When people find out what I do they often ask, “How do I fix my marriage?”
It seems everyone, at some point in their relationship, runs into the metaphorical ‘wall.’ They come to a point where they want help to make their marriage better. For many, this is a life or death (of the marriage) struggle. For others, it’s a need for fine tuning the relationship.
The Danger
Marriage advice is littered all across the Internet. Unfortunately, most of it is either over dramatic and emotional, or the standard “try harder” and talk more counsel.
Here’s what I mean. I read in a forum about a young girl who was frustrated because her husband was dissatisfied with their relationship. Their work schedules for keeping them apart and he had even accused her of cheating.
Here’s one of the responses she received:
“What are you getting out of this relationship right now?” The sooner you offload him the better your life will be.” Another stated “This [may] sound harsh, but if he has decided he doesn’t want to invest in your marriage and work at it, there is pretty much nothing you can do about it.”
I totally disagree. Both of these statements are bad choices. Yes, it takes two to have a great marriage and to be the couple you’ve always dreamed of, but it only takes one person to turn things around. I’ve seen it happen hundreds of times. But it takes a quality decision. That’s why this is the beginning place – Decide you will make it work.
What troubled me was the responses to her post. 90% of those who responded said, it can’t be fixed. Move out.
It’s obvious to me is an overreaction. That’s an emotional response written primarily from women who have struggled in their own relationship. It’s not coming from illogical hopeful position. It’s coming from wounds and pains Of those who identify with her.
It’s important to identify and have empathy. But we cannot allow emotions to dictate or determine our decisions. This always leads to trouble.
Sure. There is a time to get out of a relationship. B when there is abuse it’s time to leave. But just because your spouse is frustrated and even accuses you of cheating That’s more a sign of insecurity than anything else. And those things can be fixed.
Unfortunately, forums, articles and Blogs are often full of bad advice.
This is what advice usually sounds like…
“To fix your marriage, communicate assertively, without blame. Don’t take your spouse for granted. Rekindle the romance. Seek help from a marriage counselor.”
I actually read this on a professional counselors website. It’s not that it’s bad information. Those things are great. It falls short in two ways. First, it doesn’t address the real issues. WHY is the marriage in crisis mode? Second, it doesn’t tell me ‘how’ to do it. HOW do I work on my marriage?
This type of advice often leaves people more frustrated than before. People want (and need) an actual action plan to help them cultivate the marriage of their dreams.
What I want to do in this article is give you some practical guidelines on how to fix your marriage.
I believe it is possible. There’s some truth as you search through forums, blogs, and books that can help you get on track. But be warned…a lot of what you read and hear can exasperate the issues. So search wisely.
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What’s In This Article
What I want to do is offer 10 practical guidelines to help you get perspective. Some of these may sound familiar. That’s okay. It’s important to put them into practice. Familiarity doesn’t exclude them from being helpful.
These are not steps. They are not “do this first, then do this, then do that last.” They are guidelines. This is an important distinction. They act more like rumble strips on the side of the road. Those strips that alert you when you are not in your lane or drifting off the road. They help keep you moving forward. These 10 things are guides that keep you moving in the right direction.
Here’s what you’ll learn in this article
1. Make Time Together a Priority
2. Lay Off the Criticism
3. Talk about Meaning Stuff
4. Kiss for at Least 4 Minutes a Day
5. Take Some Personal Time
6. Seek Professional Counseling
7. Make a Decision To Make It Work
8. Remove Any Temptation
9. Know What the Real Issue is
10. Stop Trying to Change Them
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Let’s break down these 10 principles.
1. Make Time Together a Priority
We know this, but seldom do we make it a priority. We live on intentions instead of decisions.
Here’s what I mean. We intend to change things. We intend to power down and spend time together. We want to have a great marriage. We even know time together should be a priority.
But…We don’t put it into action.
How do we put into action? Schedule it.
That’s right. Simply put it on the calendar and treat it like you would an important event. Make it intentional. A day of intentionally focusing on each other.
I talk about how to do this in my article, ‘The Importance of Quality Time in a Relationship.’ LINK
2. Lay Off the Criticism
We tend to criticize when we are frustrated and our needs aren’t met. It’s toxic to do this, but human natures drives us to it. Consciously avoid criticizing your spouse.
An old Swiss proverb states: It is easier to criticize than to do better.
Don’t get caught in the trap of constantly finding fault. It’s a guaranteed path to destruction. In your marriage. And in your life in general. No one likes someone who is constantly negative.
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If you have a critical nature, do whatever it takes to change. I can promise you that you will never have the relationship you desire if you are critical and negative.
Two Reasons:
1) You will repel the very love that you crave.
2) You will be unable to receive love even if it is given.
The principle is this: When you are negative and critical you close your heart. A closed heart CANNOT receive love (even if it is given). You must have an open heart to receive.
3. Talk about Meaningful Stuff.
The average couple spends less than 4 minutes a day talking things that matter – things of the heart.
Sure, we talk about the kids, our schedule, what’s for dinner, even what we don’t like. But we spend very little time talking about things that do matter.
When we take time to talk about matters of the heart, we bond. We share life together and we get closer. This is why we married in the first place, right? We WANTED to spend our life with this person. Take time to recover that.
In point #1 I talked about setting aside a special day to connect. One way to accomplish that is to talk about dreams, desires, things that make you excited to wake up. Just remember, this is not the time to problem solve.
Take time to dream together.
I often wonder if we’ve lost the ability to dream together. Something powerful happens when we simply take time to dream together. Emphasis on together. Sharing our deepest longings and dreams. It connects us. Bonds us.
Especially when we feel a part of those dreams.
My Story
Years ago, my wife encouraged me to take several months off from work (I owned my own business) and fulfill a lifelong dream of writing a book.
During our walks in the mountains (or on the beach) we dreamed together and shared our deepest desires. Knowing this was something I treasured, she encouraged me to take the risk and do it.
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Her encouragement brought us closer. Her sharing the dream made our love even deeper.
So…I set aside the time to finish a manuscript I had started years before. A beautiful thing happened.
I met a publisher at a convention. Over a period of several months we developed a relationship. Eventually I signed a publishing deal with them. A dream fulfilled.
The beautiful thing that happened wasn’t just the publishing deal. It was being able to share this experience with my wife.
We have partnered together to see many dreams come to pass. The joy is more in the partnership than the accomplishment. Great things need to be shared. We’ve discovered a powerful truth hidden in the gem of sharing dreams with each other.
One word of caution: Do not use this time to criticize your spouses dream. Life can be harsh enough. Your job – goal – is to work on dreams together.
4. Kiss for at Least 4 Minutes Every Day.
This is a rule I love. (I am a man after all). Seriously, there is something that happens in the ???cortex of the brain when we kiss. Endorphins are released that produce that sense of pleasure, arousal and anticipation. When this happens, bonding takes place. Bonding is what holds us together through the tough times.
So…kiss for at least 4 minutes a day.
Try it. You may be surprised how quickly things begin to change in your marriage.
5. Take Some Personal Time.
I recently read this story in am online marriage forum. A woman was explaining that she and her husband have been together for 17 years. They have two children but are having serious marriage difficulty. He’s really a good guy. In fact to quote her specifically, “He’s a wonderful guy and great father.”
Their problems began after he started a business. The stress related to the new business is creating marital conflict. Here’s what happens: He comes home and takes his frustration out on her and the kids. He’s not physically violent, but he’s quick to fly off the handle. Even little things set him in a bad mood. Mostly because he has to deal with big things at work.
This situation is eroding their relationship quickly.
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There is a lot that needs to happen – a heart to heart conversation… a come-to-Jesus meeting, so to speak…emotional control…etc. They did one thing that seemed to take pressure off. The husband took some personal time – I like to call it ‘me time’ – to relieve stress before he came home.
That may not be the perfect solution, but it is a movement in the right direction. I believe more work needs to be done on character development and getting emotions under control, but the reality is we often need a stress relief.
This can come in a number of ways. For him maybe it was grabbing a drink with the guys, meeting up with some friends, a round of a racquetball or going to the gym to work off some steam. Those things are healthy and can help relieve the stress.
HelpGuide.org list these Top Ten Issues Concerning Stress:
Taking some personal time is healthy.
Another way you could do this is to try meditation. It is a great way to Center yourself And release stress at the same time.
6. Seek Professional Counseling.
I have an entire article on this subject. It’s called “Will Counseling Help My Marriage?” LINK
Here’s my summary.
It’s important to find a counselor that really understands what Lee balkum calls the eight stages of a marriage crisis. Each stage is unique. And each stage requires as unique set of skills to navigate.
I believe his program called Save the Marriage System Is an excellent start. I would even suggest purchasing his resources before even seeing a counselor.
The problem with traditional And typical marriage counseling is that they fail to understand that each one of these stages, and they’re called different names by different authors, requires a different approach. What works in one stage will not work in another.
So if you are going to counseling for your marriage The two things I would suggest are…
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1) Do your research on the counselor. See my previous article, ‘Is Marriage Counseling Worth It?’
2) Lay the groundwork before by reading About the eight stages of marriage crisis.
Counseling can help. Just do your research. Start with my article mentioned above.
7. Make a Decision to Make it Work.
Before you write this off with ‘I’ve heard that a thousand times…Yeah, Yeah, I know! I’m trying as hard as I can.’ Hear me out.
The most important actions we take our mental actions.
If you are on the fence not knowing if you want to make it work or if you don’t want to make it work you are doomed to fail. You must make a quality decision that you will make it work.
I realize that it takes two to make a great marriage. But someone has to start the ball rolling. Someone has to have the foundation of a quality decision that you will make it work.
So the first thing you have to do is get off the fence. Make the decision to make it work.
But what if I’m not sure I want to make it work? Then you have some soul-searching to do. The first step toward making a great marriage is resolved. Especially when one is in trouble or in crisis mode. Love is the foundation. But quality decisions and resolve of mind to make it work is key.
8. Remove any Temptation.
Perhaps a better way to say this is keep your heart pure.
What am I talking about? Arm are marriages do not operate in a vacuum. We Are Spiritual creatures and beings Therefore it’s not just the physical things that make a marriage work but it’s the internal things.
Let me explain.
I recently read a story in a form about a woman who have been married for 2 years her husband was distant and she was starting to get attention from other men.
Here’s her exact words.
“For the past 2 years now my husband & I have grown apart. I’ve been looking/receiving attention from other men and have found it. I’ve never cheated on my hubby, although I have came close. I’ve been telling my husband what I need from him and asking what he needs. However I feel as I’m the only one really giving.”
My advice? If she wants to save her marriage she needs to cut off all communication with other men and find other ways to deal with her hurts and insecurities She will only breed more pain and distance by flirting and seeking attention outside of her marriage.
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While this may seem innocent and even fulfilling, it is actually destructive.
Remove the temptation. Stay Pure.
9. Know What the Real Issue Is.
This is where most people miss it. They misdiagnose the real problem.
For example, imagine your husband comes home and yells at you and the children because a bike was left in the driveway. Is that the real issue?
I don’t think so. There is something underlying the bicycle in the driveway. Maybe he had a bad day at work and his employees left things in a mess at the end of the day. This ticked him off and he thought about all the way home. Seeing the bike in the driveway triggered a reaction and he took out his frustration on you and the family.
That may seem minor, but I hope you get the point. There is usually (99% of the time) an issue behind the action that triggers the response. If you can correctly identify what the real issue is, you can begin addressing the real problem.
It may go much deeper than that. A person who continually gets upset over little issues has control issues. That in itself is NOT the real problem. There is a REASON they have control issues. It may go back to childhood with a dominating mother or father. Or it may be an internal reaction to some unmet need or unfulfilled desire. You have to determine the real issue or you will spend your time working on the things that are symptoms, but you won’t fix the problem.
You have to determine the real issue or you will spend your time working on the things that are symptoms, but you won’t fix the problem.
How do you discover the real issue?
Here’s the basics.
Sometimes you need professional help to detect and uncover the real inner issues behind our behavior. A trained counselor knows how to ask the right questions to uncover the real issues. So it may help to seek professional help. Especially in cases where the behavior has become their ‘normal way of life.’
10. Stop Trying To Change Them
Our greatest temptation is to try and change something in someone else. This almost never works. I say ‘almost’ because someone may write me and tell me how they changed their spouse. So I add ‘almost’ to the statement. What I do know for certain is, it never works without some form of resentment. Anytime you try to change another person without their consent, it is manipulation. Manipulation NEVER has good fruit. They will always resent you.
It’s like demanding someone to love or respect you. Even if they change their behavior and act like they love and respect you, you never ‘feel’ like they do. It never satisfies. Why? Because it’s coerced. It is not freely given. Anything that is coerced is not love or respect. So it leaves you feeling empty.
What happens when you don’t get the result you want? You try harder to extract it. Thus the vicious cycle begins. It’s a never ending quest to demand or extract something that can only be given freely.
You absolutely must stop trying to exact change. Instead, you must work on you. Focusing on being what YOU need to be. Then, and only then, will you be able to discover change in your partner.
Think about it. If you become a different person, they will treat you like a different person. I’m not suggesting you become something you don’t want to be. I’m suggesting you become what you truly DO want to be. If you are a kind, loving person, you will be treated as a kind loving person (in most cases…I do realize that there are abusers and users in the world that will only take advantage of you. This doesn’t mean you stop being kind and loving; it just means you make wise decisions about your relationship with the abuser. That’s an entirely different issue we will address in the future.)
Here’s the big thought: Become what YOU should be and let the change in you reshape how they treat you.
We have some great resources to help you tackle some of the more difficult issues. Click here I will send you a special link to our resource page.
Final Thoughts
You may be thinking, “This all sounds good…It looks good on paper, but what do you do when your spouse doesn’t seem interested in wanting help? At that point, this counsel seems weak. It’s great advice on keeping your marriage fine tuned, but it’s tough to do when the relationship is fractured. Is there help for the struggling marriage? “
I believe there is.
Our resource page has a list of books, programs and tools that will help you turn things around, even if you feel you are the only one who is interested in the marriage, or the only one trying. You may want to start with my introduction of ‘Save the Marriage System.’
If you want access to our resource page, just click here.
How have you helped your marriage become everything you desire? I would love to hear your story.