a hill. They gain momentum and move faster, plus they bigger with every turn.
The sooner you recognize and acknowledge something is out of sync in your relationship, the sooner you can stop the snowball effect.
How To Stop The Snowball Effect
Even though problems occur, knowing how to stop them in their tracks is the secret to long term success.
1. Don’t gloss over issues that tend to resurface.
We all have things that bug us. While we don’t want to be nitpicky about things, we also want to avoid shoving things under the carpet that will resurface and drive a wedge between you.
Knowing the which issues need to be addressed and which are your own pet peeves is crucial.
2. Keep short accounts over offenses
This is another way of saying, ‘Deal with things before they fester into bigger things.’
This works both ways. If something truly bothers you, talk about it. Don’t accuse, just discuss.
Also, if you know you have done something that hurt your spouse, confess it and seek forgiveness.
3. Forgive and move on.
Don’t harbor bad feelings and unforgiveness. This often happens if you don’t deal with things in the right time. If you let things build up too long, it creates resentment, which adds to the conflict.
Common Sense Principle #3: Understand Levels of Love
Scientific research reveals different brain activity during different seasons of marriage.
We all know the giddy, hyper romantic feelings that happen when you fall in love. It’s intoxicating. Your spouse (partner) seems perfect. Everything is on high alert in your nervous system.
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This state is often referred to as the ‘honeymoon phase.’
It rarely last forever.
I am not suggesting that love wanes or diminishes. On the contrary.
I believe love grows more mature over time. It’s advanced love.
Primarily because it is not based purely on emotional, romantic feelings. It is based on something far deeper. Something more profound.
It comes from doing life together and connecting on a more intimate level.
Communication is deeper. Sex is better. Happiness (based on events and circumstances) gives way to joy (which is based on true, deep inner assurance).
How To Grow Deeper Together
Since mature is better in most ways than the honeymoon phase, how can we build a long lasting love that is rewarding?
1. Start by understanding the changing nature of relationships.
Couples just starting their marriage usually don’t have children. This allows them more flexibility and less responsibility (in terms of raising children). This time is generally more action oriented. You do things together that are fun and exciting.
Once children enter the picture your priorities change (rightfully so). You have to work harder to carve out time together and stay connected as husband and wife.
This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. For many, it (working to make sure your relationship stays strong) is the very factor that deepens your love.
When children start schools marks another milestone. Moving out yet another.
At each stage there are new challenges. These challenges are opportunities to communicate better and grow deeper in love.
2. Make growing together a priority
Couples should have things they enjoy doing alone and apart. Hobbies usually fill this place.
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It is also crucial for couples to have things they share in common. I know couples who love the outdoors. It’s their connecting time.
Others enjoy board games or other activities. Whatever it is, find something you and your spouse can do together. This share activity helps you bond for the long haul.
Common Sense Principles #4: Realize You Get What You Give
Call it karma. Sowing and reaping. Reciprocal living. Whatever term you prefer. The profound principle is that life gives back what you put in.
It’s a law of nature (I prefer to think of it as a divine law of God).
It works like this:
If you give your best to your relationship, you will receive the best back.
If, however, you fail to give your best, you will not receive the best.
Many couples violate this principle concerning work and family. They give their best to their job, and have little reserve at the end of the day for their spouse.
If this happens every once in while it may be normal. Acceptable.
But if this is how you ‘do life’ you will find your relationship drifting.
How To Serve Your Spouse
The key to making this principle work is serving. When you develop a heart to serve your spouse, you will find they, in turn, desire to serve you.
Zig Ziglar is famous for saying, “If you help enough people get what they want in life, you will find others will help you get what you want in life.’
It’s another way of saying if you serve people, people will serve you.
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It’s tempting to think ‘If THEY would just be like this, we wouldn’t have this issue.’
Yes. We all have things we need to change. But rarely is the problem that simple.
The issue is the issue. Not your spouse.
Get this wrong and things all apart.
Second, remember to work on the problem, not your spouse.
Men especially have trouble with this. Because we are wired to fix things, we usually try to fix our spouse, rather than focus on fixing the real problem.
Marco and Lisa aren’t perfect (although most of their friends talk that way about their marriage). They understand the challenges of doing life together more than most.
But they do have an advantage. They decided early in their relationship these principles would guide their actions, perspective and philosophy of marriage.
Because of that, they have grown deeper in love and respect each other.
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No couple is perfect and no marriage is problem free.
Yet having principles that guide you during tough times, AND creating habits that grow your marriage will help you have the marriage you’ve always dreamed of.
Wrapping It Up
Problems will arise in any relationship. This doesn’t mean the marriage is bad. It doesn’t require a relationship ‘reset’ in terms of divorce.
