3 Pillars of Trust That Will Revolutionize Your Relationship

From The Boardroom To The Living Room: Lessons From A High Stakes Board Meeting That Saved A Failing Business Merger.

You could cut the tension with a knife. Both sides had their issues.

Although the conference room thermostat was set on 68, it felt like an inferno.

At first no one spoke. It was as if everyone was waiting on some proverbial shoe to drop.

Finally, one man spoke. Though his voice was soft, his words sounded like a trumpet call. In a sense, they were.

Decisions had to made in this meeting. No doubt about it. But they were deadlocked. It had been this way for weeks.

The merger had hit a wall. No one seemed to know what to do.

That is, until the man spoke. What he said changed the course of that meeting…and the destiny of the company forever.

Backstory to the Story

The man who spoke was Stephen M. R. Covey. Son of best selling author Stephen Covey. You know senior for his book, ‘7 Habits of Highly Successful People.’

Interestingly enough, it was one of those habits that broke the tension and helped two companies – Covey Leadership Center and Franklin Quest – become a leader in business leadership development, Franklin-Covey.

As the son of a famous leadership guru, he had quite the shoes to fill.

Up until this meeting, negotiations on the merger were stuck.

Stephen Jr. recalls:

Half the people trusted me and the other half didn’t. And it was pretty much divided right down Covey or Franklin ‘party’ lines. Those from the Covey side who knew me and had worked with me basically saw my decisions as a sincere effort to use objective, external criteria in every decision and to do what was best for the business – not to try and push a ‘Covey’ agenda…

Those who didn’t know me, hadn’t worked with me, and didn’t trust me interpreted every decision in the exact opposite manner.

The meeting prior to this one turned disastrous. The Franklin team felt like they were not allowed to ask questions, challenge decisions, or give input. Both sides had trust issues.

It was more like a battle ground than a safe haven. If this meeting went bad, the merger was lost.

So, the current meeting held in Washington D.C. was important. To say the least. A strategy had to be set. The deal was on the line.

So, Stephen decided to do the unthinkable. He walked into the meeting and said:

Look, we’re at this meeting to talk about strategy. And if that’s what you want to talk about, that’s what we’ll talk about. But…if you would rather talk about the merger issues that are really on your minds, we’ll talk about those. We’ll talk about any of the tough questions you have.’

Then, he pushed it even further.

If you’re concerned about who’s staying and who’s leaving…
Why aren’t we more informed…
What if we don’t rust those making decisions…
What we don’t trust you, Stephen (referring to himself)…
We will talk about that!

At first the group was stunned. I’m sure no one knew how to respond.

Then, with the door open, team members began to express their concerns. Even their concerns about his ability to lead this transition.

One person finally asked, ‘Are you really competent to make these decisions? What’s your track record?’

With the walls down and the real issues on the table, Stephen was able to answer all questions, address their concerns, and present his case.

Then he listened to their input.

What was scheduled to be a one hour strategy session, turned into a full day discussion.

In the end, the merger moved forward without any more glitches.

But here’s the key. Covey says…

I wasn’t operating from an hidden agenda; I was sincerely trying to do what was right for the business.

Because of that, he built the trust necessary to move the merger forward.

The Three-Legged Stool Of Trust

If trust were a stool, and had three legs, those legs would be honesty, reliability and intention.

These three factors are the key ingredients that comprise trust. Let’s start with the last one, intention. And apply it to marriage.

1 – Intention

Intention is one of the first keys that unlocks trust. Not the kind of intention that merely says, ‘I intended to do this (or that).’ Not the intention that fails to follow through and doesn’t have legs.

Certainly not the intention that hides behind ill will.

It’s easy to claim pure intentions; it’s another thing to have them.

True intention, the kind that builds trust, can be felt. It needs to be spoken, but it doesn’t have to be. You know it when the intent is pure.

Wives know when their husband’s intent is good toward them.

Husbands sense it when their wives have positive intentions.

When Stephen Covey opened the conversation to discuss the things that really mattered to both companies, his intentions were good. He simply wanted what was best for everyone in the room.

That in itself is amazing. A man with honest intentions is a powerhouse.

There is no manipulation. No coercion. No strong arm to get your way. Just clean, clear intention to do what is best.

Intention is a heart matter. You can’t fake it. You can try, but bad intentions always come to the surface. You only miss them if you refuse to see them.

For the merger negotiations to move forward, Covey had to demonstrate his good intentions. Opening dialog to talk about the tough issues is the starting point.

I’m sure it was uncomfortable, but it had to be done.

He heard things that cut like a knife, but he responded with integrity, honesty, and pure intent.

That’s a lesson every married couple should note.

Intentions make or break communication and intimacy.

2 – Honesty

This leads to the next key – honesty. Integrity is built on honesty. If you aren’t truthful, there is no trust.

Think about it. Truthful and trust are no merely in close proximity in the dictionary. They are twins. One is the verb (actually an adjective, but I’m using it as an action in this case). The other a noun. They both point in the same direction.

You can’t trust without truth. If everything is built on a lie, it eventually crumbles.

Covey knew this. So he had to be entirely transparent about every aspect of the merger. No secrets. No double-talk. No spin. Just straight, honest communication.

I run into this often when dealing with couples in crisis. Trust has been broken. Most often because one partner (sometimes both) are not truthful. They hide and carry secrets.

One caveat:

Honest doesn’t mean rude. One couple I worked with years ago had this issue. The wife was brutal towards her husband.

She told him he was a terrible lover. Not handsome. Not a good provider (although he had a job that provided well above average).

Her response when I asked her about this? “It’s true. I’m just telling the truth.”

In reality, it wasn’t all true. It was her perception – one that was skewed by her own broken past.

Funny thing was, she was the one who wanted to work on the marriage because he seemed disconnected.

Real honesty means we are first truthful with ourself. We face things responsibly. Then, we are in a position to offer transparency.

It doesn’t mean you tell your spouse they look fat in the dress. You don’t have to lie, but you do need to be reassuring.

One the key qualities of honesty is safety.

3 – Reliability

The final leg of the trust stool is reliability.

Covey knew he couldn’t make empty promises. He had to follow through on those promises. He had to make good. Do what he said.

There are a few ways we put reliability in play in our marriage.

First, we have to be people of our word.

If we say we will do something, do it. This doesn’t mean there is no room for error.

I recently told my wife I would get steaks out of the freezer so we could grill. I forgot. So we didn’t have steak. Instead we dug something else out of the fridge and made it work.

Was she disappointed? Sure. So was I. Steak is my top 5 meals.

She was disappointed but it didn’t compromise my integrity because she knows me. I didn’t intend to disappoint. I didn’t lie about getting the steaks out. I simply forgot. User error.

Second, reliability is based on the confidence we have in our spouses character, integrity, and competence. All three qualities are necessary.

Because Stephen Covey’s track record was good, those in the conference room extended trust that he would do what he said.

What Happens When You Fail?

Everyone blows it at times. Mistakes are easy to make. This doesn’t give us a pass. We can survive constantly making excuses.

It demands responsibility. We take ownership of our decisions and outcomes.

When we do this, trust is established. Without it, suspicion is born. No relationship survives in a state of continual uncertainty.

Bottom line: Our character upholds these values. In fact, in a way, it is built on these values.

One of the best things we can do for our marriage is work on our trustworthiness.

When your spouse feels safe emotionally, they will naturally open up.